ANSWERS

A loud noise jerks me awake and I realize that the hand I'm holding
is cold and lifeless. It's hard to believe that this person was ever
vibrant, happy, full of life and my mother.

Looking at her face almost as smooth as mine makes me wonder, how hard
a life she lived after she dropped me off at my grandmothers, with a
promise to come and get me. Couple of weeks she said just as soon as
she got a new place for us to live.

Fifteen years later she returns very sick. I guess she had no one else
to turn to,
and no where else to go. No reasons for not coming back for me,
no excuses. I really wanted to hate her,
I tried to hate her.

I wonder if she knew, or cared that I cried for her at night my pillow
soaked my eyes swollen.
I would dream that she came back for me with beautiful presents, then
she would scoop me up, and hug me until I lost my breath and we would
giggle like we used to.

Tears coming now, I don't want to cry didn't do any good then, and it
sure won't do any good now. I wonder if she ever cried for me?

I need to get up from this chair and get the nurse. I hate to call
granny she will be broken hearted, after all she loved her child. I
watched her face every day when she went through the mail hopeing for
some word of her.

Then the excuses would start, she had a million of them, but not one of
them satisfied me. Aids that's what they said she had dirty needles
probably, she also had a heroin habbit.

Skin and bones her face was still beautiful. she's too young to die
what a waste. why didn't you love me mother? why did you leave me here?
Oh God I have to get out of here.

It's time to let it go I know, and I'm making a promise today, that I
will keep. Nothing will ever make me leave my child behind. I will hold
on to her with both hands. She will never cry and scream into her
pillow until she looses her voice never.

I forgive you mother, I wish that we could have talked about this. I'am
so sorry that we will never have that time now sorry for both of
us.
I needed answers mother, I really did.