The Hospital Room

                                                                  The Hospital Room

 

I hate hospitals. I’m tired of this one that’s for sure. It seems like every other day here I am. They should just reserve this room for me. Put my name on the door. But, they should take that poster of the kitten off the ceiling. It’s been there forever. I’m sure this room was meant for a child at one time because I personally find no reassurance in a kitten with wet ears.

I’ve been here for seventeen days now. This time anyway. Last time it was a month. Even though I’m still drained and I just can’t seem to shake this. I have only slept two-three hours a night since I’ve been here. These dang nurses won’t leave me alone. And, I’m telling you, if that one with strong perfume comes in here and stands in front of that fan when I’m trying to sleep one more time I’m going to push her down the stairs. Ok, no I won’t but I’ll think about it.

My doctor was supposed to be here two hours ago. She comes in every morning to tell me I have to stay another day. And each time she says it I see that stupid kitten because I roll my eyes. She’s probably sick of me doing that but I’m sick of her telling me what to do. She’s so bossy. Today I really want to go home.

I didn’t even know I had the pneumonia, anemia, strep throat, and iron depletion when I was admitted. All I knew was, I had a sore throat and a fever. And, the fever was causing me to be delirious. I ran off the road about ten times getting to my aunt’s house and when I got there she brought me here. I’ve never been so sick in my life. Even with all the other ailments I’ve had, including other pneumonias, this is by far the worse I’d ever been.

“Good morning Anna.” I heard Dr Corbin sing as she walked through the door.

“Good morning. Do I get to go home today?” I’m going to put her through a wall if she says no. Ok, no I won’t but I’ll think about it.

“Well, I hate to tell you this but I’m concerned about your blood work I had drawn this morning. So, I think we need to keep you at least another day, let the antibiotics work, and do some more testing. Is that ok with you?” She was smiling. She knew that wasn’t ok with me but, what choice did I have. I paid her to make such calls. I wish I would have stuck to my putting her through a wall plan.

“Ok. I guess so. You’re my doctor and I trust you.” I was defeated by that point. I cannot sleep in a hospital so I knew another twenty-four hours in here meant another two hours sleep. I just wanted to go home and rest.

“But, what is wrong with my blood work?”

“I’ll know more when we run some more labs.” I don’t know if I believed that she didn’t already know.

After asking if I had more questions and me denying that I did, she left.

I must have finally fallen asleep after Dr. Corbin left because I was awoken by a tickle on my nose. It’s a thousand wonders I even dozed off. The volume on that TV on the wall would get really loud all by itself. It aggravated the daylights out of me. When my eyes opened there stood my best friend, Angie.      

She and I had known each other since childhood. We did everything together. We worked and played together. No one on God’s green earth could party like Angie except maybe Stephanie. Angie was a small girl. She was only as big as a hand full of minutes. Blonde hair, from a box and pink eyes, from a box. She wore more make-up than anyone I knew. Her hair grew fast too, so one day its short and next month it’s long. Irritating since mine grew like a cactus.

“Sorry to wake you honey. How’s your morning? Has the doc been here yet?” She was almost as annoying as the doctor had been.

“Yep and I’m still laying here so you can gather what she said on your own. I’m so sick of this place. Plus, every time I get pneumonia, all of my food tastes the same. I hate this and I hate this place.” I realized I was being hateful. “So how’s your morning?” I asked with a grin.  

“Ha-ha so nice of you to be concerned with me. I spoke with Steph and she’s coming by at lunch to see you.”

Now Stephanie was one to carry on at a party. She had the party girl looks. You know, red hair that looked good combed or slept on, flawless skin so not much make-up is required to make her beautiful, and a smile that wouldn’t quit. And, dainty like Angie.

“Good. I didn’t see her yesterday. She called though around dinner time. So, how was Jaimie’s party Saturday? Did anyone score?” I wasn’t talking about random sex although it had been known to happen. I was referring to our friend crystal. She went in our lungs or in our arms. This had been a long seventeen days but today Angie came baring gifts.

“How does this look?” She asked holding up a needle. “I could put it in your IV.” She said. I knew she was joking. The nurses and doctors wouldn’t notice because of all the needle sticks from blood work. I usually smoked crystal but we didn’t want the smell here in the room. So, today was a special treat. I’ve only used the needle a few times but it always works faster than the smoke.

