Kitty And The Fat Man

Pretty Kitty and The Dirty Great Fat Man

Kitty had returned to this building every day for the past month. Every
day she had made some sort of attempt to get into the building and up
to the top floor. At first it had been just a matter of the interesting
yet delicious smell of kippers that had drawn her here and now it was a
matter of pride. If she couldn't fool the great dirty lump that seemed
to feel he had to guard the building then she would hold herself
completely in contempt.

She sat smack bang in the middle of the pavement in full view of the
glass doors and watched her foe through slitted eyes only the twitch of
her tail giving any indication that she wasn't relaxed. She watched him
lift his substantial bottom to fart and then complacently scratch his
stomach, content and comfortable in the familiarity of his own
flatulence. He glanced up mid nose pick, their eyes met, his hand froze
mid treasure hunt.

The two enemies sized each other up; eyes locked in an age-old battle
of will. Finally the cat moved her head to the side and looked almost
questioningly at him. ..

The challenge...

The large man extracted his finger and wiped it on the front of his
frayed multi coloured tank top, then leaning forward without once
removing his eyes from the cat he hawked and spat a contemptible green
wad of spit and snot into a bin beside him....

Challenge acknowledged and accepted...

Kitty raised herself sleekly from the pavement and moved slowly off.
Let the battle begin she thought and started her daily circle of the
building, just to make sure there wasn't another way in....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mildred placed her tray on the table by her window and shakily lit a
cigarette. She noticed the pretty cat on the pavement and mentally
clapped her hands with glee. She knew how much that cat pissed off
Harold.

She saw Kitty move slowly away from the front of the building and
silkily slink her way around the corner. Heading for the communal
grounds no doubt. She heard the chair scrape back in the hallway and
held herself still listening to the lumbering steps and laboured
breathing of the buildings so called superintendent as he headed around
the back to cut the cat off at the pass.

When the cat had first made an appearance Mildred had left windows and
sometimes doors open but Harold had wised up. She was sure he had
painted the window in her room shut on purpose, disgusting creature
that he was. Since then however the cat had succeeded in getting to her
room on a few occasions and Mildred liked to watch the battle between
them. She had a feeling that Kitty would be successful today and went
to remove a nice bit of turkey leg from the freezer.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Kitty couldn't believe her luck, as she crept up through the grounds
towards the window sitting wide open, then because she couldn't believe
her luck she paused and ran a wary eye over the window frame and the
window itself.

There was no way the Fat Geezer would have missed this and he had
clocked the silver haired biddy leaving windows open so he would be
watching. Was there someone else on this or was it a trap?

Sheathing her claws she tentatively put her paw through the window and
waggled it around a bit, the window didn't come slamming down, she
didn't find herself whipped upwards by a cord or piece of rope and left
to hang, she couldn't see any grease anywhere?

Slowly she put her foot on the cream of the inner ledge and poked her
head in only to whip it back as fast as she could when the small meat
cleaver whistled past her head and buried itself in the cheap
panelling. Uttering a loud yowl of surprise Kitty skittered backwards
losing purchase on the windowsill she landed arse first in some rose
bushes.

This was getting dangerous! She thought while counting her whiskers and
making sure that the only orifices she had were the ones she was
supposed to. What did he think this was the fucking Itchy and Scratchy
Show? Kitty couldn't believe it! She knew she was getting up his nose I
mean that was part of the fun but Jeeezuss save us he was taking it a
bit far!

She glanced round contemptuously when she heard a wheezy noise coming
from the direction of the window. Sore Arse or not she wasn't going to
let him see he'd rattled her, (other than the yowl and ungraceful
flight from the window ledge of course) and so she plonked herself in
the middle of the lawn spread her legs and started cleaning herself in
the most intimate way she could. A cat's way of giving the finger if
you will.

The Muttley type laughter stopped and the window slammed shut with a
bang. Slowly but surely Kitty stood up and hobbled to the small pond to
soothe and cool her troubles while plotting her revenge, this had
suddenly become so much more than a game?.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mildred popped her head out of her apartment and heard Harold's
ridiculous wheezy laugh, she heard the window slam and saw him almost
prissily bustle out into the hallway and towards the kitchen, with a
?Mildred did a double take?. Was that a meat cleaver?

As fast as her old bones would carry her Mildred shuffled into the
laughably titled communal area and checked the window for any sign of
blood. There was an ugly splintered gash in the centre of the window
ledge but no entrails or pretty black and white fur. Mildred peeked out
of the window and looked first left then right into the garden.

Kitty was sat at the ponds edge seemingly intent on cleaning herself;
she didn't seem to be worse for wear. Mildred headed towards the French
windows, as they were easier to open, Harold had obviously lost his
mind, Kitty would be much safer inside the building. Not noticing the
flaw in her logic she started unfastening the lock as fast as her
arthritic hands would allow.

"Mildred?" The querulous voice came from behind her making her jump.
Her treacherous bladder loosening a little and the small spurt of wet
warmth warned her of things to come if she wasn't careful.

