The confession

THE CONFESSION

'I know that I've not got long to go now' said Maria, The pain is
getting worse by the day, and the tablets are now only just taking the
edge of it for a few hours, but before I go there is something that I
want to tell you.
'What is that mother' replied Jose, as he wiped the beads of
perspiration from his mothers brow, but the pain that she was in they
formed almost instantly again. 'If you would be kind enough to open my
jewellery box, at the bottom is a drawer inside it is an envelope, get
it for me son will you please?
Jose stood up from the chair that he had been sat on beside the bed
that his mother was now almost permanently forced to spend both night
and day. Returning to the bedside with the envelope, his mother
attempted to take it from him, but her hands were too shaky and weak to
take it from him. Eventually after a couple of minutes striving to take
the envelope from Jose and open it she said to him,
'I think that I've almost left it too late to tell you about your
father it was a long time ago now, unfortunately he died or you would
have had the brother that you always wanted when your were a
child'.
'Mother I think you better explain to me where when and how.
Jose it was all a long time ago now, in 1937, I had just finished
university, and a friend and I were having what we felt was a well
deserved holiday in Biarritz. We had gone there in the June after our
finals and by August were ready for further explorations and went over
the border into northern Spain. We had only been in Santander for just
over a week when all hell let loose and we found ourselves in the midst
of a civil war. The Spanish civil war to be precise. From what had been
a quiet fishing port on our arrival in Spain overnight all hell was let
loose. On our arrival there we had found some cheap accommodation above
a small caf?, part of our payment to the owner was that we helped in
the caf? at busy times. Our tasks were mainly of menial labour as we
were not in a position to converse with the patrons who all seemed to
shout louder and louder to each other in the local Basque language, an
unintelligible language even to the Spanish. If I remember
correctly
it was on a Monday when there had been fierce hand to hand fighting
all day, starting at first light. The caf? had been busy all day mainly
with locals not wishing to become involved with the fighting or to be
seen to be siding with any party. As evening drew in the fighting
seemed to diminish, probably for each side to sort out its injured and
start to regroup for the following day. It had been a warm day, made
even warmer by being cooped up in the confines of the caf? for hour
after hour. Eventually at about eight o'clock Carlos the owner of the
caf? said we had done enough for the day, and we could retire. Ann and
I decided to take a short breather outside before going up to our room.
We stepped into the Street and all was quiet except for the odd person
flitting from shadow to shadow, after the noisy gunfire of the day it
was almost an eerie silence in the semidarkness. It was refreshing to
us to be outside in the air even though there was the ever present
smell of explosives in the air. We had only walked about a hundred
yards when we saw the glint of something come round a corner from our
right. It only took us a fraction of a second to realise that the glint
came from a rifle roughly slung under the right shoulder and arm of a
man in a dishevelled uniform who was clutching at his left arm and
side. There was very little light to see him by but it was obvious that
he was wounded and had lost a lot of blood. He was attempting to lift
his arms up in a gesture of surrender to us. For a few seconds we were
struck dumb and didn't know what to do but just stood there rooted to
the spot, and then the soldier took one step towards us and stumbled
down onto one knee. Ann and I hurriedly stepped forward before he
crashed to the ground and steadied him, before he fell. Fortunately we
were in time to stop him falling to the ground because this would have
opened up his injuries even more and caused even more loss of blood.
With one of us on each side of him we managed to move him over to a low
wall and gently sit him down on it. Ann said to me,
'Let's have a look at his shoulder and side, how bad are the injuries?
What can we do for him? Having heard us speak he looked me straight in
the eye and asked,
'You English?
'Yes', I replied.
'Which side are you on?
'The government forced me to fight for them, saying if I do not fight
for them they shoot me as a deserter. Really I do not want to fight
anyone, I just wanted to finish my studies at the university and then
get on with my life, but they say if I do not fight for them they will
shoot me and my elderly parents, and the things they say they will do
to my sister, are unbelievable. However I am shot now anyway. Our
officer was shouting us to go forward but it was suicidal, most of the
men in my platoon are now dead, and I'm half shot away. You better go
girls if either side finds us here it will not be good for any of
us'
Looking at me Ann said to me,
'We can't just leave him like this'
'No we'll have to get him back to our room for the time being whilst we
think what to do'.
