Victim of Bullying (This is an essay)

   In high school, since freshman year, I've always had this problem and that problem was me getting bullied. Students would talk about me all the time. They would call me names like; pig, tiny, rat, raccoon, and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Most of those names would really bring me down to the point I would cry. Sometimes I would even sit at the lunch table by myself. Mind you, I did have friends who sat at the same table as me. One of my ex friends Eboni woul get mad at me because I was ssitting by myself. She would always as ¨Why are you sitting by yourself, like you don't have any friends? Get over here.¨ Then my ex friends would always say ¨You better talk about them back, you should never be scared of anything.¨ The reason why I'm scared of people is that they can hurt you physically and mentally; you never know what they can do. People can give you the worse pain. 

   I was always the giver in high school but never the receiver; I never got anything in return. I say that because my ex friends would always ask me for money. If somebody needed something, then I would give it to them. I'm not stingy like some people are and that's the truth. The nice things that I would give my ex friends would be Christmas and Valentines Day cards. I thought why not give everybody something because they might not get anything. I still would like to at least get something in return, even though I didn't expect anything back. All the people I gave things to, I never received anything back, and it hurt my feelings a little. Most of the time I would end up broke because of this situation. This can compare the story called ¨Elephant¨, in the book we read (Where I'm Calling From). The narrator was always giving money to his son and mother every year. The narrator always had three people on his payroll which was his mother, daughter, and former wife. It seemed like the brother and son was asking for too much. That was the same situation with me because my ex friends were always asking me for money. I always brought somebody lunch at school or some type of candy. 

   In high school, it seems like my ex friends were always making me sad; that's why I call them my ex friends. As soon as I graduated high school, I had to push all that negativity away from me and cut them all out of my life. The easiest way to make me feel low and depressed is to talk about me. When someone talks about me I immediately get sad. Another way is to make feel unwanted and unloved: now that is the worse thing you can do. The other reason is to doubt me, and friends will doubt you all the time. Friends can doubt you by saying negative comments to everything you say and they never push you to do better in life. People give up on me the minute they get a chance to, by never letting me do anything with them. I feel everyone deserves a chance, either in a friendship or relationship. To this day, I still attend school like nothing is wrong with me, especially with a smile on my face. I always feel unappreciated because no one checks on me and sees if I'm okay. Silly me, I would always call my friends and family phone and try to be there for them. Then it turns out they're busy. Here's a poem that describes what I've been through. This poem is called ¨Clueless¨

Pounds dropping but no one notice. Friends and family ask are you eating but I lie and say yes. I was skipping meals everyday, crying at night, depressed and looking in the mirror crying. ¨What happened to the old me?¨ Does anybody notice the weight I've lost? Are my friends or family blind? I'm staring at myself thinking no one cares and loves me. I'm feeling like I annoy people, when I tell them my problems. Wondering who actually cares? Will they actually care when I die? Knowing that they don't care when I'm alive. Crying out for help, but who's actually listening? Nobody! Suicidal thoughts running through my mind everyday, no one cares. Attempting suicide when no one is around, taking pills like the white and round ones. losing weight, what's next? A body can soon be in a casket? Then everybody asking ¨What happened?¨ or ¨I never saw it coming! Bull shit, you just never paid attention. One day its going to happen, and you never know when. Stop acting clueless and watch what that young girl is going through. Pay attention. The person who writes everyday but never speaks, I only speak when feels like it or comfortable speaking. Music is their only escape to block the voices out of her head. Screaming voices and weird visions that never came about, she laughs but the pain is breaking her inside. At night, a weird feeling is in her body. She's scared! She gets this feeling when she thinks of somebody, who she loves ad trusted so much. The love just won't go away. The pain is making her over-think and she's going crazy inside. What to do? How can she move on? A pain so unexplained it hurts to her sould. But what is the pain, is it love? She misses them, but can't do anything about it. The love won't fade away; she can't live without them. Crying, but crying won't solve a problem. Unless she wipes those tears and solves it herself. Be strong, let it go. God made someone for everybody. Close that chapter and start a new one. ¨

   In addition to this poem, here are the reasons to why I worte that poem Clueless. Sometimes I feel like no one cares about me because in this world people are very mean. They are mean by how they treat others. People will try to break you down (not all), because they know what to do. Sometimes people choose the females or males smaller than them and pick on them. When that person is having a rough day, they will makes sure you have a rough day. The main reason why a  person can make you have a rough day is because those people don't give a damn about your feelins. I say that because some people are self centered, which means they only care about theirselves. They should at least care about others; you can't be careless your whole life. 

   I'm telling you about bullying becayse when they bullied me, I was really depressed. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone, so I starved myself. I was always skipping meals and that's how I lost a lot of weight. This situation started in the middle of my senior year. Some of my ex friends and family members noticed, but didn't say that much about it. The questions they would ask were ¨Are you eating?¨ or ¨How come it looks like you're really skinny?¨ I would just tell them I don't know or laugh. Sometimes when I'm going through something, I would hate if people start questioning me. To this day, I'm still going through this situation. During school, I go a day without eating. I'm always hungry but I choose not to eat. My stomach growls, but I ignore is and move on with my day. Sometimes I wonder if I have an eating disorder, but I might not. I would like to know if I have on, but don't want to ask anybody. 

   I used to be really thick and I was never this skinny. If you don't believe me, I have pictures to prove it. Sometimes I would push people away, which were friends and family. My attitude and the way I say things would push them away. Even though I would like to tell them my problems I still wouldn't. I don't because people don't listen. This might be one of the reasons why I shut down during a conversation. In order for me to have a conversation with, I have to be 100% comfortable. If I'm comfortable around you, then that's a good sign. On the good side of that, I might even eat around you. 

   To this day, I try to eat a lot at one time or force myself to eat. Sometimes I might not eat all of the food. I really hope that I don't gain a lot of weight from this probelm I have. If I do gain weight, I would most likely starve myself in a worse way than now. It's not like any one would care because they didn't before. Since I'm going through all these problems, I hope that good things come out of this. I'm going to be an awesome Journalist and a poet one day. I'm not going to be a winner at everything or the best writer. Right now, I just have to work towards my goals and achieve them. I always have to go through the troubles in order to be the best. I'm going to work hard for what I want. If I have to cut all the negativity out of my life then I will. Here is a poem called ¨I Would Love¨

I would love it if more people actually pay attention to the positive and not the negative. I would love it if the world was kind to me and others. I would love it if everyone speaks of peace instead of hate. It would be great if everyone was well-rounded. It would be great if everyone had a smile on their face. If nobody loves and everyone hates, then the world would eventually end. How come we don't see people holding hands and skipping down the street? How come no one says thank you instead of nodding? I would love if everyone was involved with community projects and school activites. Why do preachers, preach hate in a church? Isn't a church supposed to preach about love, positive things and life? We shouldn't hate one another, we should love one another. No matter the race, gender, size or shape. We should all live in peace and happiness. Can we at least manage to live in a world without violence and crime?

This poem ¨I Would Love¨ has a strong message to it and describes what people go through. No one should be treated badly or feel a certain way like: unloved, bullied, or unwanted. Everyone should feel safe and comfortable in there own school or area. You should always treat people how you would want to get treated. That's how I plan to live, by treating others with kind and love, but yet I still get nothing in return.