"Millie, what are you doing? You know we can't go outside just yet,
it's not time." The voice was issued from a small wizened grey skinned
creature by the door clinging as grimly onto it's Zima frame as it had
to it's life, this was Malcolm, Okay Old People Home's oldest
resident.

"Malcolm, I was just?" Mildred faltered, for some reason she had always
been unable to lie to this man, maybe because even though she was
eighty two this man was old enough to be her father and he was still
sane. Neither a trace of Alzheimer nor a whiff of senility about him,
Mildred looked down at her hands like a chastened child and mumbled
something incomprehensible.

"You were going to let the cat in." Malcolm stated, Mildred looked up,
she thought she was the only person who knew, excuses rose quickly to
her lips and then just as quickly died there when she saw the mischief
in his eyes.

"Thought so, well hurry on up, Harold just went into the men's room and
the state his stomachs in he'll be a while, hopefully he'll choke on
his own smell. I'll keep watch?." Malcolm gave her a wink and a great
big grin, Mildred couldn't resist smiling back, turning she finished
unlocking the window.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Harold struggled and strained unaware that his worst nightmare was
about to begin. The bottom was about to fall out of his world and not
just his twisted colon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Kitty was busy trying to extract the thorns gained from the tumble in
the rose bush from regions hitherto unexplored and was silently
calculating exactly how long it would take to slowley but surley bleed
the Fat Geezer by hanging him from a (sturdy) light fitting by his
wrists and cutting all his toes off when Mildred managed to get the
window open.

Kitty looked up in surprise, well the silver haired biddy did have a
pair after all, well done her. She was making that annoying come hither
pretty Kitty noise that people do though. Kitty groaned inwardly ( oh
yes cats do groan inwardly, they also harumph,sigh resentfully and
whine) rolled her eyes, checked for any missed thorns and then
stretched gracefully one leg at a time and sauntered slowly towards the
human in the window. The noise continued unabated.

Purring for effect she passed Mildred and rubbed against her. Trying
not to show her disgust at the blue sticky out varicose veins. The
biddy stopped the annoying 'come hither' noises and started cooing and
talking in a baby voice about the cuddly wuddly kitten and did the big
man hurted her?

One day Kitty thought ,not a little resentfully, I'm gonna fall asleep
on her head.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Harold finally lifted himself off the toilet accompanied by a large
sound reminiscent of a cork leaving a bottle. He opened the door
feeling a lot less tense than he had when he had tried to decapitate
the cat. The smell that followed him was so bad that even the toilet
was trying not to gag.

Feeling rather complacent Harold decided to do a quick check and make
sure that the cat hadn't somehow gained access while he was indisposed
and so he headed for the communal room hesitating slightly when he
heard that interfering old bitch Mildred talking to the walking dead
Malcolm.

" ?such a horrid thing to do Malcolm, what could he have against such a
pretty little thing?"

"Same thing 'us 'es got against us Old folks I s'pose. Some people are
just nasty bastards Millie and that's the truth."

Harold froze?nasty??him??never! and his mother and father were very
much married, in fact they were so married his father was doing time
for attempted murder! Harold pulled himself up to his full height of
six foot three and stalked indignantly into the communal area.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mildred and Malcolm froze as Harold stormed in,a fug of toilet air
still vaguely apparent around him and his fly very much undone. Not
that there was much to him Mildred thought later with sympathy, its no
wonder the boy had mental problems, a lad his height as well.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Kitty also noticed the undone fly as well as the small rather non
descript pinky grey creature that seemed to be staring straight at
her?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Harolds feeling were hurt, after all he'd done for them, how dare they
talk about him like that. He remained oblivius to two facts; one: His
tadger was hanging out and two: just underneath the chair beside him
there was a cat with her mind very much on revenge and her eyes on the
possible answer to her small dillemma.

Harold immediatley launched his tirade and aimed it at poor Mildred.
For some reason no-one ever aimed anything at malcolm.

"After all I said and done for you, you ungrateful old bitch! I painted
your windows for you, made sure you got your pills on time, I even let
you cook for me the other week? how dare you say such stuff ?" Out of
breath at this point he had to stop but he was in no way
finished.

"Now just wait a moment son?" Malcolm couldn't stand by and see a lady
insulted. It was the wrong thing to do,

"I AM NOT YOUR SON!"

Poor Mildred's bladder decided at this point it had, had enough and
gave up for the day.

Kitty was even less pleased with Mildreds bladder than Mildred was. In
fact Kitty was furious with Mildreds bladder because in the process of
planning the logistics of her revenge she had crept between Mildreds
feet and was just measuring leaping distance and trying to insert
personal damage control into her plan when she was promptly blessed
with an unrequested Golden Shower.

She let out huge yowl of displeasure leaving the ground so fast if it
wasn't for the racket she was making you would have blinked and missed
her before she disapeared.. yes right up Mildreds skirt?

Mildred let out a small scream of shock as she felt claws dig into her
inner thigh which stayed there, holding on for dear life?

Picture the tableau if you will a tall dirty fat man with a tendancy
towards feline homocide, sensitive feelings and a ridiculously small
todger (which at this moment is sticking out of his fly) A Centinarian
gentleman who doesn't know whether to laugh or have a heart attack and
a urine covered octegenarian with a very wet, irrate and confused cat
up her skirt grappling with her inner thigh.