Pointing a finger at myself I said to him,
'Me Mary and you' pointing the finger at him'; he instantly realised
what I was asking him and replied
'Ram?n', then he pointed his finger at Ann and said to her
'Ann'
'Yes' we both replied.
Ann caught my eye and mouthed to me,
'What on earth are we going to do'?
Suddenly there was a terrific explosion and the ground shook beneath
our feet, and pigeons that had started to roost in the eaves of nearby
buildings reappeared with a noisy flapping of wings and took off, to
where? We never knew.
'That sounded like the next street, parallel to where we are now', said
ann.
Ram?n pointed in the direction of the sound and started to
mutter,
'Probably blown themselves up not their enemy'
'Well it's not safe to stay here much longer than necessary', I thought
to myself. Looking directly at Ram?n I asked,
'Can you manage to go about two hundred metres'
'Needs must', he replied. Ann looking thoughtful in the diminishing
light,
'We need to get up the staircase, and make sure that Carlos doesn't see
us'. As we help Ram?n to his feet I Reply To Ann,
'When we came out he was pretty tired and had started to drink the days
profit away, I'm not sure how Angelica puts up with him. He treats her
like a donkey all day and if he isn't too drunk he abuses her most of
the night'.
'If we go down the next alley on the right we can get round the back of
the caf? building and to our staircase'. By now Ann had managed to help
Ram?n to his feet and we all set off along the roadway to our little
apartment, our progress was extremely slow, as every step was obviously
agony for Ram?n and the fastest we could proceed at was a shuffle.
After a few yards we discovered that Ram?n couldn't lean on us on his
injured side and when Ann had had attempted too the dark shadow of
blood stain on his uniform visibly became larger. It took us over half
an hour to reach the bottom of our staircase, then the problem really
began we had to get Ram?n up the staircase. The staircase was only
about thirteen steps but it took the combined efforts of both girls,
one pushing and one pulling in addition to the limited efforts of Ram?n
himself. Once inside the apartment we managed to get Ram?n onto the bed
and started to cut off some of his clothing to examine his wounds, it
was immediately obvious to us that his wounds were extensive and that
parts of his uniform were now embedded into the raw flesh. Ann got a
bowl of water and ripped up some spare bed sheets and we started to do
our best to clean Ram?n up. The more we cleaned Ram?n up the more we
realised that what he really needed was a hospital to look at his
wounds for us.
Ram?n attempted to sit up and became somewhat agitated and
protested,
'No not the hospital I 'm not sure who's hands the hospital is in now,
it could be suicidal for me, you understand?
'Yes, we understand but your wounds need professional care'!
'Probably more and better than we can give you'. Ram?n looked up at us
with imploring eyes and then asked
'Whatever let me rest here awhile please'? Ann and I looked at each
other then Ann said,
' I suppose we could leave him until morning and see how he is then'. I
remember thinking to myself but what if he is dead what do we do
then'?
'I was by now feeling very tired and on looking at the other two said
to them,
'I think that it would be a good idea if we all got a few hours rest,
who knows what tomorrow will bring?'
'Yes' said Ann 'let's try and make Ram?n as comfortable as
possible
there are some spare pillows in the wardrobe I think'. With the aid of
these we propped and supported his body as best we could, it was now
almost two in the morning so we all settled down to get what rest we
could. I was wakened by the sound of a voice and on opening my eyes I
saw that it was just after five, then I realised that the voice I could
hear was Ram?n's he was delirious and rambling, there was perspiration
all over his face'. i started to try to cool Ram?n's face with a damp
cloth, but his ramblings became louder and I was becoming frightened
that someone was going to hear him, by now the noise that Ram?n was
making woke Ann up as well. Then we heard a noise someone was knocking
on our door. If it was Carlos things could become somewhat sticky for
us. We did our best to cover Ram?n up, hoping that if anybody came in
they might miss him from a cursory look.
