He loves me, he loves me not.

Friday, 23rd July 2004.

First the good news.

I had an email from Armande Assante yesterday. He's just returned from
filming in Mexico and has found my books waiting for him on his return.
He hasn't had the chance to read them yet but is going to make a start
on Devil this week. He's a lovely man and finished his mail with,
"Let's keep in touch," which made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

The other news is that Darkness is coming along well. I've had the
cover design through and absolutely love it. It's a very clever picture
of layered images. The editing is also progressing well. I don't
suppose it'll be too long before it's out now. So that's something to
be glad about.

Things have been quiet on the harassment front since my car was
scratched. The boy who beat up Marty this last time was arrested
yesterday and taken in for questioning. I haven't heard the outcome
yet.

So?. The only downfall today is that Rick is messing with my head
again. I haven't heard a word from him since I told him to leave me
alone after that awful Sunday.

Last night I was working a night shift. At midnight I had a text from
him.

In france wiv bob. Thinking about u, love Rick X. Sorry just can't get
U out of my head.

When I saw his name in my phone in-box I was completely surprised. I
was dealing with my client and couldn't read it for a couple of
minutes. My stomach was in my mouth and I couldn't wait to read what he
had to say. All the old feelings came flooding back, the anger, desire,
bitterness, resentment, love, happiness, loneliness without him.

With everything that has happened lately, more the good stuff than the
bad, I just wanted to talk to him, to share my news with him. I know
all the bad stuff that's happened with the police and everything is
something I've got to deal with alone but even so it would have been
nice to talk to him about it. Get his take on things. Mostly, I just
wanted to tell him about Maurio, Armande and Chris. Since that Sunday I
haven't contacted him, I haven't bothered him and I completely wiped
him from my computer.

After his text I simply replied with, "So, does this change
anything?"

His reply,

"Know I love U, but don't expect u 2 understand or wait. Still, got
things to work thro. Miss you like mad X."

So, nothing's changed then. He doesn't want to see me or be with
me.

I haven't got my replies so will probably get this wrong but as far as
I can remember I replied with three texts.

"I am not in love with you. The man I fell in love with would never
have treated me the way you did last time we met. I am only in love
with the man I thought you were. Like I said in my profile, if ever you
decide you want me you are going to have to make some effort. I'm sick
of jumping through hoops trying to get you to want me. I've made enough
of a fool of myself over you. The balls in your court but, I'm not
expecting you."

Two replies,

"I am still the same me &;amp; am thinking of you, x sory 4 the
hurt.x"

and?

fair enough, sorry to av disturbed you. X"

A very wise and good friend said to me sometime ago that, periodically
he'd need an ego stoke to see if I still care about him. It looks as
though that is proving correct. He hasn't heard anything from me since
I last saw him and thought he'd just give me a little poke in the ribs
to see if I still jump.

Sadly I do.

Why now?

Is he between women and thinks he might just give me a run around the
block again?

Or is it a case that almost all of the text was throw away except the
first two words, 'in france'. Was he just letting me know that he
didn't want to go on holiday with me but is quite happy to go alone. I
don't care where he is, who he's with or what he's doing. But I do
still care about him. I'm still in love with the ideal that I thought
was him.

And then that little demon creeps on my shoulder and says, but what if
he's genuine? What if he is working towards a time when we can be
together?

And then I come back to my original argument. I always come back to the
same point and can't get past it. If two people love each other, which
he is still professing he does, then they sort out problems together,
not apart.

How could he possibly have any feelings for me at all after treating me
the way he did that Sunday?

If I got him back I don't think I'd want him. He's proven himself to be
weak and insipid. He's cruel and selfish to the core. The real him is a
million miles away from the man I fell in love with. He's picked me up
and put me down countless times. Every single detail of our
'relationship' was on his terms, in his time and at his bidding. I wish
I could get over him and not want him back. But I can't. I've seen a
couple of other men. I've made one good mate out of it and will
continue to see him. But, although I've had offers since Rick and I
split, I haven't been able to enjoy another man's company because I've
only wanted to be with him.

The week we split up, while he was in Amsterdam, I had a text from him
that said, "I'm in the middle of sin city and all I want is you.
Nothing can compare."

Stupid, empty, meaningless words from him perhaps but that's exactly
how I feel. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, nothing can
compare to him, including him because he's not the man that he
pretended to be.

I know one thing though, on the 26th November, at ten pm, I'll be
sitting in Forton services like a fool waiting for him. I'll sit alone
and leave alone because he won't turn up. Last time it was okay, next
time it won't be because I'll know that instead of coming away
stronger, I'll be leaving the same fool that I went in as. See, I know
it is the wrong thing to do. He knows damned well that I want to be
with him and I should stick to my guns and let him come to me if he
changes his mind. And if he did decide that he's made a mistake he
should bloody well hope that there's still something to salvage and
that he hasn't blown it completely.

I will go because I have to. If I don't I'll always have that bloody,
'what if?' question buzzing around.

At one time, because he spoke so often about honesty I'd have believed
anything that he told me. I have never lied to him. I've only vr told
him the truth, both good and bad. Now, the trust has gone. I don't
believe anything. Whatever we had, even if we fix it, it's still
damaged. Even if he wanted it I don't know if there's any going back or
if it could ever be better than it was before and for me it would have
to be.

I'm hurting and I'm annoyed that he's come back on the scene with his
selfish text that meant nothing. And after those couple of texts there
was nothing. I'm back to the nothingness and the trying to get over him
all over again. . What was the point of it? It certainly wasn't for me
because nothing's different, nothing's changed. He still doesn't want
to see me. So it was for him. To make him feel whatever the hell it is
that he wanted to get from it.

Hurt, angry, confused. Missing him like hell. Want him back but not
just on his terms. I want a two-way street but am not in a position to
ask for it. Yesterday, it was all over (again) for good, today the hope
has returned.