Journal January 05

Everything is such a wreck. I just dodged a logistical bullet that
could have finally wrecked this semblance of a comfortable, academic
life. They changed my class location to Medford. I would have had to
drive on the free way to Medford at night in the winter. That's out of
the question for me because of my lack of depth perception. Now, they
told me about this weeks ago. But I just slacked it off. I could have
just gotten on the internet and probably taken care of it. I don't know
what I was thinking. I suppose I must be lazy or stupid. And I think
it's stupid. I just don't understand situations fast enough. My will is
good enough.
So now I'm going to have to hustle my way into another speech class. I
just saved myself from late cancellation charges I couldn't have
afforded. And you just can't make it in this world. Something always
goes wrong. You have to have a comfortable margin of error. And I want
to be somebody. I don't understand what's wrong, why I can't be a
successful person.
I've got this picture of my Grandma out in front of me. It makes me
happy; she was such a sweet woman. It's like God is telling me to hang
on for her. Well, I will. I'll keep my cool; I'll work harder. But
should I be good? Being good doesn't pay in this world. I've given
money to the poor and it's never helped me. Should I be honest? I've
been rewarded for my lies than my honesty in my life. The authorities
hold a lie over me; I was assaulted and defended myself and they've
violated my rights.
Should I be as good and as honest as is possible in this society? Is
that what my grandma would want? It's so hard without a line. And I
feel an urge to fight, to lie, to hustle. Don't I have a right?
I do have a right. Damn it all to hell. I will hold on and I'll work
hard. But I will hustle, lie and cheat. I will make it. I will succeed
in this world, Grandma.