T.V and Me

TV AND ME
Michael Bellerby

I've fought Sea Devils and Daleks with Dr. Who
And solved some strange mysteries for Scooby Doo
I've detected gruesome murders for Inspector Morse
And transformed my garden with Alan's Ground Force
I was lost for more than a week in The Crystal Maze
But kept up my spirits with loud Songs of Praise
I stood by for action with Troy Tempest's Stingray
And scored my first hat-trick on Match of the Day
I collected rag and bone once for Steptoe and Son
And was chased by a mad lion on Wildlife on One
I was a double agent from Russia out to Get Smart
And I was a good friend of Jonathan's in Hart to Hart
There was a time once I got Lost in Space
And then turned up by accident in Peyton Place
I was given a cabbage or two on Crackerjack
And once licked a lolly-pop that belonged to Kojak
I actually booked Danno once in Hawaii Five-O
And called in on Rene just to say 'Allo 'Allo
I lent my leather jacket to Fonzie on Happy Days
But couldn't help Roy Walker with a Catchphrase
I once got two in a bed on Jim Bowen's Bulleye
And told Ted all my best jokes on Hi De Hi
I helped Chris Kelly a lot with his Screen Test
And booked a quiet table for two at Robin's Nest
I was sad to see Nick go from Yorkshire's Heartbeat
All I can suggest is that he got Cold Feet
It had something to do with close Family Ties
And their illegal collection of rare Butterflies
They came to the attention of the Thin Blue Line
Who were stupidly drunk on Last of the Summer Wine
So I went to complain to Dixon of Dock Green
And told him what I thought of his Dream Team
He said stay where you are until An Inspector Calls
Strange things can and do happen Within these Walls
But I left and went to see The Six Million Dollar Man
Only to have him punched on the nose by my Supergran
Somebody shouted out loud It's a Knockout
But I suspected foul play 'cause Beadle's About
So I immediately went home and told my Father Ted
He said don't get too upset and offered me some Bread
But I was so I telephoned The Hitman and Her
He wanted me to plead, so I said, would you, Please Sir
He said we could meet but it must be on a Blind Date
And the strange password he chose was please Kiss me Kate
He really didn't like A Family at War
So he taught me the rules about L.A. Law
But first I had to go and find Terry and June
On a little yacht named Shine on, Harvey Moon
But it was a trap so I crept aboard so Softly Softly
And sent them on A Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea
I looked to the heavens and saw Shooting Stars
Then heard lots of sirens from the police in Z Cars
I tried to run away but was caught by The Bill
Who took me to the police station on top of Grange Hill
They asked me some questions about the Love Boat
And into the WPC's notebook Murder She Wrote
It had all started when she said she Can't Cook Won't Cook
But I thought she was a princess not just Common As Muck
I said that I'd been suffering from Executive Stress
From my time deep undercover with Department S
I don't know what happened to me I had The Good Life
I'd been happily married for years to The Rector's Wife
So I can honestly say it was a total Surprise Surprise
To find out the rest of my family had Stars in their Eyes
They said they would leave me if The Price Is Right
And their names would appear in the Sky at Night
But they had some bad luck and crashed their Magic School Bus
Trying hard to avoid the lovable Bagpuss
What happened next to them all It Shouldn't Happen to a Vet
And I never even got the chance to say Auf Wiedersehen Pet