The Sharpest Knife in the Drawer

The Sharpest Knife in the Drawer Benjamin Aaron Deeley drew hard on his
King Size Special filter cigarette. BEN STANDS SMOKING A CIGARETTE
OUTSIDE A SOLICITOR'S OFFICE. HE SMILES, PUTS DOWN HIS BRIEFCASE AND
DIALS A NUMBER ON HIS MOBILE PHONE. BEN Julian? It's done and dusted,
mate. Marsden Manor's mine! Got the documents right here. REACHES DOWN
AND STROKES THE BRIEFCASE LOVINGLY. BEN I've pulled off some scams in
my life but this one takes the biscuit. You should have seen their
faces when I signed the deeds. The crusty old crone was the best.
Bawling her eyes out like a baby she was once she'd realised her life
of luxury had va va voomed. Stupid cow! Now she knows how the other
half live. LAUGHS BEN And the son in law! What a tw*t! One look at his
face and you'd have peed yourself laughing. White as a sheet, he was.
Clutching his chest like a geriatric! Honest - I thought he was going
to have a heart attack. And his lard-faced wife looked as if she was
going to burst a blood vessel. Puce, she went. Bloody puce! How I kept
my face straight I don't know. I tell you, Jools - I nearly wet my
pants when one of the arsey kids asked if he'd have to leave boarding
school. Boarding school! I bloody well ask you! MOPS HIS EYES. BEN And
it's all thanks to you, mate. If you hadn't found out she'd had a
kidnapped son with the same name as me I'd never even have thought of
trying it on. Swapping that DNA sample was the thing that clinched it,
I reckon. They really believed that I was the long lost son! Brilliant!
How the hell you got away with it I don't know. You're a genius, Jools.
A bloody genius. LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE BEN Anyway - it serves them
right. Born with a silver spoon in their mouths - every single one of
them. Upper class scum. SPITS BEN Not like me and you, eh, Jools? We've
had to work for every con. And the risk of getting banged up's always
loomed up in the background. Not that I've ever thought I'd get caught
- I'm too smart for that. Known that since my first job. I was fifteen
at the time, Jools - and I conned some old dear out of her life's
savings. Sh*t for brain old bat actually believed her half-wit daughter
was in Spain on her deathbed and needed the money for an operation.
Stupid cow couldn't get the floorboards up quick enough. CHUCKLES BEN
And all the time her precious daughter was sunbathing safe as houses on
the Costa del Sol. Yes, Jools - that was my first brush with real
money! And over the years I've made a few bob, I can tell you! I just
wish I'd met you years ago. I'd be a billionaire by now instead of a
millionaire. Anyway - to show my appreciation there'll be a nice fat
cheque in the post for you just as soon as the property's sold and the
money's in my account. I'll give them a couple of weeks to move out -
as a token of my generosity. Their pea-brained solicitor reckons
they'll have to move into a council flat. That'll bring them down to
earth - eh? Serves them right. Seems I've inherited all the family
jewels too! Can you see Tracy wearing a bloody tiara? Come to think of
it - can you see Tracy playing the part of a millionaire's wife? She'd
better agree to a face-lift - or I'll swap her for a younger model. Fat
cow. Hey, Jools - you don't fancy taking her off my hands do you? No -
I didn't think so. She wouldn't fancy you anyway, Jools. She's choosy
when it comes to men. LEANS AGAINST WALL. BEN You know, Jools - I don't
think it's really sunk in yet. I'M A MILLIONAIRE! A BLOODY MILLIONAIRE!
And do you know the best thing? It only cost me twenty grand in
solicitors' fees! Twenty measly grand for a property worth eight
million! I tell you, Jools - that lawyer might be smarmy-arsed - but
he's sharp as a needle. I'm not kidding - he could convince Bin Laden
he was a Christian. He's on my Christmas card list now - no doubt about
that. D'you know what I'm going to do with the money, Jools? I'm going
to buy myself a mansion in California and spend the rest of my life
rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous. I might still do the odd
scam - just to keep my hand in. But it'll be for fun instead of to earn
a living. I need the buzz, Jools. I need to grind them into the mud -
all of the rich, lazy fat cats who got where they are because of their
daddy's money. And do you know the best thing, Jools? No one will ever
be able to do the same to me because I know every trick in the book. Oh
yes, Jools - I'm the sharpest knife in the drawer, I can tell you.
THROWS HIS CIGARETTE AWAY BEN It's starting to sink in I reckon, Jools!
But I just need to feast my eyes on the deeds again. Just to make
absolutely sure I'm not dreaming. BEN REACHES DOWN AND OPENS THE
BRIEFCASE. HE PULLS OUT A COUPLE OF BLANK SHEETS OF PAPER. BEN What
the?? RUMMAGES FRANTICALLY THROUGH ALL THE PAPERS, WHICH ARE ALL BLANK.
BEN Gotta go, Jools. Gotta phone my bank. Stop the cheque. There's
something not kosher going on here. HANGS UP AND DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER
BEN This is Benjamin Marsden. I need you to intercept a cheque I made
out to Roland Parker Solicitors last week?.Account number
0098989?yes?what? What do you mean 'too late?' I don't give a toss if
it's gone to a Swiss bank account - I want you to get it back! Right
now! Don't mess me about you moron! You've got no idea who you're
dealing with here.. Don't tell me you're sorry, you heap of sh*t?Hello?
Hello?