A Difficult Client
By andyhodges
- 428 reads
A Difficult Client
The knock on the door was ominous, at least it might have been if Sid
hadn't just accidentally electrocuted himself and was now wondering how
the hell he had managed to get up and walk towards the front door. When
he opened it all of his questions were answered. "Oh its you" said
Sid.
Death stood there in the doorway not quite sure what to do. Most
people, when confronted with a six foot tall skeleton in a black robe,
holding a scythe, usually have a stronger reaction, like screaming or
fainting, that is, apart from on Halloween, in which case Death usually
received a bag of sweets before he could explain to the unfortunate
victim that although he liked sweets as much as the next apparition, he
was still going to have to take their soul anyway. It was the ultimate
in trick or treating. "Well I suppose you had better come in then"
invited Sid. Death was speechless. Now, its not that he was usually the
life and soul of the party, more the opposite to be precise, but even
so Death was stunned and didn't really know what to say as he followed
Sid into the living room. "Cup of tea?" shouted Sid from the
kitchen.
By the time Sid returned with the tea Death had regained some of his
composure and was nearly back to his menacing self, although the fact
that he was sitting on Sid's pink couch did detract somewhat from this
image. "You do know who I am?" said Death without moving his lips, well
what would have been his lips if he had any. That was one of Death's
favourite tricks although it appeared to have no effect on Sid
whatsoever. "Sure I do, I recognise you from your picture, you're
Death, the Grim Reaper, the Dark Angel, the Bane of mankind. Do you
want me take your scythe and put it with put it in my umbrella
rack?"
It was fair to say that Death was beginning to feel quite
uncomfortable now, was he losing his touch? He thought he'd noticed
something all week with people only being very afraid of him and not
actually terrified. "You do realise what I'm here for?" asked Death,
this time he moved his mouth, he really couldn't be bothered, he just
wanted to get the job done. "Er that's a tough one" smiled Sid "To fix
the washing machine?"
Enough was enough, Death decided it was time to take the hard line
approach. "COME WITH ME" he boomed in a voice that would give vampires
the chills. "Okay" said Sid, "I'll just get me hat".
Sid and Death stood in Death's house which had a mostly black colour
scheme, with black trim. "Its a bit grim isn't it?" commented
Sid.
"Its supposed to be, I am the Grim Reaper"
"Yeah okay, sure, by day but what about when you come home to put your
feet up, you should keep your home life and you're job separate you
know. Now what I'd go for is a bit of peach in the kitche..."
"SILENCE" boomed Death, who was now beginning to feel a little out of
his depth. "It is written that all who are claimed by the Grim Reaper
will have one chance to play for their lives"
"Who wrote that then?"
"What?"
"You said, 'it is written', who wrote it?"
"I don't know, probably God or someone, it really doesn't
matter"
"Oh all right carry on then, I just wondered, you never know it could
come up in a pub quiz or something."
"Right, as I was saying you have the right to play me at the game of
your choice. If you win you can have your life back."
"I don't know if I can be bothered"
"What?!" if Death had been capable of sweating he would have
been.
"Well the way I see it you always win, right?"
"Well it is true that up until now I haven't been beaten" said Death
with a touch of pride in his voice.
"There's no point then is there? If you're just going to win anyway
you may as well send me straight on into the next life, I really can't
be pestered messing about here when I know you're just going to thrash
me at whatever I choose anyway."
"But you have to play me at something, its the rules"
"Who's rules?"
"Well, God's I suppose. I can't send you on into the next life until I
have beaten you"
"Well tough isn't it cos I aint playing" It was a good thing that
Death didn't have any hair because he certainly would've been tearing
it out, he was very close to tears as it was. What had happened to the
world? There was once a time where Death was so popular he had to
employ assistants, Plague, Famine, Pestilence and War and at the end of
a busy day they would all go for a drink together. It was amazing how
many peanuts Plague could fit into his mouth all at the same time, and
some of the stories that War came out with... and now what? His old
drinking pals only employed on a part-time basis thanks to science, and
cheeky little mortals like the one stood before him now, showing no
respect whatsoever. "Look" said Death "I'm not qualified to deal with
this situation so if you would just select a game to play..."
"Well I want to see someone who is qualified"
"What?" Death was becoming aware that he had never used 'what?' so
many times in one day.
"I want to see the man in charge, I demand to see the manager"
"For Heaven's sake this isn't a restaurant, do you realise what you're
asking?"
"Damn right. I want to see God"
Death wasn't happy. He wasn't happy at all, but he didn't see what
other choice he had. For the first time since the existence of man on
the planet, when he had to take Adam's soul from him, he was in over
his head, and the person causing this problem was someone stupid enough
to electrocute themselves because they'd been watching TV in the
bath.
