Early to Heaven

I was almost paralysed with fear when I heard the judge pass my
sentence.
" You have been found guilty of the heinous crime of murder. You will
be taken from this court to a place of detention and on the day
appointed will be taken from this place to the gallows where you will
be hanged until dead."

They had to drag me from the court, as I couldn't walk any more. I was
numb with disbelief. How could they find me guilty? I'd never harmed
anyone. I even caught nasty wasps and removed them from the room and
here I was condemned to die!

I'm in my cell waiting for my barrister to visit me. He says that he
will lodge an appeal against my sentence; meanwhile I've been given
paper and pencil to write on so I'm telling my story.

I'm accused of murdering my child. My beloved child. I'd wanted to have
more than one but it wasn't to be. I loved him so much that I suppose I
spoilt him. Everything that he wanted I got for him, everything that I
could afford and some things that I couldn't! I've not been a paragon
but I've not been totally bad. I married a rich man so that my son
could have a good life.
For a while we did live well but my husband's family didn't like me and
eventually they turned him against me. He began to beat me and I could
put up with that but then he began to beat my son and I would not stay
with him. I packed our bags and we left.
I went to live with my brother and I kept house for him in return for
our lodgings and for a time we were happy there but we had to leave
there the day after my brother came into my bed and forced me to have
sex with him. I was horrified that he could contemplate such an evil
act but he just shrugged and said,
"If you don't like it leave."
So we left.
I found a farmer who needed a housekeeper, he was a God-fearing man and
we lived there until my son left home to work as a sailor. Without his
help everything became too much for the old farmer and he eventually
sold his farm and went to a spa town to live his life out in genteel
splendour. But this left me homeless again. My son was rapidly promoted
as he was an intelligent boy and by the time he was sixteen he was a
junior officer. I was so proud of him, I think that I bored everyone I
met by telling them about my boy. By this time I was working in a
public house, it wasn't ideal but it gave me shelter for the night and
the landlord didn't bother me. He seemed far more interested in my son,
whenever he had shore leave. My son told me that some men where like
that, they preferred men to women. I didn't mind, it meant that I
wasn't subjected to his advances. My son also turned him down but he
didn't take against me.

Which leads me to the most terrible day in my life, even more terrible
than when I was found guilty.
I was working in the bar of the tavern and a boy came running in.
"Missus, there's a brawl down at the docks. I think your Jack is in the
middle."
I ran out of the tavern and down onto the dockside. Sure enough there
was a group of men shouting and screaming at two men who were fighting.
But I couldn't see Jack.
In vain I looked for him. I was going from man to man asking is they
had seen him.
They treated me roughly, pushing me aside until one man said,
"I've seen him missus, he was down yonder." He pointed down towards an
ally that led to some bawdy houses. I went down there in trepidation, a
decent woman doesn't go down into those places but I had to see Jack. I
had to know that he was alright.
It was dark down the ally, the buildings crowded in and leant towards
one another so much that they excluded most of the light, even if it
had been a sunny day it wouldn't have been much brighter but it was a
foggy day. Not quite a pea souper but still very foggy.
I groped my way along the ally but soon realised that I'd not see Jack
unless he was directly in front of me. I was about to give up when I
stumbled. There was something on the floor of the ally. As I fell my
hands went out to prevent me falling flat on my face they hit something
warmish and soft. Kneeling on the filthy floor I felt around and
realised that I was feeling a person. I screamed out then shouted for
help. One of the doors opened and illuminated the scene. I can imagine
how it looked. I was kneeling over the body of a man and my hands were
covered in blood.
As the light hit the body I saw that it was Jack. As soon as I realised
who it was I fainted. I didn't come to my senses until I was in the
police house. The constable treated me roughly as if I was one of the
bawds but on my insistence that he should send for my employer he
moderated his attitude. My employer came running to help me and it was
he who found the solicitor for me.
I was charged with murder that day and it wasn't long before I was at
the Assize Court being tried. And condemned to death
So that is my story. I sit and wait for justice, though for women in
this land there seems to be little or no justice. No one except for my
solicitor and barrister has listened to my story. My employer helped me
because he knew me and as he said,
"This woman is a gentlewoman, she has fallen on hard times but I've
never known her speak ill of anyone nor harmed even a dog." But the
blood on my hands spoke volumes against me and the men on the jury took
little time in considering their verdict.

My appeal failed. They said that there was no cause for an
appeal.

I wait here in my cell, the priest has been and he has forgiven me all
my sins. I hear the footsteps of the warder as he comes to fetch me for
my last walk. I'm not crying.
I know that I didn't kill my son and I know that I will soon be
reunited with him in Heaven. The keys are in the door now and I must
end my journal. I go to meet my Maker and his light will shine upon me
and his mercy will be with me.
To all who read this journal know that in Heaven is an innocent woman
sent there too early but united with her beloved son who was cruelly
murdered.