The Ticket

The minute I heard the numbers on the news station, I knew. I knew
my wife would kill me because I had misplaced our lottery ticket
several days ago. I heard the announcer read my lucky numbers. The
jackpot was a record $240 million.
Then I relaxed for a few seconds, I thought maybe I had more time to
find the ticket. My wife always listened for the numbers on the
televisions in the bar where she worked, but she told me that morning
her boss would be shutting them down to install new ones. So I figured
I had at least six to eight hours in my search.
A minute later I received a call, my wife screamed, "Hello Mr.
Millionaire!" Trembling, I asked how she knew about the numbers.
Apparently my big mouthed sister-in-law who's so lazy she has nothing
to do but stay at home and watch TV heard the numbers , and called her.
(She remembered the numbers I used because all of them were the scores
of her previous IQ tests.)
She said, "I just told my boss what he could do with all those
un-cleaned shot glasses! My sister's picking me up. We'll be over in an
hour!"
After she hung up, I tore apart my apartment. In a few minutes it
looked like a half dozen tornadoes had spent the night in our living
room. I heard the sweat from my face hit the wooden floors.
Where did I place that ticket? I tried to retrace my steps over the
past several days. Ok, I thought after work I would go home, grab a
beer, sit on the couch, turn on the TV set. Actually this was my
pattern for the past ten years.
I had to relax, I opened a can of beer and laid with my legs
outstretched on my
soon to be re-possessed sofa. Maybe the lottery officials would just
give us the money, after all I've used the same numbers for the past
six months. I mean I could show them my previous lottery stubs. Surely
they would much rather give the money to us rather than donating it to
some worthless cause like the state educational fund. What good would
that do? Look how much it educated me.
I picked up my cell-phone to call the lottery claims office. "Listen I
won the 240 million dollar jackpot, but there seems to be a slight
problem. I lost the ticket. Would you accept my word that I bought the
ticket?" I heard the employee scream with laughter.
"Miss this isn't a joke. I'm willing to submit to a lie detector test
if that would help." Seconds later I heard her mumbling off the phone,
then I heard everyone in the office howling with laughter. Her
supervisor then picked up the phone, still dying with laughter, she
said, "Sir for 240 million anyone in this room could make themselves
pass a polygraph." She hung up.
My wife would be home soon. I could feel my face go pale. There was a
nervous convulsive twitch in my upper cheek. I decided to try something
desperate. I picked up my phone again and called the psychic network to
speak with one of their counselors. Maybe they could figure out where I
placed the ticket. "Hello," the operator answered. I yelled, "Give me
your best psychic! I don't care what the cost is!" I gave her my credit
card number. "Well that would be me."
"Listen I misplaced the 240 million dollar lottery ticket. You have to
tell me where it is
before my wife comes home." I asked. "Sir if you misplaced a 240
million dollar lottery ticket, then you also misplaced your brain along
with it." "Listen Miss I can't believe I'm paying five dollars a minute
to speak to you!
"Calm down Sir, I'm a little slow, since I lost my tarot cards. I'm
using my uncle's pinochle deck instead."
"I'm running out of time! You have to do something!"
"Ok I'll use all my psychic and normal powers to help you. I think I
can solve the problem, but I'll have to charge you more than the basic
rate."
"Thank God. How much do you want?"
"Well, about 240 million dollars."
I felt the blood rush to my face in anger. I came very close to
swearing when I heard the door open. My wife entered the room, with my
sister-in-law, she yelled, "Here's my millionaire!"
The psychic hearing my wife said, "I'm predicting you'll be dead
within the next hour. Wow this job is really fun. I have to tell my
boss I finally got one right!"
I hung up the phone, my clothes drenched in sweat.
"Ah listen about that ticket."
"What is it Mr. Trump?"
I knew she was going to kill me. So I headed towards the window to
jump out the twelve story building. Right after I lifted the window she
pulled out the ticket from her purse.
"By the way do you think I should make a copy of this?"
"How did that get in your purse?"
My sister-in-law answered, "That was me. I found it on your desk when
I visited a few days ago. I thought it would be safer with her so I put
it in her purse."
I walked over to her, grabbed her by the collar and began dragging her
towards the window before my wife stopped me.