God wasn't going to be happy, of this death was pretty sure and Death
spent the elevator ride up to heaven trying to work out how to explain
this all to The Almighty, and he hadn't even made an appointment.
"Wow so they really do have gates to heaven" exclaimed Sid as they
stood before the Pearly Gates. On a plaque in big black letters it
read
IF YOU ARE BUYING WE ARE NOT SELLING
IF YOU ARE SELLING WE ARE NOT BUYING
AND DEFINITELY NO JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
Death pushed the doorbell. "Hello can I help you?" came a voice from
the other side of the gates as they slowly swung open, a second later
and out strode a large man with a big white beard. "Oh its you" said St
Peter as soon as he saw Death. "What do you want?"
"I need to see the boss"
"This had better be important, he's a very busy superbeing you
know"
"I know, I need his authorisation on a sensitive issue" explained
Death
"Very well, he's in court at the moment so you'll have wait. You can
go and watch in the public gallery if you want"
Sid looked up at Death pleadingly. Death groaned. "Very well, come
one"
"Who's on trial?" Sid asked St Peter as they walked away.
"Adolf Hitler, He's appealing against his banishment to hell."
"Look, how can you possibly say that the evidence is circumstantial?"
argued St Barnabas who was acting for the prosecution. "We have death
warrants signed by you, television footage and millions of witnesses,
its all fairly conclusive to me"
"I object!" shouted Henry VIII
"Overruled" said God from the bench. Hitler sat there with his head in
his hands. For the past three hours he had watched the growing evidence
presented by the prosecution, and all that Henry VIII had managed in
defence was about fifty 'I objects' and claims that the evidence was
circumstantial, that all the thirty million witnesses were unreliable
and that there was no way that Hitler was guilty beyond reasonable
doubt. "Has the defence anything more to add?" boomed God.
"What about if I move for insanity?" Henry VIII was now clutching at
straws.
"Objection" interceded Baranabas, "The plea has already been
made"
"Overruled" said God, "I want to see where this is going, will the
defence please continue"
"Well I move for insanity on the grounds that surely no one sane, who
was in the public eye, would sport such a ridiculous hair cut and
moustache" Although several members of the jury nodded at this point it
was much too little, much too late.
"Come on" said Death, "Hitler's going down, lets go and see God"
"Tea or Coffee?" asked Mary of Magdelene as they sat in the reception
area. Death declined, the last time he was offered a cuppa was when
this whole fiasco had started. Naturally Sid had accepted and was now
sat next to death happily dunking a digestive into his cup. Death
groaned and looked at his watch. He hoped that God would turn up soon.
Across the waiting room sat King Arthur. "What are you in here for?"
inquired Death more to avoid having to talk to Sid than out of any
genuine curiosity. "I just wanted to ask God when he was thinking of
letting me return to England, to reclaim the throne and so fulfil the
prophecy that's all. I mean I'm sure he hasn't forgotten about me or
anything, but Jesus has got to go back sometime as well and I just want
to make sure he can fit it all in before Armageddon" Death wondered
just what would happen if King Arthur was allowed to return to England
to reclaim the throne. Probably end up in an asylum. "What about you
mate?" asked Arthur
"Oh nothing really just a small administrative problem, that's all...
Ah good here he comes now."
King Arthur had the prior appointment so Death and Sid just sat there,
Death clutching a little plastic number 2 and Sid happily slurping his
cup of tea. Above the reception desk was a series of names with a red
light next to each of them.
BUDDHA GOD MOHAMMED ELVIS
Death was waiting for the one next to 'God' to go off and for the
buzzer to sound which would then mean they could eventually go in and
see him.
BZZZZZZ
"So, what seems to be the problem?" asked God as kindly as he could.
Despite this Death and Sid were both trembling with fear, he was, after
all, the most powerful being in the universe. "And it had better be
good" God added "I've got another universe to create after
dinner."
Death and Sid stood back in death's house again. God hadn't been that
bad about it really, although he did make some comment under his breath
that he thought death couldn't hear, about 'If he's struggling now,
heaven knows how he's going to cope at the end of the world'. Anyway
God explained very nicely (and much to Deaths pleasure) to Sid that he
had to play Death. Those are the rules and if he doesn't, then its an
eternity in hell. Needless to say Death had perked up considerably.
"So, what game do you wish to play? or should I say, do you wish to be
thrashed at ha ha"
"Well, I've had quite a while to think about it actually and, taking
into account how good you are at everything I've decided I want to play
hide and seek. So you go and hide and I'll count to a hundred!"
Not for the first time that day Death groaned. He got the feeling that
this was going to be a very, very long day.
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