Baftaprize

The N.R.K. Baftaprize

The N.R.K. Baftaprize sailed through the emptiness of space with ease.
Travelling endlessly from one planet to the next, it's three occupants
in suspended animation chambers, only awoken by the ship's computer
when they achieved planetfall. The small spaceship landed with a bump
in a large field and it's hatchway opened. A ramp unfurled itself and
three figures descended it, arguing.
"What do you mean 'stinky'?" said the tallest figure, a man with dark,
unruly hair with a mind of it's own.
"I didn't say 'stinky'," the second figure protested, "I said
'cranky'." The second figure looked quite tall. But this was an
illusion and he was really only about 3 foot 4. The second figure was
rapidly running out of hair, and longed for the taller man's untidy
hair, which was styling itself into a horrifying quiff as they
spoke.
"You are always cranky when you wake up from the deep freeze, Euston."
The third figure, a short bald man wearing a suit, told the taller
figure, whose name was indeed Euston, "But that's not what Andrew
said." The other man, Andrew, frowned.
"Then what'd I say?"
"Stinky." The little man said.
"Told you." Euston grumbled.
"Let's just get this over with." The little man, whose name was Jimmy,
suggested and the three men trudged across the field towards a secluded
cottage.

Jimmy, Euston and Andrew had once been space explorers. Professional
men, who did their job with pride, encountered new life and marvelled
at the evolution of known civilisations. But, eventually, the three men
had realised that every world they came across was run largely by
idiots and rife with complete morons. When this realisation hit, each
had a different idea as to what to do about it. Euston wanted to sneak
up behind all the fools and liars, fix jetpacks to their backs, hit the
on button and watch them fly off into outer space. Andrew wanted to sit
back and laugh at their moronic antics and Jimmy didn't really know.
Finally they decided that the three of them would travel the known
universe seeking out stupidity in every shape, form and political party
so they could poke fun at it. So they bought a ship, the N.R.K.
Baftaprize, and set off on their bold new enterprise.

Euston banged on the cottage door again.
"Hello!" he shouted, "Avon calling!"
"I don't think there's anywhere at home." Andrew pointed out.
"Anywhere?" Euston asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Anyone." Andrew corrected himself, "Anyone. You know what I
meant."
"Who's to know what you mean." Euston grumbled, "So, having
established that there isn't ANYONE at home," he continued, with a
pointed glance at Andrew. Jimmy and Andrew ignored Euston's hair, which
was plastering itself to Euston's skull making him look like a Ken
doll, "What are we going to do?" Andrew shrugged one shoulder and
raised an eyebrow.
"Leave an abusive note?" he suggested, "What do you think,
Jimmy?"
"I dunno." Jimmy muttered, with the kind of look you usually only see
in a bunny's eyes when it's faced with fast approaching
headlights.
"Why do you ever ask him anything?" Euston asked Andrew.
"Well, one day he might give us an answer." Andrew said.
"Not likely." Euston disagreed, "Hey, Jimmy, What's Elton John's real
name?"
"Sue?" Jimmy ventured, with the bunny look again.
"Close." Euston admitted, "But no." A woman rounded the corner of the
cottage and stared suspiciously at the three men.
"Who are you?" she asked.
"Oh, there you are." Andrew greeted her, "We thought you weren't
in."
"Well, she's not in, is she?" Euston pointed out, "She's out, isn't
she? If she was in, she'd have come out of the door. This is the
outside, you see. And in there is the inside, so&;#8230;."
"Shut up, Euston." Andrew interrupted, knowing that if he let Euston
go on they could be there for many years.
"Who are you?" the woman repeated.
"My name's Andrew." Andrew told her, "And this is Jimmy and Euston and
you're an artist, aren't you?" Andrew made gestures in the air with his
fingers when he said the word 'artist'.
"What did you just do?" Euston asked.
"What?"
"The thing with your fingers." Euston elaborated, "Were you doing worm
impressions?"
"No, it was air commas."
"Well, why didn't you say 'so-called artist' or something? People who
do the air commas thing should be shot, it's a stupid, pointless
gesture, isn't it Jimmy?"
"I dunno."
"Are you interested in my art?" the woman asked.
"That's one way of putting it." Andrew answered.