I had only begun my relationship with crystal six months ago. I introduced the girls to her. She was slowly becoming my best friend. Not the first friend to enter my body that was for sure.

My friends and I held down jobs and managed our lives and companies. Crystal didn’t seem to get in the way. Of course I didn’t hang out with her except the weekends and during the week if I were carrying a heavy load at work. Which seemed a little more often these days.

As soon as I saw it leaving the needle I began to drift off. Ah yes, euphoria. Where have you been? Everything seemed to move in slow motion. If this was my reward for being here in this room, I’d say it’s been worth every minute.

“Anna, Anna, wake up.” I opened my eyes to see Nurse Ratchet’s face. I wish I could shove her down the stairs.

“Yeah? What’s going on?” I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. Its four o’clock honey. Dr Corbin called to let us know she’s coming to see you.”

Right then I saw her coming around the corner.

“Hi, Anna.” She began. This time she wasn’t singing to me.

“Hi, what are you doing here in the middle of the day?”

“Remember I told you we needed more blood work this morning? I had some non-routine tests ran today and I have an answer to all your recent pneumonia, and overall failing health.” She was beginning to scare me putting it like that. Failing health? Yeah I had been sick a lot lately but how serious could it be?

“There’s not an easy way to say this Anna, but you’ve contracted HIV.

Wow. I couldn’t catch my breath for a minute and I know I didn’t close my mouth.

“What? Are you sure?” Oh my God! HIV? How can this be?!!

 

“Unfortunately I am sure. It explains your weakened immune system. Now we need to find out how you got it. Do you have unprotected sex?”

Well that put me on the spot.

“Sometimes.” My one word answer. I couldn’t say another because I thought I was gonna throw up.

“Drug use? Especially needles?”

“Yeah.”

“So you share them with others?”

“Sometimes but mainly just my friends and it’s casual.” I couldn’t help but wonder what difference it makes how I got this. The fact that I got it is quite enough.

Dr. Corbin was so kind and sweet as she spoke with me. But, her words cut like a knife. How could this happen? What was I going to do? How would I live the rest of my life with HIV? People like me don’t catch viruses. I’m not a bum. I’m a freaking lawyer for crying out loud.

“What we need to do is start you on some meds to help fight off your infections which are caused by your lack of an immune system. And to boost your appetite. Hopefully you can put on some of the weight you’ve lost.” I had lost over forty pounds but I never thought this could be why. I thought my small frame could afford to lose a little.

“That’s not all Anna. There’s more bad news.” She said. Her voice low and meek now.

How could there be more bad news? What on God’s green earth could be worse than HIV?

“You don’t just have HIV. I don’t know how long you’ve had the virus but your blood work shows that you have full blown AIDS. And, the prognosis isn’t good this late in the game.” She should have just shot me. I thought about screaming but decided not to. However, by then I couldn’t stop crying.

“So what do I do?” I asked with tears flowing down my cheeks.

“At this point all we can do is palliative care. We’ll treat each of your infections as they come, we’ll give you anti-virals, and keep you comfortable. But, I don’t want to sugarcoat anything for you. So, I need to reiterate and tell you that your prognosis is dismal. I think you may have three months. Tops.”

“You don’t know how long I’ve had the virus until now, when you tell me I’ve had it long enough to have AIDS? How can that be? I’ve had every test known to man and you’re telling me that you didn’t catch this until today? That’s what you’re telling me?” By now I wasn’t only crying, I was yelling. How could she let this happen? Now I’m gonna die because of her stupidity. Where’s the fairness in that?

Now she was crying too. She certainly had good bedside manner.

All I could do is cry. God, how could you do this to me? How could you give me a death sentence before I could have a family? Before I could become a mom? How could you do this to me?

Those questions just went over and over in my mind.

“You need to contact those you’ve shared needles with and have had unprotected sex with to let them know.”

“I’m thirty-five. I can’t remember everyone I’ve been with. Some I didn’t know to begin with.”  Oh my God….Angie and Stephanie. How was I going to tell them?

Dr. Corbin left the room with instructions that no one enter the room for a while and I was to be moved to ICU right away. I was thankful for the quiet alone time but this silence was going to kill me.

