Definitely The Akira Diaries - Part Four

So, where were we? Quickly now, lots to get through....Evil
genius......English spy....beautiful assistant.....tied-up
heroes.....evil genius explaining plan.....bad guys on Mars....okay,
now read on....

Day Twenty-Three

Blohard was still speaking.....

....During the months that my stalwart team of astronauts have been on
Mars they have not been idle. In the dark shadow of a large Martian
mountain (which I have named Mount Blohard) - which is totally screened
from any Nasa cameras - they have constructed a series of evil
biodomes, an evil laboratory, some fairly evil living quarters and a
club &;amp; bar that isn't at all evil, but is in fact based on an
Irish theme pub that used to frequent.

Now, at last, they are ready for action and have activated Stage One of
my fiendish plan, a plan that I have named....Operation Overthrow Of
Powerful States (or 'OOOPS' for short). But first I needed to take over
MI5 to use as a centre of operations (My HQ is being redecorated you
understand) so that I had access to the equipment necessary to control
my operations from this, Earth's Most Sophisticated Space Agency. - And
you thought that this building was just a back drop for James Bond
films and the Spooks series! Hahahahahaha!.........sorry.

You may not realise it, but it is no coincidence that both the European
and American missions have been sent to Mars at the same time. Believe
it or not, there is a race between them to find something far more
valuable than water there. (Hah! Does anyone really believe that's what
they are looking for?) No....I have discovered through my network of
spies that they are looking for something far more interesting. Somehow
they have discovered that there is an incredibly powerful weapon hidden
under the red planet's surface, a weapon left behind by an ancient race
of people who died out many centuries ago. This civilisation was so
highly developed that it finally reached a level of sophistication
which could only result in a complete and utter world war. When they
had finished destroying themselves all that was left were their
fiendish WMDs (Weapons of Mars Destruction).

I have so far managed to neutralise the European 'Beagle' craft and
soon I shall send my men out to capture the American vehicles. But for
now, I shall bide my time, waiting for the Americans to do all the hard
work and then - pow! - like a critic at a Pop Idol gig, I shall
pounce!

Unfortunately, now you know all my plans, Akira, I obviously I cannot
allow you to live a moment longer. Prepare yourself for a (for you)
painful and (for me) entertaining death......

Day Twenty-Four

.....And that is all he said.

I would like to be able to tell you that one of Blohard's goons then
untied me as two others held me down and then, pulling me to my feet,
proceeded to escorted myself and my trusty assistant, Meghan, out of
the room in a calm and dignified manner, as we realised that our
inevitable doom would be a selfless sacrifice for the good of all
mankind.

But instead I broke down screaming, pleading and wetting myself in a
rather unseemly manner (not that you can wet yourself in a seemly
manner).

"I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Think of something, you
silly bitch. Get us out of here....Please let me go, Blohard. Please,
please, pleeeeaaaaase. I'll be your friend....I'll tell you everything
I know about the Prime Minister's secret files.....Take her, not
me.....I won't tell anyone what you're planning......" I continued to
babble incoherently and foolishly for a few more minutes in this
vien.

"Take that weak, incoherently babbling fool out of my sight!" sneered
Blohard. And then his expression changed. "No, wait! What did you say?
What PM's secret files?"

Aha! My cunning plan appeared to be working....

"Bring them back here. I want to hear more about this......."

Day Twenty-Five

"So you want to hear more about the Prime Minister's Secret Files, the
existance of which I have revealed to stop you having me and my
assistant tortured and then klled before you carry out your plan to
find ancient WMD under the Martian surface."

"That's about the size of it. But please stop talking as if this is
just the transcript of an diary that has a readership of two people,
both of whom have an attention span of a goldfish, forcing you to
repeat the main plot developments every five minutes in an incredibly
distracting manner. Now, passing swiftly on, what secret information do
you wish to impart?"

I needed to think quickly. Obviously there were no secret files, I had
only said that to stall for time. I looked at Meghan who was trying to
tell me something serrup...cerup...seruptiscio....without anyone
noticing. Unfortunately she was bound and gagged and could only gesture
with her eyes towards M's desk, behind which Blohard was still sitting.
Of course! The alarm button under the edge of the desk pretty close to
my foot which, if pressed, would automatically eject Bolhard out the
window, then fill the room with poison gas and drop us through the
floor into a chute which would then carry us to safety and an escape
boat on the Thames.

No, that was too easy....

Day Twenty-Six

.....Or was it?

I hit the button with my knee and everything went crazy. There were
sirens, flashing lights, the room was filled with thick, noxious smoke,
Blohard was thrown from his chair towards the open window....and Meghan
and I disappeared through the floor. After what seemed like only a
second, but was in fact probably more like three, we found ourselves
breathing fresh air again and plummeting towards a small inflated lilo
tied to the river bank.

"After you, my dear," I cried, as we hit the cold, wet water.

I helped her scrabble onto the lilo and I proceeded to push her as I
swam along behind.

"My hero!" simpered Meghan.

"It's nothing. All part of the service"

As it happened, it was only a couple of yards to our pedallo, so I was
soon out of the water and we were pedalling furiously back to the H of
P. Suddenly we heard a high-pitched squealing coming from above,
getting louder and louder and then a tattered, blackened and smoking
Blohard crashed onto our pedallo.

"Aha, Mr A. Just when you thought you had escaped my
clutches...."

Day Twenty-Seven

"Oh, be quiet, Blohard." I looked at him laying across the bow of our
little boat. His trousers had come off in the fall and smoke was coming
from his hair. (Why did he insist on wearing that ridiculous orange
wig?) He appeared to have a broken arm and had lost his glasses - he
always carried a pint of Guinness in each hand. It was clear who was in
charge now.

