How to write a successful pop song

How to write a successful pop song

Right now, most of you will be recoiling in horror. You think this kind
of music is pure, concentrated evil. Well, we agree. But it has one
use: making money. Vast, vast sums of money. With mass-marketing and
hordes of kid-like sheep, there is a lot of potential. It helps if you
think of it like a deal with the devil (satan the teenie-bopper... now
there's a strong image).

But not any fool can make it happen. You need a special sort of fool.
There are certain conventions, certain expectations from the fans. It's
no good going out there and being creative, original and above all,
good. Remember, you're only in this for the money. So we've put
together a few tips, to help you stick to what they want. The most
important thing to remember is to keep it upbeat all the time. Playing
on the naivety of your fans will really pay off in sales.

What, for want of a better word, 'lyrics' do you use? You'll need to
come up with a few (best not left to the real-life pop stars). To help,
we made this handy lyric generator. Choose your sentence type, follow
the instructions. Two of each type is plenty, and there are only
four.

Let's look at Jake. Jake's a student, and so desparately needs beer
money. He has decided to form a pop group with his friends to solve his
cash flow problems, "no cash, no (beer) flow". Let's call the group
'Generica'. For no particular reason, honest.

Type One - Saying how nice the world is
Think of a very common object, which is pleasant. You can just say "the
world" or "everything" instead, if you like. Then use a positive word
for your opinion. Put these together, adding an "I" or "I think" at the
start (it may seem obvioust to you that "I think" is a contradiction
coming from a pop star, but fans are oblivious to this).

Jake wants to write a song about how pretty beer mats are, and compare
the fans to them. We liked this idea, but it seemed unsuitably
original. We persuade him that flowers are a safer bet. After three
months research, he picks "rose" as his object. In another dramatic
development, he decides to make it a romantic song. He decides to say
he loves roses. So he has "I love roses". To cut a long story short, he
makes it a wonderful rose, and "just loves" it, thus "I just love the
wonderful rose" [ewww-ed].

Type Two - Saying how good you feel
These are very simple, and so very popular. The simpler lyrics are, the
more popular they seem to be. If you can devise lyrics that mean
absolutely nothing, you're on to a sure-fire winner. So you may want
quite a few. All you need is a word that means 'happy'. Add "I'm" or "I
feel so" at the start, and that's it.

For this, Jake wants a word that means 'happy' and 'love', to keep the
romantic theme going. We remind him that it's not necessary to stick to
your themes, but he's not willing to think of any more. He goes for
"caring". Deciding that this might not be clear enough for the
auidience, he adds "loving". So he's got "I feel so caring, loving". To
round it off, we suggest 'for the world'. He doesn't like it; "There's
such a thing as going too far". We remind him that in this genre,
'going too far' is not possible. He agrees. So we end up with "I feel
so caring, loving, for the world". [actually, "I just love the
wonderful rose" doesn't sound quite so bad now-ed]

Type Three - Nonsense phrases
These are usually the backing vocals, the "oooh's" and "aaaah's", but
they can be used by the lead singer as well once he's learnt them. It's
really more about choosing where to put them than anything else, but it
always helps to have a few pre-prepared lines. Do you remember "Doooby
doooby doooby doooby n doob-doo"? Mercifully most of you won't. In that
case one sufficed.

We decide that Jake's not up to this just yet. He's looking pretty bad,
and we're refusing to let him have any alcohol until he finishes. "If
you can't cope with tack, you shouldn't have started".

Type Four - Telling the audience how great they are
Think of a word describing a person or a thing a person could do.
Remember, kiddie-safe! Add a 'nice' descriptive word. Then use a phrase
that refers to the auidience to finish it off, like "I just love your"
or "you have such a"

After the initial round of laughter, we remind Jake that it's got to be
kiddie-safe. These lines will be central to his song, as they make it
clear to the auidience it's a love song to them. So they've got to be
very, very simple [the lines as well as the auidience-ed]. He decides
to compliment them on their smile. He wanted "smiley" to describe, but
this caused an editorial staff member to be taken sick at the idea of
"smiley smile". By this stage we were beginning to suspect he had found
a way around our stringent anti-alcohol rules. We suggested
'beautiful'. So he's got "you have such a beautiful smile".