Kitty was the first to break the tension, from under Mildreds skirt
came a very confused, quiet and frankly scared?.

"meow?"?.

* * * * *

Meanwhile on the other side of town Kitty's owner Sweet Suzy Becker was
losing her innocence in the cab of the council dust collectors truck
with a local hero turned Bin man who she would later discover after
spawning many offspring with is in-fact the brother of her mothers only
daughter.

This of course is neither here nor there and is a completely different
story all together?.

* * * * *

Kitty's pathetic mewl penetrated the stunned silence of the laughably
titled communal area with all the force of a wet curry fuelled fart in
a small bedroom. Harold's immediate reaction was a fury filled scream
as he made a running tackle at the area between Mildred's ammonia
soaked thighs.

Malcolm, quick off the mark for a hundred and five years old, placed
his Zima frame between Harold and his objective in the knowledge that
should Harold reach his destination Mildred would need at the least
another hip replacement and a very embarrassing and uncomfortable
operation involving her unmentionables and Kitty's head. As it was he
was pretty sure she would need stitches.

Harold careened headfirst into the Zima frame and thudded down on the
floor just inches from where Mildred was desperately trying to extract
the sopping wet cat. It was then that he realised (due to the intense
and often underrated pain of carpet burn) that his todger had been on
show all this time. He let out another cry, this time pain, confusion
and the true bewilderment that only the reeeeeaaaaally insane possess
were mixed with the overlying rage.

Although Harold stopped short of his mark he hit the Zima frame which
flew backwards ,and for some strange reason upwards, and struck Mildred
smack bang in the centre of her forehead pushing her backwards where
she landed on her posterior with all the grace of a defecating Rhino
who hadn't had enough fibre.

Kitty seeing the light and an opportunity for ,if not a clean getaway,
a getaway all the same released her hold on Mildred's inner thigh and
shot from under her skirt as fast as her legs could carry her only to
come face to face with the prostrate Harold.

* * * * *

This was it, the climax of their short relationship, Harold eyed Kitty
balefully wondering how quickly she would be able to move should he
make a move to grab her?

* * * * *

Kitty eyed Harold warily and wondered how quickly he would be able to
move should she rub her fur against his face?

* * * * *

Malcolm watched Pretty Kitty and the Dirty Great Fat Man with a
fatalistic facination, the atmosphere in the room was building and
Malcolm couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away?

* * * * *

Legs akimbo, Skirt wrapped around her knees and smelling like Londons
nastiest public toilet Mildred wondered how it was possible that her
bladder was full again?

* * * * *

The grownup grand daughter of Mary (who lived in the corner flat
upstairs but was waiting for one on the ground floor) came in took in
the scene and promptly walked out again?

* * * * *

Derek who had always been a good friend to Mildred died while in bed.
(Nothing to do with this story but sad don't you think?)?

* * * * *

?and Sweet Suzy Becker had finished losing her innocence and was now
wondering where her cat was.

* * * * *

It was at that precise moment that the fire (started by Flora in room
102. Who had fallen asleep while smoking) set off the fire alarm. Which
as the building was so old and no one gave a shit if anyone survived
was actually a responsibility given to the youngest and spryest member
of the home who would run up and down the hall every now and again
shouting "Fire! Fire!" (Unfortunately this Gentleman had also lost his
voice box to cancer three years ago so no one ever heard him.)

Hearing the urgent shuffle of carpet slippers in the hall and the
insistent dry wheeze of the fire alarm Harold immediately and without
hesitation shit himself (fire was his greatest fear) and hauling
himself up off the floor he adjusted his poor carpet burned bits and
flobbered and rippled out of the room. Followed by a very tangy and eye
watering smell.

Poor Mildred voided her bladder once again knowing that it was in fact
the only way she was going to be able to move from her position on the
floor. After struggling with her very heavy and wet skirt for at least
five seconds she gave up and stripped, buggered if she was going burn
and ran bare bottomed, stringy thighed and varicose veined out of the
building.

Malcolm who hadn't seen a bare female bottom in at least forty years
found himself with an erection. Not one to waste opportunity even at
one hundred and five he promptly followed Mildred out of the room
making a silent note to himself to get her to wash first.

Kitty thoroughly disgusted with the whole dirty business and the old
lady pee dashed out of the door before it could swing closed only to be
caught in human gridlock. Unable to stand the sight of so many varicose
veins or the smell of so many old people Kitty closed her eyes, held
her breath and ran helter-skelter through them towards the sanctuary of
the street outside ironically succeeding in her quest for revenge on
the way. A panicked Harold stood on her, fell again, banged his head
against the glass of the front door and promptly died.

* * * * *

The news reports that day were all focused on Okay Old Peoples Home.
They blamed Harold for the entire mess. They also did a small-related
side bar on the impending marriage of Mildred and Malcolm.

No mention was made of a cat, which may or may not have been the cause
of the entire thing.

A couple of weeks later Sweet Suzy Becker found she was expecting the
first of many children.