The woman had led them round to a pile of bricks in the back garden.
Euston had asked if she'd had a visit from a big bad wolf whereupon
Jimmy had launched into a detailed description of the three little pigs
story. When he finished the woman had told them it was art. Andrew had
laughed and said only if you spelt art with a 'j', a 'u', an 'n' and a
'k'. The woman had asked if they were art critics. Jimmy had told her
he didn't think so, but he couldn't be sure. Andrew had pointed at the
compost heap and asked if that was art. The woman had said that it
wasn't, it was a compost heap, but the pile of bricks was art. Andrew
told everyone that he couldn't see the difference between the compost
heap and the bricks. Euston had offered to throw both at him and see if
he could tell the difference then. Andrew declined Euston's offer. They
had continued in this manner for some time until the woman got
irritated with their jibes and started to throw the bricks at them and
they had to run away. They returned to the Baftaprize and hooked
themselves into the suspended animation chambers as the Baftaprize took
off and travelled once again through the yawning chasm of space (which,
incidentally, has more in it than a typical Sunday afternoon's telly
schedule).

The ship's compute woke them when they were in orbit around their next
destination planet. They were receiving a message from the planet.
Andrew picked up the transmitter and the three of them crowded around
to listen.
"Unidentified craft. Please identify yourself." The message
said.
"This is the N.R.K. Baftaprize." Andrew said.
"The what?" the voice said.
"The N.R.K. Baftaprize." Andrew repeated.
"Oh." Said the voice, "Are you aliens?"
"No, we're not aliens." Andrew said.
"Depends on your point of view." Euston pointed out.
"What was your call sign?" the voice asked.
"Is that like a star sign?" Jimmy asked.
"The name of your ship." The voice clarified.
"The N.R.K. Baftaprize." Andrew repeated, speaking slowly and
clearly.
"Oh." The voice said again, "What does it stand for?"
"It?" Euston said, "Who knows? Information Technology, Income Tax,
Irish Tart&;#8230;"
"No, no." the voice interrupted before Euston carried on his list of
things starting with I.T., "Not I.T., N.R.K. What does N.R.K. stand
for?"
"No-one Really Knows." Andrew replied quickly before Euston could come
up with another joke answer.
"Why not?" the voice asked.
"What do you mean 'why not'?" Andrew asked back.
"Why doesn't anyone know?"
"We do know." Andrew replied, " that's what it stands for. N.R.K.
No-one Really Knows."
"I see." The voice said.
"What does that stand for?" Euston asked before anyone could stop
him.
"What?" the voice asked.
"I.C." Euston said.
"I'm not sure."
"No," Euston said, after a pause, "That's I.N.S."
"What? Where?"
"Where what?"
"I.N.S." the voice said, "What is it anyway?"
"I'm Not Sure."
"But you just said it!" the voice exclaimed.
"You said it first," Euston accused the voice, "So what does it stand
for?"
"What? I.T.?" Jimmy asked, more than a little confused.
"No," Euston said, "We've done that joke. What does I.N.S. stand
for?"
"Who can tell?" the voice admitted.
"Wrong again," Euston said, "that's W.C.T."
"What is?"
"Who Can Tell."
"Tell what?"
"This could go on for a very long time." Andrew pointed out.
"Yes." The voice from the planet agreed, wondering why it hadn't been
trained for situations like this, "So N.R.K. Baftaprize, what do you
want?"
"We want to land." Andrew informed the voice.
"We want to take over your planet." Euston mis-informed the
voice.
"Nice cup of tea would be lovely." Jimmy requested, completely missing
the point.

