Strappo

It was a mistake to drink alone.
As I knocked back my Glenmorangie,
a gentleman of the road sidled up to me.
"You don't know me," he said,
all pig bristle and breath.

I agreed that I did not,
and the hobo elected to hover,
much to my displeasure.

"I was the sixth Marx Brother.
Strappo, they called me."
And as it was the sixties,
and the brothers were still alive
(except Chico,)
I could not dismiss his claim offhand.
"Let me guess," I said. "Zeppo
was better-looking?"

"Zeppo!" he spat. "Let me tell you
about Zeppo. Do you know whose idea
it was to play the unfunny one? Not his -
mine! But I made the mistake of telling Zeppo,
and the next day they cast him
as Spalding's secretary in 'Animal Crackers'!
I was his understudy!"

He wheezed, and thumped his body.

"Me! The one whose idea it was!
Course, I had to try to off him.
But nothing worked. I tell you, nothing!
Poison, snake-in-the-bed, paraffin -
the boy was tougher than Rasputin!
Listen," he leaned in closer,
laying a mud-mottled hand on my shoulder,
"If you ever see my thieving brother,
you tell him from me, you say
that I...that he..." The tramp stumbled,
then upon me, expired noisily