The birds, revisited

17th January

Dear Franz,
We've hit a cold snap here in Britain, though it's probably still not
as cold as Germany. However, the birds are well cared for here; you can
buy not only seeds and toxin-free peanuts but now there's all kinds of
specialist food; dried worms you can reconstitute, live caterpillars
(imported, of course) which you can fix in your tree and all manner of
small captive creatures for the birds of prey. I hope you can come over
and visit us this year, if it's anything like last year it will be
tremendous! Twenty-seven new species, though I only got to see three or
four of them; it shows conservation's really working!

3rd February

Dear Franz,
Interesting story from the newspaper I thought you'd like to read.
Apparently there are so many peregrines on Tyneside that pigeon
fanciers have stopped racing their pigeons; they simply feed them up,
let them out one at a time and put bets on which peregrine will catch
them first. Much less pigeon poo on the streets as all the feral
pigeons have been eaten up too!

23rd February

Dear Franz,
Had any waxwings this winter? We've had hundreds in the North-West;
there was a big flock going round Stockport recently. First they
stripped the cotoneasters, then they stripped the pyracanthas, then
they stripped a woman wearing a dress with cherries on. Aberrant
behaviour, apparently.

4th March

Dear Franz,
One consequence of the number of rubbish American series on British TV
is the increase in drive-by shootings; there was one near Wigan
recently in which four members of an angling club which had proposed a
cull on cormorants were mown down as they fished on the riverbank. The
only clue police have to go on is that the culprits were described as
big and black with a large wingspan&;#8230;

23rd March

Dear Franz,
Amazing scenes with the early migration; a pair of South American
toucans have set up a territory in Phoenix Park, Dublin. They feed
exclusively on Guinness, flying into the city centre in the early
evening and hanging round bars looking menacing until customers give
them their beer. If you try and fob them off with a rival brew you're
guaranteed a nasty nip from that huge beak! Local ornithologists have
every confidence of breeding success. Can you fly direct from Frankfurt
to Dublin? I could meet you there!

11th April

Dear Franz,
The migration's been unsurpassed; forty-five new species already, and
often in flocks. The myna birds in particular are very confiding and
seem quite grateful to be allowed into Britain; they're proving very
useful to immigration. Only this week they were sitting in on an
interview with a man who claimed to be an English professor from Delhi,
and the myna chirped:
"With that accent? Bog-cleaner from Bangalore, more likely! Deport
him!"
And they did.

18th April

Dear Franz,
Do you like the photograph? That's me on the right! So the Sphix's
Macaw isn't extinct after all, we've got three of them plying the big
reserves having their photos taken with birders. It cost me five quid
for conservation funds and a basketful of figs for the macaw. Do you
have any idea how much fresh figs cost??

7th May

Dear Franz,
More good news on the conservation front; they've grounded the local
police helicopter and handed the job to specially-trained eagles, whose
eyesight's that much better. They soar around looking for miscreants
and then swoop down and peck out their eyes; we not only save on fossil
fuels but the crime rate's plummeted as well. I never thought I'd see
the day when Manchester is declared safer than Frankfurt; surely
symbiosis at its best! The only teething trouble is that the eagles
often can't distinguish between prospective burglars and Jehovah's
Witnesses, but most people don't want either of them hanging round
their homes anyway. I do hope you can get across whilst the weather's
good.

19th June

Dear Franz,
Woke up this morning to a hair-raising scrabbling, screaming noise. I
opened the front door and there was a secretary bird, stamping on the
postman like he was a dangerous snake. It had a letter for me in its
beak, respectfully reminding me that my RSPB subscription was now due.
I wrote a cheque immediately and handed it to the secretary bird which
inspected it, tucked it under its wing and then flew off, leaving the
postman to limp along the road, trailing blood and shredded circulars
from the Cats Protection League.
On second thoughts, maybe I'll come and visit you this year
instead.