The Madness in my Grief

On April 14, 1999, I met four friends. Where they came from, I can’t exactly tell you. The names of my four friends are Nebula, Jada, Ellen, and Emily. Nebula and her three friends appeared to me and told me that they were there to guide me through life. Nebula had a unique gift of being a telepath and an empath. You see I woke up one day with a terrible headache that even an Advil could not solve. As I would later find out, it was Nebula trying to communicate with me. She believed that I needed her help to see life through new eyes.

 

Once she broke through the natural defenses that my brain put up to fend her off, she would constantly talk to me periodically throughout the day. Nebula believed that I have not been able to fully enjoy life since my best friend Clare died. Clare was very dear to me but I was the reaper that claimed her life. We were coming back from a party and we both had too much to drink. I warned her to let us catch a cab home. But one of the things that I loved about Claire was her persuasion skills and her need for speed. If I had to describe Clare in a few words, I would say she loved life and wanted to live her life in the fast lane. I always told her that she would die from her reckless behavior but I never thought it would be by my hands. The night of Clare’s death is on a constant re-play in my mind.

 

Time: May 2, 1996; 2:00 a.m.

Event: Clare’s boyfriend birthday party.

 

“Claire, where are you,” I said.

“I am here, are you having fun,” Clare said.

 

“Honestly, I am, since I have been here, I have had 5 shots and spoken to 10 cute boys. But I do think it is about time we go home now. Our parents are probably worried about us,” I said.

 

“Oh, yeah. We told them we were at Jennifer’s dad’s movie screening,” She said.  

 

“Maybe we should call a cab” I said. “We are a little drunk.”

 

“Come on, Alexis” she said. “One, you know it wouldn’t look right, if we came home in a cab and two, you never told me you were a lightweight” She continued.

 

“I don’t think drinking and driving is the best idea” I reminded her. “Come on, think about it, why would there be so much ads about not drinking and driving”

 

“Alexis, we are just about 10 minutes from here,” she said. “What could happen, you always live life on the cautious side,” she said. “Alexis, learn to live a little”

 

“Fine, I guess we will be fine” I said. “It really wouldn’t look right coming home in a cab.”

 

We proceeded to get into my Mercedes Benz and we started to pick up speed. On the drive home, Claire turned up the radio and we were singing to unwritten.

 

“Staring at a blank page before you” Clare started

 

“Open up the dirty window” I picked up.

 

We continued like this until a large trailer truck ran into us and threaten to push us off the highway. I managed to stop the car in time. However, in my haste in to avoid the car, I turned the car causing the truck to hit the passenger door. After stopping the car, I rushed to the passenger door.

 

“Clare, wake up” I said.

 

There was no response. I checked her pulse and breathe. Clare, was not breathing but her pulse was faint. I quickly called 911 while the guy from the truck performed CPR. Eventually, the ambulance came and moved Clare to the hospital. I never thought that would be the last time I would see my best friend alive.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------1----------------------------------------------

 

After Claire’s death, I went in and out of different mental institutions. I would constantly obsess over the details of Claire’s death that I drove myself to mania. I never dealt with the fact that while driving under the influence, I ended up killing my best friend. Since Clare’s death, I became a recluse. I stayed away from everyone. I grew distant from my parents and I lost contact with everyone. I hated the world for taking Clare away from me. Yet, at the same time, I hated that I was the person that drove her to her death. Nebula, believed that I was not focusing on all the details that happened that night. I was not seeing things right. It was my excessive sadness that drew her to me. She could feel the immense grief that I carried with me and it was weakening to feel such grief. So, in feeling my grief, she decided to tap into my brain space. She really felt that my life could be so much better if I can move past Clare’s death. As I have told Nebula, I cannot think of a memory I would want to forget. Rather, If I had one wish I would wish this memory never occurred. 

 

One night, I was in my room with Nebula, Jada, Ellen, and Emily. We were going over the night of Clare’s death again. Jada brought up an interesting point. She believed that I haven’t looked at the police and doctor report. She felt that if I looked at the reports then I would at least stop blaming myself for Clare’s death. We went to the hospital that treated Clare before she died. Since I was not a relative nor a family member, I could not access the doctor report. Next, we went to the police station and I was told that the truck driver had worked double shifts any nights in a row and he fell asleep behind the wheel. It turns out that he did not see my car before it was too late. Although, I felt better that I was not the trigger that sent Clare to the afterlife, I was still mad at the world for taking Clare away. Nebula, Jade, Emily, and Ellen felt that it was unhealthy to walk around with such hatred for the world. They were not the only one that felt that way. After a while of dealing with my fixation with Clare’s death, my mother would also get fed up.

