Brave Akira Diaries - Part Two

The Akira Diaries - Part Two


The story so far??


Look, I know this is going to sound odd, but bear with me.
The last few days have been what I can only describe as?.different.
Basically what happened was that I was snatched from the summit of
Everest by an alien called Colin who, after a short conversation and a
nice cup of tea, dropped back to Earth in the middle of late nineteenth
century London. I was immediately arrested for "Looking Strange In A
Public Place"?..


Day Thirteen


So there I was in the famous Bow Street Police
Station?.


I was briefly interviewed by an Inspector Lastrade who
offered me more appropriate clothing for the time - a top hat and black
cloak - and was asked when I had last been in Whitechapel and was I a
surgeon?.?


What are they thinking?


Day Fourteen


So I spent another day in the cells, this time featuring
extensive bruising - and then suddenly, in the late evening, I received
a visitor.


The door opened and an imposing figure stood there. He
introduced himself solemnly and bowed. I couldn't help it, I just fell
about laughing. I couldn't stop, it was the funniest thing I had heard
in days and after all the excitement it was good to get a release of
tension.


"Why do you find my name so funny, sir?" cried the man in
indignation, taking a menacing step towards me?.


"I'm sorry, "I replied, "It's just that I thought you said
your name was Sherlock Holmes"


"Not Sherlock Holmes," he replied, haughtily. "Sherlock
Homes. Mr Holmes is a fictional character, who I think may have been
based on myself."


"My apologies, Mr Homes. What could I have been thinking?" I
was still smaning.


"Anyway, you can talk. What sort of name is Mr
Akira?"


"Now that's an interesting story. It goes back to when I -
"


"No time for that now, "Homes interrupted, "You've got to
come with me. Lives may depend on it!"


With that he turned and dragged me by the arm out of the
cell. I was surprised to see the three constables who were in charge of
the jailhouse had been tied up and locked in another cell.



"Don't worry about them," muttered Homes over his shoulder,
"I've not hurt them"


As if I was worried! After what those?.gentlemen?. had put me
through, I was sorry to see them still breathing.


We raced out into the night and made our way to a grotty
little flat in Beaker Street where Homes insisted on playing his
saxaphone for half an hour before offering me so much as a cup of tea
and a biscuit.


Finally, the doorbell rang, and a scruffy, weasly little man
came into the room.


"Ah Watssen. You made it. What news?"


"I'm sorry, Homes. There was no one there. We'll have to wait
until tomorrow now."


"Curses! That means we'll have to wait until tomorrow now.
Watssen, see if you find a couple of relatively clean sleeping bags.Mr
Akira will be staying here with us."


"Akira?" said Watssen."That's an odd name. Where did you get
that from?"


"Funny you should ask. It's a long story but an interesting
one. You see I -"


"No time for that now, "interrupted Homes, "You need to get
some sleep. We've got a long day tomorrow by all
accounts."


I looked around at the filthy room, at the two clearly mad
people and at my flea-ridden sleeping bag and began to miss my nice
warm cell?..


Ah well, tomorrow could only be an
improvement?.


Day Fifteen


I was woken by Mr Watssen handing me a hot cup of?.something.
Calling it coffee would be an insult to the people of Brazil.



"Um?No thank you, sir. I only drink tea in the
morning."


"That is tea?"


"Ah." I had to drink it.


"Come along, gentlemen," cried Homes from the next room (the
toilet, I believe), "There's no time for chit-chat. We must be
off"


"Like the tea," I muttered to myself.


Before I knew it, we were out in the street and Homes was
hailing a cab. It was probably the smartest cab I'd ever seen; sleek
lines, lovely paintwork, shining wheels. That's a hansome cab, I
thought to myself?.


"Whitechapel, cabbie, and don't spare the horses!" cried our
indomitable leader.


"Sorry, mate. I don't go south of the river."


"It's not south of the river, my man," sighed Homes. "It's
about two miles east of here."


"Two miles? Oooh, that'll cost you. D'you know how dangerous
that area is at this time of night?"


"It's ten in the morning."


Why was the cabdriver so unwilling to take us to Whitechapel?
Watssen explained to me that everyone was afraid to go there.



"They do say as how there be vampires abroad up at the castle
nowadays," explained the raving loon.


Would I never find out what was going on??..


