THE STATE OF BARBARIA

IN BARBARIA, THE ELECTRIC SUN KEEPS IT 70 DEGREES IN THE SPRING, 80 DEGREES IN SUMMER, 60 IN FALL AND 40 IN WINTER.

IN BARBARIA, THERE IS ALWAYS A WAR; IN THE ABSENCE OF A WAR, THERE WILL BE A WAR ON DRUGS. IN THE ABSENCE OF DRUGS, THERE WILL BE A WAR AGAINST "WAR" OR ANY OTHER NOUN THAT HAS BECOME A THREAT TO HOMELAND SECURITY.

IN BARBARIA, NUDE DANCING AND SEX ARE UNETHICAL AND PROHIBITED; THEY WERE DISTRACTING YOUTH FROM WORK, RELIGION, AND CAGE FIGHTING

BARBARIA IS THE FINEST NATION ON EARTH: NO BARBARIAN HAS EVER HEARD OF ANOTHER NATION BEING BETTER IN ANY WAY; AS A MATTER OF FACT, ASIDE FROM MEXICO, OTHER NATIONS ARE JUST RUMOURS

ALL BARBARIANS ARE EQUAL, IN THEORY; ALSO, PTOLEMY IS THE NATIONAL ASTRONOMY. SHOULD SOME BARBARIANS APPEAR TO BE RICH AND OTHERS IMPOVERISHED, OR THE EARTH TO BE REVOLVING AROUND THE SUN... IT'S AN OPTICAL ILLUSION CREATED BY THE DEVIL

CHARACTER IS ESSENTIAL IN BARBARIA; IT'S CLOSELY ASSOCIATED WITH TEAM SPORTS LIKE FOOTBALL. YOU'LL KNOW A STAND-UP GUY BY A REALLY GOOD PASS AND WHEN A BLACK GUY DISGRACES HIS HEISMAN BY SMOKING POT AND GETTING INTO YOGA... YOU'LL KNOW HE'S GONE TO THE DARK SIDE.

EDUCATION IS VERY POPULAR IN BARBARIA; LEARNING IS JUDGED BY THE ABILITY TO GO ON AND ON, MAKING MANY SOPHISTICATED REFERENCES, WITHOUT COMING TO ANY CONTROVERSIAL CONCLUSIONS... OR BETTER YET, ANY CONCLUSIONS AT ALL. SPECIALIZATION AND POP REFERENCES ARE ALSO EXCELLENT; A COURSE MIGHT BE TAUGHT ON THE TAO OF REALITY T.V., OR THE HISTORY OF THE SNICKERS BAR.

IN BARBARIA, ALL THE TECHNOLOGY IS CUTTING EDGE; THERE ARE MACHINES TO TAKE EVENING STROLLS FOR YOU; MACHINES TO APPRECIATE MOZART AND VIVALDI FOR YOU; THERE'S EVEN A NEW AND IMPROVED DEVICE FOR FALLING IN LOVE

EVERYTHING IS COPY-RIGHTED IN BARBARIA; YOU MUST PAY A 50 CENT ROYALTY TO SAY GOOD MORNING OR A DOLLAR TO SAY GOOD DAY; ZISNEY AND ZAL-MART ARE LOCKED IN LITIGATION OVER THE MOON.

BARBARIANS SUPPORT THEIR TROOPS IN HARM'S WAY; ANYONE SUGGESTING TROOPS MIGHT COME HOME OUT OF HARM'S WAY, PROBABLY HATES THE TROOPS

IN BARBARIA, A MOVIE IS COMPRISED OF ROMANTIC SCENES AND FIGHT SCENES; BARBARIAN DIRECTORS ARE LOOKING FOR A WAY TO FUSE THEM

IN BARBARIA, THE ONLY LEGAL ART-FORM IS COMIC BOOK ART; ANYONE NOT KNOWING THE INTRICACIES OF BATMAN AND THE X-MEN WILL BE DEPORTED TO A SIBERIAN SHOPPING MALL FOR "RE-EDUCATION"

BARBARIA HAS NO HISTORY; SUPPOSING IT DID, IT WAS A VICTORIOUS PROGRESSION TOWARD THE PRESENT

THERE ARE NO TRASH CANS IN BARBARIA; NO-ONE USED THEM ANYWAY

CITIZENS OF BARBARIA PREFER THEIR MUSIC NOISY AND VIOLENT; THE MOST POPULAR ALBUMS ARE TAPED CONFESSIONS BY MANIC SERIAL KILLERS ACCOMPANIED BY SILVERWARE BEING MICROWAVED.

IN BARBARIA, THERE IS ALWAYS AN ADVERTISEMENT: AT A FUNERAL, THERE WILL BE SPONSORS ON THE CASKET; AT A HANGING, THE HANGEE WILL TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENDORSE A COLA OR A TOOTHPASTE.

IN BARBARIA, THERE ARE NO "IDEAS"; THEY DO NOT FIT INTO THE AD SPOTS AND ARE WELL-KNOWN TROUBLEMAKERS

IN BARBARIA, IT IS A CRIME TO OPEN DOORS FOR OLD LADIES OR HELP LOST CHILDREN FIND THEIR MOMS; IT MAKES OTHER BARBARIANS LOOK LESS THAN EQUAL

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO LEAVE BARBARIA: OPEN A BOOK