All alone in the quiet I laid there and I cried and I tried to reason with myself over this. It’s too soon God. I’m not ready. There’s so much I haven’t gotten to do. So many places I haven’t seen. So many people I’ve yet to meet. And now this? How could you? How could you do this to me? What have I ever done to you? Huh? What have I ever done to anyone?

A few hours had passed when I heard a knock at the door. It shook me back to reality. The nurse asked if I could have a visitor. Before I could say yes Stephanie poked her head around the corner. She was wearing one of those yellow gowns, gloves, and a mask.

As soon as I saw her face the tears began to flow. I knew I was gaunt looking. My black hair a stringy mess but I was so defeated that I lost my vanity. How was I supposed to tell them that I was dying?

“Hey Anna, banna, bo-banna.” She looked so happy. “Why all the tears? Are you upset you can’t go home? I can try to talk them into letting you come home with me so I can take care of you.”

“No sweetie, that’s not it. I got terrible news today and I have to tell you about it. And Angie. Can you call her?”

“Sure.” She didn’t ask why. She just did as I asked.

We sat mostly in silence while we waited for Angie to arrive. Soon enough she came around the corner with the same attire that Stephanie had on.

“What’s with these get ups the nurse made me put on?” She asked nearing my bed. She walked over to hug me but I held up a hand and told her no.

“Girls I have bad news to share with you.” My tears were falling once again. Through my tears I continued “The reason for those gowns and gloves and the reason I can’t get over these lung infections is because I have AIDS.”

“WHAT?” they said in unison.

“Shut up.” Angie said when she couldn’t believe her ears.

“It’s true Angie. I just found out. It’s advanced and Dr. Corbin gave me three months. I’m waiting to be moved to ICU as soon as the get a room ready for me.”

We all sat in silence with the exception of crying.

Then finally, “How do we give you up, Anna? What is life going to be like for us if you’re gone?”

“I have to ask you both to get tested. We’ve shared needles and that could be how I got it.”

“No freakin’ way!” Angie said angrily. “Just because you have this doesn’t mean I do. I’m not sick and I’m not getting tested. You can keep your germs to yourself.” I had never seen her so angry in my life. Especially at me. She abruptly left the room.

“She’s right Anna. We’re not sick.”

“You don’t have to be. You can have it for a month or two without symptoms. Please get tested.”

“How do you suppose I explain this to my family? I can’t have that test done and I’m with Angie on this one. Keep your germs to yourself.”

Then she stomped out of the room.

I’m an only child and my parents were killed in a robbery two years ago. Stephanie and Angie were my only family. I didn’t want to die alone.

For several days I called and texted them from my bed in ICU. I tried to tell them I was going home. Not much more the doctors can do and insurance kicks the patient out after so long. But, no answers. How could they be this angry with me? It’s crazy. I never meant for this to happen.

A month had passed and still no sign of my friends. My hospice nurse, Rachel was the only person in my life at that point. She took care of me and we talked but she wasn’t my sister.

During this month I had drank protein shakes, took vitamins, appetite stimulants, and everything else Rachel handed me but I was still losing weight. And I had lesions on my face and back. They hurt so badly. And itched like crazy. I couldn’t scratch because that made the pain even greater.

I felt like I was all alone in this world with no one by my side. I was scared. My fear of mortality was new. Of course I would give it thought after I’m told I’m dying. Maybe if I feared it beforehand I wouldn’t be in this condition.

Rachel was a born again Christian and she talked non-stop about her God and her Jesus and all I could do is wonder where her God was when I was given this death sentence. I hadn’t done anything to Him. I minded my own business in this world. I had a good job, a good home, and up until last month a good family. Now look at me: I’m a hot mess. I didn’t bother anybody. Maybe I partied a little too much. Whatever kind of God that Rachel served wasn’t a God I wanted to meet. Why would I give Him the time of day when He obviously wasn’t concerned with me?

All I was worried about right now were Angie and Stephanie. Even though they never answered their phones I knew they would listen to their voice mail and read their text messages. So, I called and texted all day every day begging them to get tested…..no reply.

Another month went by and I still hadn’t heard from them. I kept sending messages. That was just the kind of people they were. Even though they weren’t being the best friends right then I knew they loved me and I knew I would reach them eventually.

