Attempted weddings

A bird like twitter of high-pitched laughter drifted out the door
and Sameena stopped for a heart pounding, agonizing moment. Would she
make it through that door or fall flat on her face? An odd question you
might think, but a glance at her feet would prove the thought
legitimate. She wondered again why she had felt compelled to wear the
miserable stilettos. Other than the fact that they made her feet look
enchanting and added a few inches to her height (thereby disguising the
extra inches around her girth?. she hoped) she couldn't think of a
single reason. In fact they made her walk like a hippo on a tight rope!
The sound of her name spoken within reminded her that daydreaming about
hippos on tight ropes could be put off till a more convenient
opportunity and so without farther ado she shuffled in carefully.

After the obligatory round of salams, she sat down next to her mother,
eyes downcast, a lovely half smile on her luscious pink lips???oh all
right, pencil thin, pink lips and waited for the ogling eyes to find an
alternative target. When she had satisfied herself that the women were
back to bandying about inanities about the textures of various
materials such as "Peach skin" and "Georgette", she surreptitiously
looked around.

She glanced first at "the Mother" or would be mother-in -law. A big
woman (aren't they always) dressed in light green (charming color, only
it made her look rather like a giant grape fruit!) with bright red
lipstick and hooded eyes. To her consternation, Sameena found that the
Grape fruit was still examining her! Luckily at that moment Sameena's
mother suddenly exclaimed "oh! What lovely ear rings!" and Mrs. Grape
fruit's attention was diverted. Now Sameena looked for "the
Father".

She discovered him reclining fatly next to her own papa. He appeared to
be a middle aged man, gray haired, rather sleepy looking. He bobbed his
head gently every 10 minutes or so in response to her papa's vociferous
commentary on the shenanigans of various politicians. Hmmm? he didn't
look like much of a problem. Not at all the type to demand his
daughter-in-law present him with a cup of tea every half an hour or
so.

Now at last she looked for the young man himself. "Stick insect!" Well
that's the word that first sprang to mind! He sat bolt upright, a sour
expression on his emaciated face and his eyes were fastened on her
papa. That was an insult! Wasn't he even interested in what she looked
like? Well who cares? She didn't like what he looked like anyway. She
relaxed at last. "Doesn't matter what they think of me. I don't like
them so that's that."

Now she turned back to Mrs. Grapefruit and answered all her questions
politely:
"Having nice holidays dear? When were your exams? What do you do all
day?" and so on. When the tea trolley came in, Sameena handed round the
things with a rather bad grace and that too only because of her
mother's meaningful glare. She then helped herself to a huge slice of
her favorite chocolate cake and settled down to enjoy it
unselfconsciously choosing to ignore her mother's pinched expression.
Tea over she got up and slipped out of the room. "What a bore!" she
thought. "Thank God that's over!" and went humming to her room to flop
on her bed and listen to Jennifer Lopez on her cd player.

In the living room, the fruity Mother-in-law was expressing her fond
hopes and wishes. Stick insect glared gloomily at the cake on his
plate. Not that he wasn't happy. He was glad to be getting married. He
needed a wife since he couldn't get a girlfriend. Girlfriends were
rather scarce in Pakistan. Most girls were too heavily guarded by
brothers and fathers. It didn't matter what Sameena looked like. She
had what he needed!

Sameena's mother came bubbling into her room like a kettle boiling
over with excitement. "They've asked for our approval!" she
exclaimed
"Of course, they would!" Sameena yawned smugly.
"Well we didn't say yes immediately. Wouldn't do to look desperate you
know?"
"What do you mean? I don't approve!"
"?We're going to meet them again after two days?.."

To her mortification, Sameena realized that her parents were serious.
There didn't seem to be much she could do about it. It appeared that
the long standing stories whispered amongst teenage girls about fond
parents turning into strangers on being approached by eligible suitors
were true after all. After a week of wondering around crying and
stuffing her face with samosas, Sameena cheered up. But only after she
saw her mother's heavy gold necklace with rubies and emeralds laid out
for her dowry. She had long coveted this monstrosity and had not even
been allowed to touch it let alone try it on!

The succeeding weeks proved to elevate her mood farther. She was taken
shopping and allowed to buy anything she wanted (such as heavily
embroidered dresses that made her look like a Moghul princess) and much
that she didn't (such as saucepans, cutlery, bed sheets, vacuum cleaner
and iron). You must forgive Sameena her apparent air headedness. She
was after all only 16 and while most parents in Pakistan wouldn't dream
of marrying off their daughters so young, Sameena's were one of the
exceptions. However as you will see, it was a momentary lapse on her
part and she soon made up for it.

The incident that served to snap Sameena out of her stupor occurred on
her engagement day. It was the usual obscenely expensive and totally
ostentatious affair. The entire extended family, including second
cousins twice removed, was invited. Most showed up only for the
sumptuous banquet they knew would be provided after the ring exchanging
ceremony. Sameena was made up like a china doll, which delighted her
because at last her brown face was the fair color she had long desired.
Stick insect wore a suit. Mrs. Grape fruit now looked like a peach! An
enormously energetic and exuberant peach. The time came when stick
insect was handed the ring (a thin gold band with a few measly zircons)
to place on Sameena's hand. He snickered, licked his lips, looked
wildly around at the gathering of ravenous guests and without taking
her proffered hand pushed the ring unceremoniously? onto the wrong
finger! There was a murmur of relief and the crowd of rumbling stomachs
and watering mouths rushed for the food laden tables. They hadn't
noticed. Sameena stared horrified at her hand. Mrs. Peach's hooded,
hawk like eyes however had caught the blunder. She bustled up, twisted
stick insect's ear between her thumb and forefinger and rectified the
error. It was too late. Sameena realized her mistake. How could she
marry someone who couldn't differentiate between her ring and
forefingers? What horrible blunders would he commit later on! She
shuddered with disgust and fear.

You might think it was a sticky situation to get out of. How could
Sameena, a girl brought up in a conservative family, go against her
parent's wishes and break an engagement at which 200 guests had gorged
themselves at their expense? However Sameena was extremely resourceful.
She hatched a devious little plot. She obtained Stick insect's mobile
phone number and called him every day. Each time she would let slip a
name? a male friend's name. It took five phone calls. On the sixth day,
Mrs. Apple (yes, she was wearing red that day) came over in a great
rage. There were bomb blasts (fireworks is not a good enough
description) and in the midst of the resulting fracas, it was decided
to dissolve the engagement. You see since Stick insect was one of those
unfortunate males who couldn't get a girlfriend, he was livid that
Sameena apparently had five boyfriends! Of course the idea of platonic
friendship never entered his mind.

Sameena's parents were chagrined to say the least. They settled down
and let her continue her education. It was only 7 years later when she
had obtained an MSc. Degree in political sciences that they dared to
bring up the subject. Sameena introduced her colleague Bilal and
everything went her way. Best of all, Bilal had no mother?