"Meghan, handcuff our friend."

"Which friend? Handcuff? What to?"

Sometimes I think my beautiful young assistant isn't the sharpest card
in the flock....

"Just attach Blohard to the front of the pedallo somehow." Not that it
mattered...we were just pulling in to the Houses Of Parliament dock
where half a dozen policemen and Inspector Newscotland of the Yard was
waiting.

"Well done, Sir Akira! You've captured the bounder!" boomed the
inspector, as his men dragged the bedraggled braggard to dry land.
"Another case solved by our most brilliant undercover
secret-agent-come-member-of-parliament!"

"Thank you, inspector. Unfortunately that isn't the end of the story.
You see, I wasn't able to stop Blohard before he put his fiendish plan
into operation. At this moment, on the surface of Mars, his minions are
preparing to attack and destroy the Nasa Exploration rover vehicles,
Spirit and Opportunity before they can complete their secret mission to
uncover the Martian WMDs."

"God God, man!" expostulated the brave policeman. "Is there anything
you can do to stop such a catastrophe?"

"Funny you mention that." I smiled confidently and, raising my head
skyward, I cupped my hands around my mouth and called out, "Colin! I
little help here, please!"

Before I knew it, I was back in the Jupitan's spaceship......

Day Twent-Eight

"Hello, Colin! Long time no see!"

The Jupitan looked down at me. (Did I tell you he was 8 feet tall?
Didn't I? Are you sure? I thought I did)

"You've been gone twenty minutes."

"Twenty minutes? But I'm up to..." I looked back up the page. "....Day
Twenty-Eight!"

"Oh, that's just a literary device you thought up to make it look like
every day ends on a cliff-hanger. You could just as well use chapters
instead of days but then you'd have to call it "The Akira Book" instead
of "The Akira Diaries" which isn't anywhere near as snappy. Understand?
Right, now back to the plot. You want me to send you and your beautiful
assistant to Mars to find WMDs before Blohard's minions?"

"Um.."

Before I knew it (again) Meghan and I were standing on a plain of red
sand with red mountains in the distance under a blood red sky.

"Where are we?" cried Meghan.

"Three clues, kid....Sand, mountains, sky. All red."

"Ayer's Rock?"

Lovely girl, but geography obviously wasn't her strong point.

"The thing is, I doubt if space suits are de riguer at Ayer's Rock (as
far as I know) No, my dear, in fact we are approximately 40 million
miles from Australia."

"Um...are we in Dawlish?"

Luckily a noise behind us changed the subject and, spinning round, I
was just in time to see a small green person fly through the air and
hit a rather nastliy hard looking rock.

Ah, the natives appear to be restless today, I thought....

Day twenty-nine

Looking over in the direction the small green person had come from, I
saw something not unlike a pub brawl going on. There was an assortment
of participants - some in space suits, some in what looked like loin
cloths and some in extravagantly-coloured uniforms - indulging in an
unseemly brawl. It was impossible to call it a "battle" or even a
"fight", it seemed that most of those involved were either jumping up
and down on each other or trying to grapple each other to the ground so
that they could then start to jump up and down on each other. And it
was all being done very badly. It was embarrassing to watch.

But I really needed to know what was going on....

Off to one side were a couple of Blohard's lieutenants watching the
proceedings. I knew this because they both had "lieutant" written on
their breast pockets and "I'm with Blohard" and "Go Blohard Go" on
their backs. I walked warily over towards them after gesturing for
Meghan to wait behind the protective rocky outcrop. Luckily they hadn't
noticed me - until Meghan's voice blasted in earpiece of my spacesuit's
helmet, "Do you want me to wait behind the protective rocky outcrop,
boss?"

Unfortunately it seemed that Blohard's boys were on the same radio
frequency...They spun around and saw me trying to look nonchalant by
leaning on a convenient sofa, whistling tunelessly and reading a paper
I had just picked up. If I'd only held the paper up the right way I
might have got away with it.

Just a minute....sofa? newspaper? and over there a table and chairs
and, if I wasn't very much mistaken, a tv set. Oh, I was mistaken, it
was a computer....Still, what was all this doing on the surface of
Mars? Suddenly I realised that we were no longer on the surface; a vast
area of earth was sinking down under the ground, like a huge lift,
taking with it all the brawlers, the Blohard lads, the furniture and
myself.

What dastardly turn was this strange story taking now?

Day thirty

We found ourselves sinking beneath the surface of the....surface. Down
and down we went. The red walls seemed never ending. The machinery
taking us down clattered and shook the platform we were on....And the
scuffling never stopped. All the scufflers seemed blissfully unaware of
what was going on around them.

Finally we came a crashing stop and found ourselves facing a gigantic
cavern full of machinery plus more sofas, the odd standard lamp and the
occasional occasional table. A welcoming committee seemed to be waiting
for us. There was a group of several of the small green men - could
these be Martians???(duh) - standing around looking suitably
embarrassed at the brawling heap. As the heap slowly realised what was
going on around them, they slowly untangled themselves and stood up,
shuffling their feet nervously and grinning stupidly. The two Blohard
lieutenants stood to one side, trying to make out they didn't know
anyone else in the room. I just settled down on the sofa to watch the
fun.

The tallest of the Martians stepped forward and spoke in a loud,
booming voice, "Thtop mething about, you thilly people."

This should be interesting....

(But not interesting enough to tell you now.....I'm afraid you'll have
to wait for the nextht ethiting epithode.....).