This month had been much more unkind to me than the last. Rachel was still dripping “Loving God” from her lips. One of these days I’m going to tell her what I think about that God that she can’t shut up about.

I lost ten more pounds. I was doing everything I could but I could no longer hold food down. Rachel had me drinking nutrition shakes. They were friendlier to my body than solid food. I had noticed all the bones in my body were showing. Some days it was hard just getting out of bed. I had to give up the bathroom and replace it with one of those bedside things. Rachel had to love her job to mess with that.

It had been several months since I was able to work. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to go to the office and defend one more client.

When my dad died, I inherited his law firm. I became a lawyer because I respected what my dad did and the money wasn’t too shabby either.

I was lucky to sit up in the bed to watch TV. It was killing me knowing I would never go before another judge. The adrenaline of the job was more addictive than any pill I’d ever taken.

My three months were almost up. I was still alive but I could tell it wouldn’t be much longer. My friends still wouldn’t answer their phones and I didn’t care just how annoying they found me right then, I would not give up. I didn’t want to think about them being in this much pain.

I hadn’t sat up in bed for two weeks. It was hard to breathe sometimes but Rachel used a suction tube to bring mucus up out of my chest. It helped but not enough. I found it very hard to speak. My fingers could no longer point in one direction. I couldn’t force my hands to be still.

Rachel found a captive audience in me when she talked about God. I couldn’t talk well enough or long enough to change the subject. After months of hearing about this I was finally hearing her.

“He loves you Anna. He didn’t come here to die for you for no reason.” Rachel was a serious looking girl. I knew she meant every word she had said to me. And, come to find out, proof of God is sometimes in the whisper, not in the scream.

How had I never thought about Him before? My parents weren’t religious people so I never heard any of this at home.

“If you’re not ready when the time comes, you won’t make it to Heaven. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I wouldn’t be doing you any good if I didn’t tell you the truth. You need Him, more than your next breath.”

Right then that next breath was hard to come by. I could feel a hot tear escape my eye. She was weighing on me at that point.

I had finally reasoned within myself that death was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. It couldn’t be stopped. I had thought in that hospital room months ago when I was given a death sentence, that no way would I be dead in three months. I’m in the prime of my life and no virus kills anyone in three months.

But, I was wrong.

Rachel gave me a mirror one day and I didn’t know the person looking back at me. My hair looked uncombed, my face looked like skin on skeleton, and that made my eyes look round and close together. I couldn’t believe what I had become. I hadn’t looked in a mirror in over a month. I didn’t want to and now I understood my reluctance. I was so vain all my life and now I looked like death. I only weighed eighty pounds by then or so that was Rachel’s guess.

My aunt had been my only visitor since my diagnosis. I still couldn’t reach my friends. I don’t know what made them so angry at me. I guess they weren’t too happy with facing mortality either.

I woke up on a cool Saturday morning another month later. My room was mostly white and not a spec of dirt anywhere. The leaves were orange, yellow, and brown outside my window. I liked being there looking out during the day. It helped me put things in perspective.

That morning I really didn’t feel well. I couldn’t catch my breath and I couldn’t cough. Rachel couldn’t get much out of my chest with the suction tube either. She checked my temperature and it was 104.2.

“I’m calling an ambulance.” She said with lots of emotion.

I asked her to call Stephanie and Angie and leave them a message that I was going to the hospital.

“And….Rachel…..pray……for…..me.” I could barely talk.

When I arrived I went through the ER where I got IV fluids and an antibiotic IV. Then I was rushed up to ICU. It was cold in that room and all I could feel was the blowing of the ceiling vents. I couldn’t speak because I had a breathing tube down my throat breathing for me. I could hear the beep beep beep of the machine next to me. Occasionally the beeps took longer pauses. For some reason I couldn’t open my eyes. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t open them.

“Anna, Anna, can you hear me?” That was a familiar voice. It was Angie.

“Maybe, she can’t hear you.” Another familiar voice. That was Stephanie.

Thank you God for bringing my sisters to me. I thought to myself. I can hear you. I can hear both of you.

I couldn’t seem to move. Finally one of them took me by the hand.

“We love you Anna. And if you can hear us at all, we want you to know that we got tested this morning and we are so sorry for getting angry with you. We love you so much. That was Stephanie’s voice but I wasn’t sure whose hand it was.

I gave it a squeeze anyway.