Into the Pandaemonium

Into the Pandaemonium

It had been a strange week. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it
was that was out of kilter, just as I seemed to be getting near to it,
craziness of some kind would take me to some other mental space. Then
I'd remember that I had forgetten that I was following a certain train
of thought and would have to start again. I took heart from the fact
that it seemed to be the same all round. And some people were having a
much harder time than I was. Nonetheless, by Friday, I was living in a
state of total confusion and edginess. My usually clear intuition was
dazed and feeling twisted and turned in all directions simultaneously.
I was feeling stressed and invaded. Nothing I had tried, (tantra,
meditation, divination, room clearing, detox) had yielded any coherent
information let alone any useful answers. I decided that this was a
week when washing clothes was probably the most useful thing to do, so
I went to put a load into the washing machine. Should have known better
I suppose.

The laundry room was awash with soap suds and water. The washing
machine was having an explosive day again. Jeez! I rang the maintenance
number and decided to handwash in the bath. I turned the taps on and at
least the water seemed to be hot. Dumping a load of whites into the tub
I watched the clothes getting dark and heavy with the water they were
absorbing. Gradually sinking to the bottom of the bath, disappearing
through the foam of washing powder on the surface. I swirled the water
with a wooden spoon. Water is so calming I thought idly and began to
squeeze a t-shirt into submission. This was proving to be strangely
therapeutic and whilst being immersed in the monotonous work of
pummelling and squeezing washing I felt like I had nearly grasped what
lay at the bottom of the week's strange glitches.

The door bell rang shrilly. It was the washing machine repair man. He
looked at me strangely when I opened the door. As I led him to the wash
room I had a quick glance in the mirror to make sure that yes I had
managed to get dressed and wasn't really looking that eccentric.
Slightly ethnic maybe, but surely I shouldn't stand out too much in
London where everyone was either a suit or somewhat bohemian. Even some
suits were bohemian in their spare time.

He looked at the swimming pool that used to be the laundry room and
then again at me disapprovingly. I tried to explain that I had tried to
clear it up but the washing machine was stuck on full cycle and it just
kept pouring out more stuff and &;#8230;
He just looked more disapproving so I gave up and went back to my hand
washing. I was just getting back into pummelling gnosis when my
flatmate appeared.

"Oh hi Keith."

"I keep thinking about non-Euclidean space," he said. "Is it all it's
cracked up to be, do you think?" Our cat Magic appeared seemingly
through the open window at this point. As we were on the second floor I
had never quite managed to figure out how he did that.

Well I knew better to answer a question like that on a day like this.
"Urhhh!" I said neutrally but with a slightly 'oh that's interesting'
tone to it. Magic meowed for attention and began to prowl on the window
sill.

"That's what I thought," he replied. "What are you up to anyway?"

"I'm having to do a handwash, the washing machine has exploded again.
The guy has just turned up to fix it."

He looked at his watch. "Yeah, it's about time for a washing machine
disaster." He turned his arm so that I could see the face of his watch.
I saw that the case was half filled with soap suds and above it was
inscribed in bubbly writing: "washing machine disaster now underway.
Please call repair man as soon as possible."

Magic fed up of waiting for us to notice him deigned at that moment to
make a mighty leap onto my shoulder from the window sill, a move which
would have been one of extreme grace and dexterity if he had only given
full consideration to a large spider plant between him and his target
destination. End result was a bath full of soap, washing , spider
plant, broken plant pot and earth and for a short time, very pissed off
shrieking cat.

"Yep," I said looking at the God awful mess. "That would be about
right."

"Listen beautiful, fancy a drink and a game of pool, I've done enough
thinking today and you are going to end up looking like an eastern
European muscle girl if you don't tear yourself away from all that
washing. It obviously isn't the sort of day where any kind of
constructive activity is going to work.

For once I had to wholeheartedly agree.

Maybe I really was paranoid but people seemed shy away from me in the
pub or to cast me disapproving looks. I lost two games of pool and
after I potted the white ball for the eighth time (off a very unlucky
double kiss) the damn thing got stuck inside the table and no amount of
coaxing would get it out. I probably drank too much because the funny
attitude that I was getting from people was making me feel
uncomfortable. The juke box decided to stop working after I put my
money into it and the barrel ran out when it was my turn to go to the
bar. This was more than coincidence, of that I was now convinced.