Ann went to the door and opened it sufficient to see who was there, it
was Angelica, who gently pushed the door open and asked us,
'Are you entertaining gentlemen friends in hear, only I could hear the
noise from my room, If Carlos discovers you have had men friends
staying the night with you he will want you out rapidly'. Ann took
Angelica's hand and said to her as she lead her into the bedroom,
'It's not as it may seem at first , last evening we found a badly
injured man in the street and brought him back here to try and help
him'.
'I pulled back the covers so that angelica could see the extent of
Raymond's injuries. Angelica took one look and said to them all,
'I think we ought to send for Father Alejandro to give him the last
rites girls, it's probably the best we can do for him'.
'I'll send the boy that helps in the kitchen to fetch the Father
directly here'.
Angelica must have seen the look of horror on my face that we were all
giving up on Ram?n, a look of concentration came on Angelica's face and
she said
'We need something to fight the infection, hold tight a few minutes and
I 'll be right back'. With that Angelica was gone. In less than ten
minutes there was a gentle tap at the door and on opening it Father
Alejandro was stood there. Anjelica must have briefed him well because
he walked smoothly to the bedroom and quickly gave Ram?n the last
rights. Then before he left he gently placed the Rosary into Ram?n's
hand. Then as smoothly as he had appeared he dissolved down the
staircase into the half light of dawn.
I think that both Ann and myself were somewhat shocked by what was
happening, then there was another tap at the door, on opening it there
stood Angelica again clutching a box to her bosom.
'Where have you been' I asked her.
'Oh! Only to visit the donkey man, he uses these special Sulphur drugs
to treat donkeys that have bad infections and they seem to work for the
donkeys, so why not Ram?n?
'Anything is better than just leaving him to die'. She helped me to
support Ram?n's head whilst we gave him two of the tablets. Then she
helped us take off the rest of Ram?n's clothes and wash him and try to
give him a drink which they all found difficult to achieve, Then
Angelica said she would be back later with some food for us from the
caf? once Carlos was preoccupied with something else. True to her word
Angelica returned with a tray of bowls of chicken soup together with
fresh bread. I broke of some small pieces of bread and dipped them into
the soup and placed them onto Raymond's lips where after a moment he
sucked them into his mouth, after this he seemed to perk up and was
trying to talk to us. It was as if the food had given him some energy.
When angelica returned for the tray, she appeared to be surprised at
the improvement in Ram?n's condition. Ann and I wondered if it was the
drug she had given him , the food or the rest, we decided it was
probably a combination. Later that day Ann went downstairs and managed
to return with half a roast chicken, some bread and some cheese
together with a bunch of grapes. Neither Ann nor I realised how hungry
we were.
It took two weeks for Ram?n's wounds to start to heal and for him to
receive us with a smile when we returned to the apartment after doing
some tasks for Carlos. It was about now that we decided Ramon was well
enough to use the shower and wash his hair with some help from Ann and
I, it was at this point that I first saw him undressed and realised
that once his wounds had healed he would once again be an attractive
handsome man. When we had finished washing his hair we put
some clean clothes onto him that had been provided by Angelica, spare
clothes from Carlos's wardrobe. It was a full eight weeks before Ram?n
was able to walk about Then one evening he suddenly announced that he
was going to take a walk outside in the fresh cool evening air. I had
spent the late afternoon working In Carlos's hot kitchen so I said that
I would come a walk outside with him as well. There was a cooler breeze
under some acacia trees and it was very pleasant after all the hours
spent cooped up in the apartment. Most of our talking was about the
Spanish internal conflict. As we slowly started to walk back I found
myself with my head against Ram?n's shoulder and it felt comfortable to
me. A lot of the buildings we passed had been badly damaged and were
open to the elements. Ram?n whispered in my ear,
'I wonder what treasures are in there? It doesn't look as if anybody
has looted them. When we reached the bottom of the staircase to our
apartment Ram?n tightened his grip of me round my shoulders and
whispered into my ear,
'Thank you Maria, I wouldn't be here today without your kindness. Then
he lifted me up onto the first step and kissed me tenderly. This was
something that I wasn't used to at all; remember this was still in the
nineteen thirties, but was giving me a tingling feeling all over. The
next moment my arms were round his neck and the tender kissing became
more passionate, but I was very conscious of what if Carlos saw us or
Ann came out, would she feel betrayed'.