That's fine, but we think a second one is needed. He decides to make a
pair for the first line he wrote - "I just love rich red roses". We
advise him against making it flow too well, but he's determined. Our
first idea, "you have such beautiful roses" seems banile enough. He
objects. We compromise, saying that their face is like a wonderful
rose. He also decides to call them 'pretty'. So "I just love the
wonderful rose, / the rose of your pretty face."

If you're having problems thinking up the lyrics, don't despair. Stick
a pin in our word bank (it can work wonders for stress).

Happy Beautiful Flowers Smile Alcohol Dance
Baby Girl / Boy Lover Music Morning Love
Sunshine Teenage Crawling Party Shoes Night

Once you've settled on your lines, jot them down. Some may not make
much sense, but don't let that worry you. Decide which fit best
together, and then put the ones that clash most into pairs. Think up a
few ways of saying the same thing for each sentence, and note them
down. Put each pair and it's clones together to make a verse. You may
be tempted to try to inject some meaning or taste into the song at this
point. Don't do it, just remember what kind of music this is.

At this point Jake pleaded for us to let him use the lavatory.
Afterwards, he felt well enough to use the word banks. We thought it
would be a bad idea to let him near a sharp object, so the normal
method of using a pin was out of the question. We made a giant word
bank, and let him point at it. We decided to blindfold him. This was a
mistake. Firstly we had to explain we were not going to shoot him.
After he calmed down, despite his best efforts, he continually pointed
at the ceiling and floor. So we tried it without a blindfold. This was
remarkably successful - his ability to point randomly improved
enormously.

Now for the chorus. Pick out one or two sentences, the most annoying,
meaningless ones of all. Repeat them over and over, over and over. The
fans aren't going to remember it if you only tell them two or three
times. The odd line of the same thing said slightly differently is OK,
but avoid variety. Now arrange your verses into order, putting the
chorus between each verse and the next, and tag an extra-long version
on the end.

We explain how to make the chorus to Jake. At this point his brain
dribbles out of his ear in a stream of grey goop. [no changes there
then-ed] We take this as a positive sign that he is becoming as pop
star and move on.

That's about it for the lyrics. Now, you might be thinking you're done.
Oh no, the torture isn't over yet. You've got to put 'music', as they
call it, to those words. You may want to take a break now, to steel
yourself for the mind-numbing tastelessness ahead. When you're ready,
read on.

Don't worry if you have no idea whatsoever about writing music.
Remember who you're trying to emulate - they don't either. Talent can
actually be a huge handicap at this stage. All you need is a tune, just
a few lines of music. Keep in mind it'll have to go with your lyrics,
and be poppy. Try to make it as irritating as possible. If you think of
one, instantly hate it, and then can't drive it out of your head,
you're on the right lines.

Now that you've got the tune sorted, have a look at instruments. Those
that make irritating, repetitive sounds are ideal. Avoid anything
distinctive or original. Try to get the music to blend blandly with the
rest of the song, requiring no talent to play. Come up with a few
versions of your tune, and put a couple on each instrument. These can
be repeated throughout the song.

Although most pop groups don't, you really should practice the song
with your friends. You can also use local opinion as a handy guage for
your song. When it gets to the point that neighbors are threatening to
firebomb your home if you don't stop, you're probrably ready. Record
your song, and send it off to a music talent agency. having a really
stupid hook, like "a group of best friends who always dreamed of being
pop stars" can help a lot.

One last thing. If you are successful, please don't give us any credit
whatsoever. We were just following orders. We just had space to fill,
and this was really just innocent fun.