Where did it all go wrong&;#063;

The rattling and jolting of the train brings me out of the fantasy
world I had been lost in.A group of noisy kids across from me are
playing cards at this time in the morning,
"Diamonds" one calls out
"Jammy bastard!"another comments
"I'm out.Im going for a piss" a young lad says.

Pylons,factories, trees and graffiti flash past in a blur.Mingled
together,neither separate from the other in my vision.Blackness.Is the
train in a tunnel or is my mind just empty?More houses and people,the
announcement "Coventry next stop." I don't yet know where my stop
is.People come and go.Blank faces,acknowledging no one.It is quiet
except for these bloody kids.They're playing Trumps.I don't know it,but
it sounds pretty pointless.There are four of them playing.Two girls and
two boys.Young with all their lives ahead of them.I was like that
once.A long time ago,but I still remember.

A man sits opposite me.His hair is balding,but wild.He has a frizzy
beard full of different colours.He is reading The Times ignoring me.
Then "Poker!Let's play Poker!" This is followed by "Strip Poker!" then
laughter.Yes I remember when I was like that.
"Six cards each"the dealer says
"Can you have seven,eight,nine and ten all in different suits?"a girl
foolishly asks.
"Who wins?"
"I've got four sevens"
"Who won?"
"I did!"

More trees and railway stations.Over and over again,same old
scenery,same old people,only not the same.
"Can you have a run?"
"What's a run?"
How horribly pathetic and naive those kids are;just like I was,or maybe
still am.They're innocent,until life corrupts and stains them.The
ticket collector appears.The kids have lost their tickets.
"We're not stowaways,honest!"one of the girls says,smiling
sweetly.
"Shut up you stupid cow"a lad hisses at her.
How pointless cards are.I've never noticed before,probably because I've
never had the time.What a way to relieve boredom,more likely to induce
it!Trees,houses,people.Trees,houses,people.Again and again,but at least
I'm getting away.I can never go back!I'll always be running,but if I'm
running I'm safe.The kids interrupt my thoughts.
"I've lost the power of my grin now."the young lad jokes.
"I could've told you that"the girls chant

My mind is a jumble.The frizzy man is still reading,seemingly oblivious
to the noisy kids and their pointless card games.Seemingly oblivious to
me.I rustle in my bag for something to take the pain in my head away.It
numbs the pain in my head,but I wish it's numb the pain in my
heart.Another station "Leamington Spa."A woman sits on the platform
waiting.Old seventies style glasses and huge gold tacky earrings.It
isn't even sunny!Workmen dig nearby in their luminous jackets,chatting
animatedly,only I can't hear what they're saying.
"Remember Thomas the Tank engine?"one kid shouts.I remember it.I feel
like telling them.But I don't.
"Yeah and Button Moon!"
"I loved that.I might still have the videos"

The frizzy man is looking at me now with a peculiar expression on his
face.I run my hands through my hair and rub my eyes,suddenly self
conscious like a child.Only I'm not a child.I was never a child.Maybe
that's where the problem lies,I grew up too fast.I didn't choose
to,wish I hadn't.I need sleep.I lean my head against the window and
pull my coat up over me for comfort.The gentle rocking of the train
lulls me to sleep.I can vaguely hear the kids,but they're a long way
away
"I think that's a good hand"
It is.Two queens and........"
Nothing.Blankness.Emptiness.

The train jolts me awake.Same,almost familiar landscape outside beyond
the confines of this hurtling train.Flat land for miles,lush green
fields,strips of colour,green,yellow,green.There's a name for grass
like that,but I don't remember.I sneeze.One of the kids says "Bless
you!"I thank him,only it's a lyittle late for me to be blessed.More
trees and a motorway.A sea of movement.An announcement "Banbury next
station."I can't wait to escape.All these fools.They carry on
regardless,unaware of thr harsh reality of life that is all around
them.Ignorant to the mistakes,regrets and heartache that have
characterised my life for as long as I can remember.They're still at
it,the kids.Same old games with the same old winners.Like the
scenery,same old trees,stations,people.Only not th same.No
distinguishing features.One big blur.I don't want to be a part of
somebody else's blur.Another announcement.I miss it because the kids
are shouting.
"How many jokers do you get in a pack?"
"Two"
"Hey.Is that a stain?"
No,A shadow"
Sleep beckons.I let it smother me.The last thing I hear is "What's a
run?"I'm sure she's already asked that.Noises blur together,until they
become a distant hum as dreams and fears take hold of me.

I wake up and choose to ignore the people and noise around me.I stare
out at the blurred scenery.I don't know where I am going,but I know
where I've been.I'm never going back.I can't let myself.Have to keep
running.I don't have naything iwth me.The memories,good and bad are all
in my head,eating away at me.Another station.The kids are argueing
now,
"I hate you.Shut your gob!"the girl cries
"Oh!She's mad now"a lad jokes
"Just fucking shut up"she screams,turning her back on him.
An announcement.I'm getting off now.Can't cope with this stifling train
and it;s ignorant passengers.Freedom at last from the kids,the frizzy
man,the sleepers,the readers and the announcements.The air is stuffy,I
feel trapped.

After what seems like a lifetime of trees,pylons,houses and people it's
time to move.I pick up my bag,checking that my purse is still
there,afterall that's all I have with me.It's a late March evening and
I'm at Oxford. There's a chill in the air as the sun begins to set.The
platform is deserted which pleases me.Slowly I ease myself onto an icy
bench.There is an hour to wait until another train.I need to keep
running,must not sit still.I wrap my coat around me,not sure whether
it's for warmth or comfort.I am oblivious to the cold, darkening
surroundings.I sit and stare out into the darkness,searching for an
answer or an explanation or anything for me to grasp hold of.I don't
know how I got to be here.How my life suddenly wasn't my own to
control.I wasn't as weak as they thought.I had done it.I had got
away.The nights of planning and losing the courage at last minute were
over.I was on my own.Out to get what I wanted.An explanation as to
where it all went wrong.