'Although I was enjoying myself very much, I was conscious that things
could easily get out of control, after several minutes I was forced to
push Ram?n's head back with my hand and say to him time we went inside
I think!'
Jose was looking into his mother's eyes and could see that the pain was
getting worse; he wiped her face with a damp cloth much like she must
have done for his father many years before. After a sip of water which
Jose held for her she continued,
'When we reached the top of the flight of stairs Ram?n was reluctant to
release my hand, and as we walked into the apartment I remember
thinking to myself something in my face is going to give the game away
to Ann, but she was busy doing some washing'.
'As soon as Ann had finished we all settled down for the night, and I
was quickly asleep with thoughts of Ram?n in my head. T he next morning
dawned into what looked as of it was going to be a beautiful day, after
a light breakfast of bread and coffee Ram?n did his morning exercises
which he had been doing regularly and appeared to be helping in
building his strength, then he announced that he was going to go out on
his own exploring as soon as Carlos left the caf? to visit his aging
father which Carlos did every Tuesday. Carlos took up a position behind
the old lace curtains to watch the roadway outside the caf? for
Carlos's departure'. I watched Ram?n whilst he stood there and felt
sure that he kept glancing at me, at one point he turned and said to
me,
'You are very beautiful, but I suspect that you don't realise it, your
beauty is not only in your face but it is in your soul also'. Raymond
had to wait nearly half an hour before Carlos went out, but as soon as
he saw which direction Carlos was taking, Ram?n was down the staircase,
and off down the street in the opposite direction. He told me later
that he walked past where we had walked the previous evening and came
to a square with buildings on all four sides that had been badly
damaged. The first one was a shop which he ignored, the second one was
obviously residential home of a middle class family by the view he had
of their possessions, some of which had been blown into the street when
the gable end wall had been blown out. He told me that he had to pick
his way up the front pathway which was littered with bricks and stones.
The front door had been blown open and stood on one hinge at a crazy
angle. He peeped inside and then directing his voice with his hands to
inside the building
he asked,
'Is there anybody there? Hello', after a few moments pause he
repeated,
Is anybody there? Hello'. Again he waited, but there was no reply so he
entered the house. He walked first down a corridor, then into a room on
the left which was obviously by it's furnishings a drawing room in
which there were several easy chairs, but the first thing that caught
Ram?n's attention was that the windows had been blown in and everywhere
was covered in broken shards of glass. Then he noticed the side table
that had several brandy goblets on it, two of which still contained
some brandy. Together with an almost full bottle of French brandy, this
he picked up and slid into an inside pocket of his jacket'. His
attention was now caught by an ornate antique bookcase in the corner of
the room, this also had glass doors that had been shattered by a blast
and several books had been blown forward of the shelves. Ramon told me
later that he wondered if there might be any English books that Ann and
I might like to read. There at eye level on the second shelf from the
top was an old copy, maybe even antique copy of Alice in wonderland,
this he also pulled out and put into his pocket to bring back for
me'.
'Ram?n later told me that it was at this point that he began to hear
some gunfire in the distance, so thought he better hurry up his search,
perhaps this wasn't going to be a too healthy place to be in. Ram?n
moved out of this room and back onto the corridor where a few yards
down he could see the staircase to the upper floor. Treading quietly on
the stair treads he went up to the first floor and looked round, on
entering the first room he spied a rack containing female clothes,
obviously clothes of a young woman, his immediate thoughts were that
some might be suitable to increase my wardrobe. He took down a case of
the top of a wardrobe and began to put some of the clothes into it.
