JACK
By acg
- 437 reads
Once upon a time, in a far-away land named Hammersmith, there lived
a poor old woman and her young son, Jack. The woman, named Sheila, had
been a widow for many years, and dear Jack was her only companion. They
lived together in a cramped little council house, that backed onto the
newly erected 'Harrods Village' housing development, and, in
particular, the delightful penthouse apartment of an aspiring city
lawyer.
One day, Sheila, having looked in the cupboard and found it bare,
called to her young son:
'Jack,' said she, 'run an errand to 'Kwiksave' and buy one can of
supermarket, own-brand, extra-cheap baked beans for our supper.'
So Jack, being a goodly youth, set out for 'Kwiksave', avoiding the
stylish 'Harrods Village' housing development, where dark suited
bodyguards loomed menacingly, and the delicate evening sun glittered on
the convertable limited edition automobiles of the residents.
However, when Jack reached the bargain superstore, he found that there
were no supermarket, own-brand, extra cheap baked beans left, and so,
swayed by corporate advertising, instead decided to fork out an extra
24p, and purchase 'Heinz' special offer magic beans.
When Jack cheerfully returned home, well pleased with his purchase, his
mother, whose distress was great, chided him for his extravagant ways,
and in a sudden burst of fury, threw the beans at young Jack's
head.
However, Jack was more agile than she had expected, and darted out of
the line of fire. The beans missed his head and flew out of the window,
into the aspiring city lawyer's luxurious swimming pool and gym
complex.
The next morning, when the aspiring city lawyer came out to do his
fifty daily press-ups, having drunk his refreshing and revitilising
carrot and pineapple juice drink, he found the beans scattered over his
bench press, and sent a letter of complaint to Jack's mother, fining
her ?50 for littering.
Poor Jack's mother, whose nerves were taught as hurdy-gurdy strings,
lashed out at young Jack, and boxed his ears.
Three days passed. Early in the morning, when the aspiring city lawyer
emerged for his exercise programme, he spotted something uncommon
growing from the stylish lawn beside his swimming pool. He ran to the
spot, where he soon discovered that the beans had taken root, and
sprung up surprisingly: the stalks were of immense thickness, and had
so entwined, that they formed a ladder nearly chain-like in
appearance.
The aspiring city lawyer quickly dashed off a letter of complaint
fining her ?200 for unauthorised building on his property without
planning permission, and returned to the bean-stalk.
Looking upwards, he could not discern the top, as it appeared to be
lost in the clouds. He tried it, found it firm, and was just about to
venture inside for his Nike Vintage '85 Michael Jordan trainers when it
began to shake uncontrollably.
Suddenly, a huge, knarled foot, with grubby, curling toenails, and
withered skin covered with warts, boils, and slime, emerged from the
clouds. The aspiring city lawyer gasped girlishly, as a huge giant of a
man, with a face like a baffled warthog, climbed clumsily down the
bean-stalk.
Next door, Jack's mother, who had been watching from her window, said,
'Oh look, a giant.'
The face of the huge creature crumpled, his shoulders sagged, and his
whole body began to heave, causing the aspiring lawyer's swimming pool
to resemble more a rough sea in a storm.
'Wh-wh-why does everyone c-call me that? Boo hoo hooooooo!' sobbed the
poor giant.
Jack's mother retreated, embarrassed at the giant's wailing, into her
house. The aspiring city lawyer, remembering himself, invited the giant
in for a mint and raspberry smoothie. It was no surprise to anyone
when, the following day, a letter arrived on Jack and his mother's
doorstep, suing for height discrimination.
Poor Jack's mother, finally snapping, beat Jack around the head with
her frying pan, and burst into tears.
The next day, Jack was taken into care by social services, and everyone
lived happily ever after, except the poor old woman, Jack's mother,
whose house was repossessed.
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