Reality Television

Ever get that feeling in your bones that’s something meant to be? Ever feel in your blood that something is destined to happen. We at BloodQuiz do. For centuries our shamans and witch doctors have been using proven techniques handed down from professional to professional to foretell the future and now we’re opening this service to the public. Do you want to know if you and your partner are meant to be together? Do you want to know if your unborn child will be a boy or a girl? Do you want to know if killing your colleague will get you that promotion that you covet so much? Well we have a sure-fire answer for you. Just text ‘SACRIFICE’ and your question to us at 66666. Using our patented system our predestination experts will sacrifice a goat in your name to the pagan gods and by examining its intestines will be able to answer your question. No longer will you have to worry in agony about what lies in wait around the corner. Text BloodQuiz today for all your answers. (Only costs the price of one soul over the course of one lifetime).

Is your life bland and boring? Do you want to be cool? Do you long to be the life and soul of the party? Well we have something fresh and original just for you. Text ‘LOSER’ to 788743 and each week we’ll send you a new zany ring tone to wow your friends with. For example we’ll send you ‘the tireless terrier’ whose constant yipping will keep you inanely delighted for a full thirty minutes after your text arrives. Or how about ‘the obnoxious loudmouth’ who will shout a youth buzzword as loudly as your mobile can muster to annoy everyone around you when you sit at the back of a bus. Or how about the latest catchphrase from your favourite comedy programme? Everyone knows it so why not have it on your phone so it can be constantly replayed to show how brilliantly imaginative you are. Don’t delay, text us today to receive your new ring tones. (Customers will be sent five texts a week. Each text costs
£2 and while it’s incredibly easy to set up it will cost you both hours of your life to hundreds of pounds to unsubscribe).

Are you scared of looking old? Do you gaze into the mirror and see an old lady that you don’t know? Do you see unsightly wrinkles and crow’s feet that just don’t belong to the real you? Are you prepared to do anything to stop nature going along its course? If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then perhaps we at the Institute of Chronocessation can help. Using a new emerging technique coming straight out of the scientific Pandora’s box that is Eastern Europe we will graft unblemished, innocent-looking skin from Ukrainian virgins directly onto your face. After a surprisingly short session with one of our health specialists we’ll identify the willing donor that matches your skin tone perfectly and in one shockingly short and reassuringly expensive procedure you’ll look young again (until of course that skin becomes old and you have to have another operation, ensnaring you in a wonderfully vicious circle of youth and profit). Don’t settle for going old gracefully, throw away your pride and grasp onto every last ounce of youth with everything you have.

Unable to do things simply because of something so petty as money? Are you unable to afford things that you desperately need such as a holiday to America, or a new car or a large HD TV? Well, we at Cash4Idiots feel your pain and have the answer for you. Out of the goodness of our hearts we’re willing to lend you the money you need for whatever ridiculously expensive luxury you desperately require and you can pay us back whenever you like (in accordance with stringent, crippling repayment plans). Want a couple of hundred of pounds to get you through to pay day? Have a grand. Need a thousand pounds to keep the debt collectors of your back for a while? Have ten thousand. Here at Cash4Idiots we don’t judge. All we ask is that you put up something of value against your loan, whether that’s your house, marriage or first born child we don’t mind; we are friendly loan sharks after all. But don’t worry about that because after all if you need this loan you clearly have a head for money, so just focus on the idea that we’ll give you money for nothing. Phone one of our loan advisors now and we can write you a cheque today. (Terms and conditions apply. 5000% APR typical. Stupidity is not an excuse for not being able to keep up with repayments).