Yawning

Ho-Hum by J.B. Pravda

Researchers at the Institute for Really Advanced Political Studies had
been retained by the national parties to, once and for all, divine the
precise biological mechanism behind yawning, reasoning that, if found
and countered, voter attention and turnout would be significantly
enhanced. Dr. Hugo van Arcanus was brought in to consult due to his
stunning work on subliminal messaging developed in the last days of the
Third Reich and, later, for all major media outlets anxious to become
schooled in mind control of non-Master Race audiences, America being
the ideal mass market; indeed, Dr. Arcanus, in a burst of great
enthusiasm even at the ripe age of 85, waived his fees, offering that
he considered that audience profile to be a serious challenge, simply
curmudgeonly observing "Vat is there to control, yah?" After a year of
diligent study, their report was rendered with an elegantly simple
recommendation: 'Yawning, as anyone knows who has ever been around a
person or persons doing it, is contagious and, in fact, good for the
mind and body, replenishing depleted oxygen to the brain and other
vital organs; consequently, longer speeches with redundantly simplistic
messages will actually increase the overall health of the body
politic.' Dr. Arcanus, the report's principal author, in a
little-noticed, albeit simplistic, set of redundant footnotes
throughout the report declared himself President for Life
retroactively&;#8230;..