A Thought

It's a Monday morning and already i feel the weight of the week on my shoulders.  A series of events that play out for the week so mundane and bland is all i have.  How do I suffer the week? I wake up and go through my rituals of stretching, eating, practicing personal hygiene, deciding what to wear, and realizing what many do I'm sure.  "Another boring day living a life with supposed free will, but performing the practiced and rehearsed sequence of events so perfectly.  With no variation and with no surprise . . . it almost appears predetermined.". 

            There are few that try to break away from the everyday OCD that we all perform, but more likely than not we all fall deep into our conditioned practices.  Sitting in my Psychology class I realized this as slowly a thought was born in my mind.  A thought so completely irrelevant to the class discussion or in action at that moment.  Randomly it was generated, or so it felt, but the reality was that it was born from an unfamiliar feeling.  However, it was far closer to me than what I had originally thought.  Always scratching at the back of my mind, always turning the door knob but never opening the door, always sitting in the back but being overwhelmed by everything in front of it.  The one and only thing missing to fracture and crumble the wall that impedes my progress, the one and only thing to break the necessity of recycling yesterday, everyday!

            As I'm trying to find the answer, I pictured a man, well into his 90's almost sitting right next to me.  Wearing a tailored suit fashioned from what appeared a suit a gentleman would wear in the height of the roaring 20's.  Hair like snow and eyes like the glacial peeks of a mountain.  Strangely though, his expression appeared Greek to me . . . like none I have ever seen on any one person.  An expression so serene that it exuded tranquility.  He reached out in front of him and grabbed a dominoes out of his wooden box sitting just to his left.  With his arm shaking, he rested the domino so it would stand erect on the desk.  Slowly and carefully, he released it.  The domino wobbled a bit before coming to a complete stop atop the desk.  At this point I made sure not to move a single muscle for if I did, i feared I would cause the domino's to fall.  He continues to do this for a while, making a row, twisting and bending, in a seemingly haphazard direction.  So I stopped him briefly and asked him what was his reason or what compelled him to arrange the dominos. 

            He responded, "I do it simply for the desire.".  His desire?! Because he wants to?! So I asked him another question; is there a reason for this?  "Reason?  Must there be one?". As I continue questioning him, I noticed some domino’s were knocked over.  He quickly but carefully, picked it back up, and put them back in order, some he simply let lay there.  Finally, he reached for his final domino and placed it at the end of the trail.  As he did, I felt a calm breeze enter the room from simply nowhere.  It was then I felt a drop of water on my hand that was fiddling with one of the dominos as I asked him a question.  He then replied with a question of his own, "What do you 'think' about 'free will'?"  I had nearly forgotten what that word meant.  His one question re-invited it back inside of me.  Another drop of water splashes on my hand.  I look up and see the gentleman once more.  A crack, a small fracture, a single split revealing itself on his countenance is the source of the drops of water.

            A calm gentle breeze gradually building strength, every crack that keeps branching off from the origin brings forth a strong gust.  This continued for moments more, but I must have been losing my mind.  I look around but my class mates seem to be oblivious to the torrential predicament before us.  Then I heard a thunder, it was the sight of the gentlemen’s head bursting and out from it a cascade flowed.  Filling the room with water as the transformed hurricane tore through the class room.  The entire classroom submerged, but the teacher and students floated around like nothing is happening.  The flow was calm, but I was losing air, such a desperate position.  Relaxing my body as to not waste any oxygen and hold onto life as long as I could as I watched my classmates in disbelief at what was happening.  I felt lost, incapable of understanding why I alone was left to the reality of losing my life while my class mates flaoting about the class seemed perfectly safe and continuing their lecture.  I feel ever so faint as my vision begins to blur but from under me an air bubble carresses the back of my head.  I turn my body and I see a hole, a big black hole at the bottom, like someone pulled on the plug that was keeping the water from depleting, and again, I saw the gentleman rowing a rowboat underneath the water in the direction of the hole.  So odd, everything started to spiral as we were being drained toward the hole.  Yet still, everyone remained the same, as if none of this has happened.

            I’m spiraling towards the center but everyone is getting sucked through before myself.  So many thoughts were running through my head at that point.  I couldn’t focus them, somehow somewhere, I lost control of my thoughts.  An influx of visions, ideas, “what if’s”, and memories all came to me as I was spiraling toward the hole.  However, I was determined to get through to the other side.  This is no black hole that devours all, this was just another opening to some greater plane.  Sure enough, I reach through the portal and find myself lying on a floor once I completely devote myself to going through.  As I opened my eyes, I find the floor is a pure white color.  The kind of white that pearls shine brilliantly with.  I pick myself up and start to look around . . . nothing but white. Empty.  I walk a few paces here and there, I swear I couldn’t tell if I was walking straight, sideways, or up or down.  Then I heard the gentlemen's voice ringing in my ears once more, “what do you think of free will?”.  As I heard that once more, I see a chair.  I take my seat upon my throne, but ask myself, “what now?”.  Could this be my my canvas for creativity, or my abyss for confinement

sometimes i get a thought rolling in my mind that just wont stop. a domino that has lost its balance and continues to tumble the rest. It really doesn't affect me in anyway, its just that when a single meaningless thought gets started, i find my self losing focus and daydreaming. It almost feels like I'm alone in the room, everything melts away, and theres nothing but a white area and the single chair I'm sitting on.