In a state of semi-consciousness after 6 pints of Guiness and a couple
of very funny cigarettes with Keith in the beer garden we turned
homeward. By this time we were holding onto each other as everything
seemed so funny. We found a builder's arch in a nearby site and played
all the world's a stage on it.

Having fallen over in a drunken sodden heap off the side of the stage,
we eventually stopped laughing and started kissing.

"How come you are the only person who still likes me?" I asked
Keith.

"Hey, I don't like you baby, I only want you for your body," said Keith
trying to get his hand inside my top.

"Huh," I said. "You wouldn't even know what to do with my body, even if
you could manage to get your slippery hands on it." I dug my elbow hard
into his ribs.

"Urgh!" said Keith, meaningfully. He sat up releasing me. "I think I'm
going to be sick."

"You're lucky I didn't break your ribs," I said giving him a big kiss
on the cheek. "Let's not spoil a beautiful relationship with
sex."

"Okay, but only if you fling me over your shoulder and carry me
home."

"Okay then, up," I clicked my fingers and stared at him hard.

Ken sprang to his feet. "Come here then," I clicked my fingers again
and pointed home. He got there before me. I could do that to him when
he was drunk. I knew he wouldn't remember it in the morning.

oOo

From the weird slow motion space where time stretches between sleep and
waking, I thought I felt its hands upon me, choking me. Its hands
around my throat. I forced myself to breathe, to believe that I could
as if nothing was there and then to the sound of loud warning bells,
suddenly nothing was there!

"Swish with Kali's scythe, off with their demon heads," I thought to
myself, half realising the dream sense of it all. I pondered. Lost. I
seemed to be floating or more like streaming. Much as I imagined data
doing as the modem screams at the server whilst connecting to the www.
Where was my body? I appeared to have lost track of it. Had it faded
away? But no, now I was sure that my legs felt rubbery. I was finding
it difficult to stand up. Luckily I now appeared to be suspended on a
cloud as a cartoon angel and looking up, it seemed that a piano was
falling on my head.

It was then that I realised that I had flipped into cartoon reality, to
avoid (it was now becoming clear) the rather scary sight of a huge
demon sitting on my chest with it's hairy hands around my throat.

"Deahrebbur," I commanded quickly now that I had regained my wits. The
piano bounced off my head and landed neatly in the corner of the room
below me. It's cartoon face took on a look of contentment as it setteed
itself in. The Feng Shui of the placement looked pretty good too. I
looked down from my cloud. "Well," I thought, "better a falling piano
in Cartoonland than a fully manifested demon with it's hands round you
throat."

I became aware that it was now my room that I was looking at. Shit, the
demon was still there, I could just catch some of it's outlying energy
patterns, shimmering like heat haze, glimpses of half formed features
and the feeling of presence of course, that was always a primary
indicator. It looked as if it had gone and sat down in the corner, to
sulk probably, unable to follow it's prey. Demons are generally not
funny enough to get into cartoon reality. It's got standards to uphold.
So he had been translated into a falling piano when energy exchange had
occurred. Demons had about a 73\% chance of being translated into
falling pianos in my experience. I'd often wondered about that. I'd
learnt the sound spell from a Guede spirit, in return for a bottle of
good rum and it was worth every drop. So simple, I couldn't understand
why I didn't think of it myself. I'd already been hit be a few pianos
by this stage. It's not like in real life, you don't die, it doesn't
really hurt, but you reel around with your tongue sticking out and
stars around your head for quite a while which is a bit disorientating
and definitely uncool.

Much better with the spell, your head just turns to rubber and the
piano bounces off. I'd been getting quite artistic with sofa placement
too.

I looked down from my cloud again. The shimmering patterns had settled
down, but the sense of presence was still there. Should I ask it what
it wants? No, not a good idea. A message from cartoon reality would
sound like snap, crackle and pop in the real world. And the rude
bastard would probably eat the messenger. Anyway, it was pretty obvious
what it wanted. It wanted to throttle me for a start. This was
definitely an unfriendly manifestation.