Day Sixteen


We finally reached Buck's Row in Whitechapel and I knew we
were in the right place immediately?There was a crowd crowding
crowdingly around something on the pavement. They were an odd
assortment of people?.sightseers, policemen, street traders, ladies of
the night, Bugs Bunny, passing pickpockets -wha?--BUGS
BUNNY???


I rubbed my eyes in amazement, closed them, opened them,
blinked twice, winked with one and then the other and looked again -
but Bugs was still there!


"Bless me, old man," ejaculated Homes. "What on earth is the
matter. You look as if you've seen a cartoon character or
something."


I turned to answer and found myself facing a six foot
crocodile standing on its hind feet and wearing a deerstalker
hat.


"You've gone quite pale," said a worried-looking orc standing
on my other side.


This was all too much. My brain shut down and everything went
black as I passed out?..


?..coming round after what seemed to be only a few seconds to
find myself strapped to a metal table in a large shiny
room.


"You didn't think I was going to let you go that easily, did
you?" said Colin the Alien. "I just thought it might be fun to mess
with your head for a while. You never left the spaceship at all!
Hahahahahahahaha"


Bugger?..


Day Seventeen


?.But then I thought about it for a while?.


"What are you doing?" asked Colin


"Shh, I'm thinking about it for a while"


"Thinking about what?"


"Thinking about how you appeared to put me into an exciting
situation that seemed very real. So real that I didn't realise I was
still in a spaceship hovering over Mount Everest belonging to yeti-like
aliens. So real that for three days I thought I was in 19th century
London"


(Everyone up to speed now?)


"So what about it?"


"So?I was just thinking?"


"Yes?"


"Wouldn't that be a great way of keeping this diary from
getting boring?.You could send me anywhere in time or space! I wouldn't
even need to leave this shiny table. This could keep me in stories for
months! Imagine it?..I could take a beautiful young lady assistant with
me?Possibly a small animal robot could help us. We could travel in a
police box - "


"Woah," cried Colin, panic in his voice, "Copyright!
Copyright! I think some of that has already been done (and by better
than you)."


"Well, okay," I admitted, "Maybe I was going a bit far. But
can I at least have the beautiful young assistant?"


"I don't see why not. Shall we start?"


"No time like the present." I was getting strangely excited
at the prospect of another adventure, maybe better plotted this time,
now that I knew what was going on.


"Where and when do you want to go?" asked Colin, fiddling
with knobs and pulling levers on something that looked not unlike an
espresso machine.


"I don't know?.Surprise me."


"Right young man. Make yourself comfortable. And here's a
nice espresso before you go."


Suddenly, before I knew it, I was standing in the House of
Commons with an angry man facing me across the dispatch box, pointing
an angry finger at me and shouting, "How does the Prime Minister intend
to answer that?"


Oh?..bugger?.


Day Eighteen


Luckily the House was nearly empty at that moment and we
appeared, according to the notes in front of me, to be debating a
government motion to have copies of Viz and The Onion available in the
Palace Of Westminster library at all times. Luckily this was a subject
about which I had some knowledge. (Viz Magazine, not the library of the
P of W). Luckily I thought of a cunning plan to get me out of this
sticky situation. Hopefully, if luck was with me?.


"I'm sorry. Could the honourable member please repeat his
question? I was momentarily distracted by that naked young lady in the
Strangers' Gallery."


As all three of the MPs who were awake turned to look where I
was pointing, I took advantage of the distraction to rush out of the
House?.and into the arms of a beautiful lady who was waiting there for
me.


"Ah?There you are Aki, my love. How did the debate
go?"


"Oh?the same as usual."


"So you used the 'naked lady in Strangers' Gallery' ploy
again? It always works, doesn't it?
But there's no time for that now. We've got things to do. I think the
PM may be suspecting something. And your wife has been asking questions
again. And that Iraqi thing looks like causing trouble. And your son
has been arrested for dealing drugs. And there's an author who's
threatening to sue you over plagiarism in your last novel. And I think
your stalker is going to turn violent again. And I'm going back to my
husband. And the Inland Revenue called again??"





How will our intrepid hero escape from this latest
cliff-hanger situation? Who is this beautiful young woman? Have I
written myself into an impossible corner this time? Is there a real
writer in the house?