Breaking news

Breaking news: 
In an historic deal, that will make history; Guildors, the man who gave us the means to buy our own pensions, has made an historic deal, which will make history. 
Yes, in a busy summit meeting in China, Guildors has pledged to allow half the Chinese nation into the UK, for nothing, on a fact finding mission with Bolsoi hair care products.

"I believe, that the United Kingdom can now say hello to china" He said while snorting a line of cocaine, given to him by a geisha girl just a moment ago. "In fact,we pledge that the united kingdom is to become Chinese and adopt their astute business principles. Why? because we have no principles of our own; we only borrowed them from a dead woman from the 1980's. 
The PR man, Cameron also sounded very pleased.
"yes." he began "I am very pleased that Guildors has managed to help us get out of the huge debt we have made for ourselves since we came to office." He said, in his Best of British speech voices, he keeps in a jar, by the side of is bed." In fact, with this turn over of Chinese students, we pledge, in return, to send most of our disabled and part time British workers over to china to see how its done. Thus ending the the pensions crisis, and the welfare problem in one easy stroke."
Iane Duncan Smith, when asked about this new initiative, called the "new, yes it really is new this time initiative" seemed very annoyed. 
"Well of course I'm pissed off!" he spat over a double Gin and tonic, given to him by his wife Belinda Horse face the first. "That prat Guilders... goes off to fucking China. what a useless prat he is! everybody here hates the fucking wimp. When someone said "almost as much as you then." Mr. Smith shot the man in the head. 

Meanwhile many people in the UK, think that Guildors trip to China was to hide the fact that for five years in the 1990's he had spent his time as a Pimp earning Money for Boris Johnson. 
The PR representative, became very animated at this point. "I would like to point out at no time in the past or in the present... has my mate...Guildors... taken any money for prostitution....Everyone I know thinks that Guildors is a terrific chap, as he gets rogered by most of us at Chequers at the weekend for nothing." 
when asked whether this decision to accept Chinese money to pay the UK debt would mean adopting communism, the PR man was adamant. "They haven't been communist for years!" he began. "I thought you knew, we've been infiltrating them with ideas about business through language schools for years. Mr Peter o Greedy the deputy director of the Walls Street school for languages, declined to comment as he feared that he might get shot. 
In other news: the price of a loaf of bread has risen to £15.10p. when asked about it, no one in the government knew what this reporter was talking about. 
More to follow