 

“Alexis honey, could please come in for a second,” my mother said.

“Yes Mother, I am coming,” I responded.

“Sweetheart, please sit down, she continued. “I know Clare was your best friend but you need to move on with your life. I would love for you to get back to Alexis I use to know”

“Mother, I don’t think I can move on and just forget Clare ever existed. Mom, why did I have to be the one driving,” I said with tears rolling down my cheeks.

“I know baby, but you know Clare would have wanted you to live life to the fullest,” my mother said while hugging me.

 

I would later hear my mother talking with my father that night.

 

“I am really worried about Alexis, my mother said. I afraid she will not be able to move past this,” My mother said.

 

“Honey, this type of things take time,” my father said,

 

“Eric, it has been almost three years since Clare died,” my mother said. We have tried the best psychologists there is and she is still the same way she has been since Clare died.

 

“I know Isabel but you know they were best friend since they were toddlers,” my father reminded my mother. “It is going to take some time and if I am being honest I don’t know what I would have done” my father continued.

 

“I just hate seeing her like this, I wish there was more we could do” My mother said.

 

“I know Bella, I know” my father said while hugging my mother.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------2----------------------------------------------

 

In the middle of remembering what my mother said, I heard a voice calling my name.

 

“Alexis wake up, it is time to take your medicine,” a nurse said.

 

Before returning to the voice that was calling my name, my four friends Alexis, Jada, Emily, and Ellen all said their goodbyes.

 

“Goodbye Alexis,” Emily said.

 

“Bye lexy, find some friends,” Jada said.

 

“Bye-bye Alexis, I hope for your sake you move past this,” Ellen said.

 

“Alexis, do me a favor, let us never meet again,” Nebula said.  ‘

 

“How are you today?” the nurse continued. “Please open up your mouth and take your medicine.

 

“I am fine, thank you,” I managed to respond in my drug induced state. Then, I proceeded to follow the nurse’s instructions.

 

After a month passed, I was released from the mental institution. After this hallucination, I really did feel like I could move on past Clare’s death. It would be exactly one year before I could finally say my final goodbye to Clare Peters. All it took was a visit to the Peter’s resident. After Clare’s death, I could never face Clare’s parents. However, after the hallucination, I finally felt at peace with myself. It is amazing how the brain works. It was time I paid my respects to the peters. Something I was not capable of doing before.

 

“Hello, Ms. Peters” I said.

 

“Hello, Alexis,” she said. “How are you?”

 

 “I actually doing better,” I said.

 

“Yes, I heard you never really accepted my Clare’s death,” she said

.

“Yeah, I always felt that it was my fault that Clare died” I said. “I guess I am finally here to pay my respects” I managed to say. “How are you Ms. Peters?”

 

“Sweetheart, why on earth would you feel that way,” she said. “Didn’t you hear that the truck driver fell asleep behind the wheel?”

 

“umm, yeah. I vaguely remember my parents reading the police reports to me,” I said.

 

“Sweetheart, I know about the drinking and driving but Alexis think of it this way, if that truck would have never have ran into you, you both would have made it home” she said. “Also, I know my Clare, she probably talked you into drinking and driving. I don’t think she fully accepted her parents’ divorce. I always felt that her reckless behavior was a cry for our attention” she said with watery eyes.

 

Before leaving the Peters’ household, I excused my myself to the bathroom. I wanted to see the bedroom that Clare and I spent most of our days playing. It was still the same. I could tell Ms. Peters’ did not change anything since Clare’s death. I guess I was not the only one who couldn’t move past Clare’s death. Ms. Peters just handled the loss in a much better way than I did. Regarding Clare, she never gave any indication that she was struggling with her parent’s divorce.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------3----------------------------------------------

 

After leaving the Peters’ house, I finally went to face Clare in her finally resting place. I was finally able to say my last words and my last goodbyes.

 

“I am sorry for not listening to your struggles. I am sorry for not being there. I did not realize how hard of a time you were having. All the times you were yelling and screaming, I am sorry I took it personally. I am sorry for not hearing your feelings. From my perspective, I thought you were just projecting feelings onto me that were not meant for me. When I opened my mouth to curse your name, I did not realize it would be one of the last things I said to you before our lives changed. Rest in perfect peace C.P. Sincerely, your best friend Alexis Montgomery” I finally said.

 

I will always believe that Clare Peters will forever live on through the memories of those who loved her.