Zeroes, Hell is for

Hell is for Zeros by J.B. Pravda
Englehardt the Brave had led his men well to many a conquest so that,
when there appeared to be no more kingdoms left to plunder, he called a
council of his finest field commanders to decide upon where to
establish their kingdom, having lived as nomads for as long as they
could remember. After weighing the advantages of one place over
another, they had made little progress; having sufficient wisdom to
recognize that he and his men lacked wisdom, they summoned a learned
wise man from the land of Nezfertilia, whose life they had spared,
dazzled by his apparent erudition and great wise observations in
several languages. Wizened from service to too many fickle masters, he
warily approached the assembled warrior kings; "Tell, us, oh great wise
one, where should we go to make our home, weary of battle that we be?"
Surveying their faces, smeared with the blood of babes and their
mothers and fathers, sweat and the very soil of their brutally
conquered, he saw the absence of tears--------making a gesture which
was foreign to them, more evidence, they deduced of his great learning,
he thrust his quaking left arm toward them, slapping his right hand,
palm down at the left elbow, and barely whispered: "You must go to
Hell!" Screwing up his face with bewilderment, Englehardt queried
further of the wise one: "But where is this place, we have never heard
of it?" The old one wisely replied: "But, great one, your kingdom will
be thus the greatest of all time, as wherever you are there it shall be
Hell." The illiterate schmucks, to a 'man', cheered the wise man, and
appointed him Court Wizard; later that night, armed with his new
status, and the wizard's cap and cloak they had purloined from the land
of the Saxons, he, now restored to his original status and garments,
promptly conjured them all to Hell, collected their considerable wealth
from plunder, caught the next train [hey, this guy is a wizard] to
England where he founded a publishing house, after inventing printing,
and managed to inspire J.K. Growling to conjure his rebirth as Harry
Blotter, a failed children's hero.