Then he heard a noise from the next room, he was unsure what it was,
maybe a cat or dog, surely not anyone who might wish him harm, even
though he was in the strict sense of the word looting. He came out of
the room and looked at the door of the next room where he saw a plaque
fastened on the centre panel which read 'sala des jose'. Ram?n quietly
opened the door and got one of the biggest shocks of his life. There
before him stood up in a cot was a little boy with tearstained face,
walking quickly over to him the little boy raised his arms to be picked
up and said to him,
'Papa '. Ram?n picked him up and wiped his tearstained face with a
cloth that was on a table next to his cot. The child was obviously not
impressed by Raymond's attempts to clean its face and began to whimper,
Ram?n attempted to console the child,
'Shhhhhhh shhhhhhh now, now, what are we to do'. Ram?n was unsure what
to do so but decided that the child couldn't be left here so he
gathered up some baby clothes for it and put them into the case with
the clothes that he had collected for me'. On the mantelpiece were
stood two golf balls which he picked up and started to do a little
juggling act with in an attempt to amuse and pacify the toddler
' Then he wrapped up the child in a blanket , picking up a little book
of Winnie the pooh to occupy the child's hands safer than the golf
balls in case the child put anything into its mouth he went down the
staircase quickly now as the shooting appeared to be getting nearer and
with his new charge discretion was the better part of valour, he went
out of the house with the child held in his injured arm and the case in
his good arm and set off back to the apartment, after about hundred
yards at a side turning an old lady stepped out but she only
muttered,
'Signor', and was gone'.
'When Ram?n got back he came up the staircase quickly in case anyone
was about but it seemed all quiet and he tapped on the door to be let
in. I opened it a fraction just to be sure who was there, and the sight
that met my eyes nearly bowled me over. There was Ram?n with a small
child under one arm and a suitcase in the other both child and Ram?n
looked dishevelled but happy and said to me, I've brought you presents
here is our first child, a gift of deliverance for the three of us, and
here are some clothes for the two of you'.
I took the child from you, and can remember saying to it, so now I
wonder what your name is? Ram?n answered for you, he's called
Jose.
'But that is my name mother',
'Yes, you are Jose, the same Jose that your father brought home to me
all those years ago'.
'Ann could hardly believe her eyes when she returned. Over the next few
weeks both Ram?n and yourself grew in strength, and we had to decide
what to do for he best for all of us, remembering that we were in a
country at war with itself. Ram?n and I talked constantly and
eventually came to the conclusion that we would be better married, that
Jose was only bringing what would happen in time anyway'. Some two
months after you came to live with us Father Alejandro married us were
never sure if you had been christened so Father Alejandro christened
you a few weeks later. It was obvious to us that we couldn't stay in
this apartment for ever, so Ram?n had been looking round for somewhere
to live. Eventually he found a small farmstead that had been damaged in
the war but the fighting had now moved onto the bigger towns. This farm
had extensive olive groves and this year's crop was coming up to
harvest. With some help from the church we managed to make the farm
habitable again, and thus life moved on for us. I'd managed to get a
letter through to my parents via the Red Cross I have to admit that
they were not pleased with my behaviour. I had worried them beyond
belief, and wanted me to return home as soon as possible, but
apparently they didn't want me to fetch Ram?n and Jose with me; this
was going to be a bone of contention for many years to come. e decided
to stay where we were and bring Jose up in Spain. In addition Jose
seemed to be thriving and growing first from infant to young boy and
then onto young man. We were so proud of you on the day of your
confirmation in your confirmation suit, I've kept your photograph taken
on that day all these years it is in the envelope that you brought to
me before together with the photograph of you with Bonzo the dog that
followed you everywhere you went. o you remember the day he followed
you to school.
'All so long ago now but we were all happy in those days. Then when
you were about twenty one years old Ramon became sick and the doctor
didn't know what was wrong with him so couldn't treat him, it was
terrible to watch this man who had built everything for us we rescued
him from his injuries get sicker and sicker until he just faded
away.
I don't know if you remember the night before his funeral we sat beside
his coffin with only the light of two candles. Father Alejandro called
in to see us just before midnight and sprinkled the coffin with holy
water and left some incense burning in the room. I cannot smell incense
now without being reminded of that night it was terrible. The day of
his funeral was the worst day of my life, it was a cooler day with a
slight breeze, and as his coffin was carried to the church we could all
hear the sound of a distant Sheperd boy, playing his pan pipes in the
nearby hills whilst overseeing his charges
That my son is almost the end in that envelope is also a photograph of
us that is you and I my son, please bury it with me together with the
Rosary given to Ram?n by Father Alejandro'.

Maria slipped into a deep sleep and didn't waken up again.

Jose carried out his mothers last wishes, for sure Ram?n and Maria
were his parents.