A Hole to Eden

"This is crazy!" my wife said. "New York has never gotten this much tourism, and it's fucking New York!"

"I know, it's like the entire city has been transformed into an American Mecca."

We were sitting at the table. It was morning, and she was taking quick sips of her coffee so as to not burn her tongue. I was happily scarfing down an omelette that I had cooked not five minutes ago.

She turned on the TV.

"New reports have come in about the portal to the fabled Garden of Eden that has opened up in New York. Our sources are telling us the line to look into the hole is over eight miles long," the woman on the television said.

"Wow, that's incredible, Nancy," the man sitting next to her told her.

"It sure is, Phil. Now, what do you think about all this? I mean, surely some people think it's just small hole in Time Square."

I was only half paying attention. I had gone over to the sink to clean my dish and wash my hands, and the TV had entered my periphery. I was no longer really listening. But the two news anchors went on.

"Well Nancy, I think that the faith of these people is truly inspirational. They've traveled a long, long way, just to see a glimpse of paradise through a hole only a few inches wide."

"It truly is a sight to behold, Phil," Nancy said.

I walked over to my wife and gave her a kiss, and then sat back down on the table. On the TV, Nancy put two fingers on her ear.

"Well folks, we have a new report coming in. It seems that a man-" she paused for a moment, looking down. "N-no, I can't say that on- okay, okay."

She was talking to whoever was on the other side of her earpiece, and looked up after a moment, staring into the camera.

"Well folks, it seems that a man has put his penis inside the portal."

My wife spit out her coffee.

"What?" Phil said.

"Yes Phil, his penis."

"Well, that sure is a story to tell the grandkids, isn't it?" Phil joked. "Not many people can say they stuck their wiener in paradise."

My wife turned off the TV.

"That's enough, Adam," she said.

"I know," I answered. "It's time."

We stepped outside into the garden and walked to the back side of the house. I had the hedge clippers in my hand. We stopped. On the back wall of the house, there it was. A large, flaccid dingaling sticking right out of our home.

"You ready, Eve?"

"I've got the duct tape right here."

"Okay, one, two, three."

Quickly, Eve placed the duct tape over the hole. She wiped the non-existent sweat off her forehead.

"Phew, that was a close one. They could've seen us," she said.

"Yeah, we got pretty lucky." We both stood there for a moment, not saying anything.

"So, you want some brunch? I didn't really have breakfast," Eve offered, breaking the silence.

"Sure, what do we have?" I asked.

"I could whip up a fruit salad, if you want. The tree in the front has been blooming."

"Yeah, that sounds good, let's have that," I answered.

"Great, I'll go pick the fruit," Eve said.

"Bring back some extra so I can try it, too," I said as I walked back into the house, forgetting about the severed snake lying in the Garden.