Who sent it? - more importantly. A quick mental check revealed that I'd
pissed off so many people since the beginning of the year that it could
be anyone really. How to get rid of it? Ah, now we were getting
somewhere.

I was glad I had set my alarm. Habit had saved me just as I passed out
from drunken excess. The alarm was set to trigger energy exchange and
transport me into Cartoonland in the case of certain eventualities,
like demons turning up.

"Might as well enjoy the scenery whilst I'm here," I thought, spotting
Pokemons in the distance. "I'll go and find Alice in Storyland. See if
she'll let me borrow her mirror."

OOo

Earlier that day, I had been talking to my flatmate Michaela. Lovely
girl, but hung out with some awful men. She'd just discovered that one
of her male friends had been spiking her drink when he came to visit so
that he could sleep with her.

"I knew it was a mistake, as soon as I slept with him and I wondered
why I did it. And then when Mohammed told me about it, it all started
to fit together. Martin would always come round with a bottle of vodka.
I'd supply the coke, we'd have a few and then I'd start to feel dizzy
and sometimes I'd start to shake and be sick. I thought my epilepsy was
getting worse. And the next minute he'd be on top of me, squirming
around and I would feel strange and kind of detached. God and I'd still
be feeling sick. We'd have sex then. I can't believe he'd do that to
me."

I could feel the deep pain and anger that was inside. I felt sick
myself. Bloody scumbag. I'd curse his goddamned ass. Michaela was
shaking as she told me how he violated her and then made her think she
had led him on. She was in shock I could see. The knowledge of what had
happened now fully with her and even harder to digest than the action
in the past.

I summoned Agwe's assistance. The master of the sea and the healer of
all poor Erzulie children. After soothing talk and tucking her up in
bed. I was just gently pushing her out on Agwe's boat when I became
aware of a sharp pain in my jaw. My hand went up to my cheek. Micheala
seemed to feel it too, I'd got so deeply into rapport with her. "That
pain again," she said.

"Yeah, it's been happening for a while," I said. "Do you know
why?"

"Maybe someone had a Voodoo doll somewhere," she replied evenly. "Could
that be it?"

"Most probably," I said. "But you don't have to worry about that now.
You've got to take care of yourself." With that I pushed the boat from
the shore and watched her drift gently away into a sleepy sunset.

"Agwe will take care of you, little one." I said. "And your dreams
tonight will be gentle and calm. And the lapping of the waves against
the boat will soothe you and rock you into a slumberous sleep and in
that sleep you will experience deep and lasting healing."

As I watched her poor face gradually lose its tense and anxious
expression as she drifted into a peaceful sleep, I thought about what
she had said about the pain in my jaw. I'd always thought that Micheala
was a latent psychic, so I took her comments seriously.

oOo

Alice lives in Penthouse 23. I sat in the communal kitchen. Alice was
sprawled in a comfy armchair. She looked as if she had partied all
night.

She greeted me with an "Urghh".

"Tough night Alice?"

"Ungh ha!" she replied, passing me a joint. I toked. "Nice weed," I
commented.

"Yeah," she managed. She passed me some vitamins.

"Yeast Vite - cheers." I took two. " Uh, Alice you don't much look up
for company and I don't want to keep you from your bed, so I was
wondering, could I borrow your mirror for a while, small problem with a
demon."

"Sur, go head," she slurred and slipped gracefully into a deep
sleep.

After covering her with a brightly coloured blanket and laying out the
ashtray, lighter and joint all within easy reach, I went to the bedroom
to activate the mirror.

I looked through the looking glass into my bedroom. There was no trace
of the demon, but that didn't mean he wasn't there. And now I was armed
with sophisticated machinery.

"Smell vision please," I commanded. The mirror shifted and there was an
overwhelming stench of bad breath. It was still there. Funny how all
demons and exclusively left hand path magicians had bad breath.

Well at least I could communicate with the bugger now.

"Sound and smell only," I instructed the mirror. "Sound, my voice, loud
and booming, aka Wizard of Oz effect, smell, frankincense, oh and stick
in a rousing Gloria in the background. That'll piss him off."

