await

i was riding passenger in my mum's van today,
and looking out the window. my brother's blabbed
about some ridiculous notion, and i ignored them
because i wasn't there. my mum had a good birthday,
an even nicer birthday dinner. if only
i could have been there.

while i was looking out the window,
i noticed a cloud off in the distance.
it had holes in it where sunlight pierced
through. i thought of it as me, as you -
if you shot holes into my body, i would
be able to hold the sunlight, too.
that's your first clue.

the world is nice
when i am inside the shower,
the darkness illuminated by a candle on the sink.
with my glasses off, it is blurry, a mosaic
that couldn't have gotten more perfected.

it feels safe.
my anxiety disappears
and i smile to myself
and think of it as a safe haven.

it goes away when the candle goes out,
when i turn on the light and see, still,
my reflection. my skin is red, as if scolding
me for letting the shower scald me.

when i was driving home,
i turned the music up all the way
and rolled down the windows. it was hot,
or i was dead, or i wanted to remind myself
i was still there. and, even with all of
the gust, i still felt
stuck.

i await the day
sunlight pierces my rib cage
and lets me hold something
that won't burn out.