Andrew had eventually tired of the voice from the planet and cut it
off. They landed in the garden of a very large white house. Some men
outside were shooting at their ship, a helicopter hovered over head and
a negotiator of sorts was shouting at the Baftaprize through a loud
speaker. Andrew, Jimmy and Euston ignored all of this and teleported
themselves into the white house. They found themselves in a large oval
room. A middle-aged man was standing with his back to them on the other
side of a desk looking out of a window. Andrew cleared his throat
noisily. The man turned and stared in incomprehension at the three men
for a moment.
"How are you?" he demanded, "and who did you get into my office?" Our
three heroes frowned and attempted to decipher the jumbled sentence.
Euston gave up first, shrugged unconcernedly and crossed the room to
sit on the desk.
"That almost, but not quite, made sense." He told the middle-aged
man.
"Who are you?" the man asked, staring at Euston's hair, which appeared
to be waving at someone out of the window, in incomprehension.
"Oh, I get it." Andrew exclaimed, "WHO are you and HOW did you get
into my office?" Andrew laughed at the error.
"Just because you haven't made a mistake in the last twenty minutes."
Euston reminded Andrew, while trying to tame his rebellious hair.
"Who are you?" the man repeated. Jimmy sat down in one of the big
leather chairs and put his feet on the man's desk. The man watched him
in incomprehension.
"Aliens." Jimmy said.
"Why aren't you green?" the man asked. Euston shrugged.
"Why aren't you purple?" he replied. Andrew walked around the desk and
pointed out of the window at the Baftaprize standing on the lawn
surrounded by armed guards.
"That's our spaceship." He told the man. The man squinted out at it
with a look of incomprehension.
"What does it do?"
"It's a ship that flies through space." Andrew explained, "Hence
spaceship." He continued walking back to the other side of the desk to
stand between Euston, who was still perched on the desk and Jimmy, who
was leaving muddy footprints on the desk and it's contents. The man
continued to stare at them with a look of incomprehension. Andrew was
beginning to think he never looked at anything with
comprehension.
"We're space explorers." Andrew began.
"What does that mean?" the man asked.
"We explore space." Euston answered.
"What does that&;#8230;?" the man began.
"It's not really important." Andrew interrupted before Euston launched
into a long explanation, "We are here to deliver a massage."
"A massage?" Euston exclaimed, "What the hell's wrong with you?"
"A message." Andrew corrected himself, with irritation.

Andrew had told the man they were here to tell him he was a complete
moron. The man hadn't seemed surprised and continued to stare at them
with the same look of incomprehension. He reminded Euston of a sheep,
who never seem to comprehend anything even the grass they see and eat
every day. Euston shared the sentiment. Jimmy began talking about the
sheep that Bo Peep had lost and everyone else ignored him. The man had
asked them what evidence they had for their allegation. Euston had
asked him where China was. The man asked if it was a small island off
the coast of North America. Jimmy asked if it was crockery. Andrew told
them it was neither of these things. Euston had told the man China was
a large country in the Far East. The man asked him if he was sure that
wasn't North Carolina and Euston had said that he was sure. Andrew
quoted back to the man several soundbites he'd made that almost, but
not quite, made sense. But, as it turned out, they had to explain to
the man why they didn't make any sense. As guards with guns burst
through the doors and pointed them at the three men they decided the
middle-aged man was terminally stupid. So stupid that he couldn't even
comprehend his own stupidity. The three explorers teleported back to
the Baftaprize while the man continued to stare at the space where
they'd been in incomprehension.

The Baftaprize took off from the lawn outside the big white house and
settled into an orbit around the planet. Andrew, Euston and Jimmy were
seated around a table, Andrew had a stack of cards in his hands. Each
card had the name, occupation and address of one of the idiots they
were to visit. He flipped them over, reading them to himself.
"Are they all from this planet?" Euston asked.
"You wouldn't believe how many idiots there are on this planet."
Andrew told the other two, "Politicians, lawyers, film directors,
newspaper editors, comedians, actors&;#8230;" he shook his head, so
did Jimmy, Euston's hair shook itself and arranged itself into
something resembling a beehive. Andrew stood up and dropped the stack
of cards onto the table. He crossed the room and looked out of a window
at the blue and green planet below them.
"Well, we can't leave without making fun of them all." Euston said,
leaning across to flick through Andrew's cards, "That would be like
leaving a hotel without stealing the towels."
"Yes." Andrew agreed, "We're going to be here for a long long long
long time."