The mirror readjusted itself. Pleasant clouds of incense began to
billow into my room accompanied by the celestial sound of a 1,000
voices singing the Gloria.

The bugger soon revealed himself.

"High John, please mirror," I said.

"I command you to reveal your shape," I boomed.

The demon started to moan.

"Reveal yourself properly or it's Asafoetida for you."

It revealed itself. It was a huge violet ape.

"Red triangle around that ape, mirror," I cried. Now he was bound I
could see him more clearly. "It's the Ape of the Ape of Thoth," I
thought. That meant infinite regress. He was a tricky bastard to get
rid of. Not only that but if he was around it probably meant that all
my recent plans were misguided or downright sabotaged. I would have to
start everything again.

"Christ, Voodoo dolls and demons all in one day." I thought. Then it
struck me that all of this was quite handy. All I had to do was to
redirect the Ape of the Ape of Thoth towards the Voodoo Doll
perpetrator and I might get some peace and quiet for a change.

"Who sent you, Ape of the Ape of Thoth?"

The beast pricked up it's ears.

"I am betwixt and between
It could be heaven or hell.
Divine Beast of Thoth
Cannot be commanded.
Even by one as comely as thou."

"Cut the bullshit," I snapped and performed another full banishing.
"Asafoetida, mirror," I commanded. "Just a touch." It was like torment
to demons which is really what the Ape of the Ape of Thoth is: a word
demon.

The Asafoetida began to drift towards the monkey. It backed off.

"Now, now, my love, this is not very friendly."

"And you are not very co-operative. Who sent you?"

"I cannot say."

"And I cannot let you go until you do say. More Asafoetida. Lots more."
Soon I had the whole damned room filled with Asafoetida. He still
wouldn't tell.

"My lips are sealed by one more powerful than you, my pretty one. A
circle and a star. Purple and silver was all that I could see as I was
summoned. The true identity of the caller was never revealed to
me."

"Then what were your orders?"

"To keep you busy with your own perpetually self-generated
worries."

Well that was about right. I was fed up with the Ape of the Ape of
Thoth. How dare someone send me third generation demonic nonsense
demons. I had considered that it was entirely possible that I had
invoked him upon myself, so chaotic had my life been recently. But
purple and silver. Sounded like sex magic. Always a powerful force.
Interesting. I had the feeling that it was a man. Anyway here the Ape
of the Ape was. Shame to waste such subtle summoning. I'd redirect the
Ape of the Ape to the source of the Voodoo Doll. The only trouble was
that I had no pathway to them except via the pain. Oh well a pain
gnosis then.

It took about an hour to prepare the Ape of the Ape of Thoth to carry
out my wishes. Then it was time to create the link between him and the
Voodoo doll practitioner. I re-invoked the sensation of pain in my jaw,
let it through, lowering my barriers of protection.

"Go and fulfil your task," I commanded the Ape of the Ape. "Through
pain I connect you with my tormentor. Go there and keep them too busy
with their own problems to bother me again." I gave the beast another
good blast of demon torment and released the triangle, giving it an
exit.

I felt the Ape of the Ape move through me. Many visions came which I
dismissed firmly. The Ape of the Ape of Thoth was known for his
tendency to send people mad. And then, he was gone.

"Good," I thought, "Not a bad day's work."

I went to thank Alice. She had fallen asleep and was snoring loudly so
I left a note. 'READ ME' it said on the outside. Alice often needed
direct instructions, especially after she had partied all night.

The mirror returned me to my room. I went to bed and slept for the next
24 hours.

oOo

At three o'clock the next afternoon I felt a discernable change in my
reality. Things clarified and clicked into place. I stopped feeling
disjointed and like a misfit. People stopped looking at me as if I'd
just been shit by a cow. I knew the Ape of the Ape of Thoth had hit his
mark. I had turned around my luck and at the same time turned the trick
back upon it's sender. Step Back to Repulse Monkey. Nice move. Now I
felt I was due for a holiday. All this stuff scares me stupid
sometimes.

Chapter 2 to follow shortly.