Fascination for Life

Fascination For Life

I am up! stop screaming
five mins later….I am up!! STOP pouring water!
another five mins later…. I am up!!! Get naked.

When I finally woke up, she was looking so radiant; glowing from a fire within, like, like a brightly lit, well-designed shopping mall. I would have said something about dew and the sunshine and all, but really, I’ve never been awake at odd hours of the day.
So she was radiant, and then she was tender and then she was laid. I slept again.

You have no fascination for life.
That knocked the wind out of me. She didn’t mean to, I am sure, but she did. Apparently it was always so, she just never crossed the threshold. The one they tell you about at virgin prep school, the one that gets your man’s ego, the one that may not let him rise again.
And that is why she never mentioned it before. I was up again, this time wide-awake. You don’t give a candy to a kid and then smash the candy machine.

So, why tell me now? Why even blurt them out? I believe any relationship finally comes down to the truth or the lack of it. I like the lack of things, it makes it easier to resist.

You have no fascination for life you know, none at all.

It was stated simply, matter of fact, like the inscrutable result of a thousand year observation. Not a eureka moment, not something you would scream while running out of your bath butt naked. This was said as only truth can be, quietly with the presence of an ageless wisdom and peace within. People only shout the truth when they know someone will not agree. She knew I wouldn’t resist. She knew, I knew.

I like your ass! I am fascinated by its hypnotically swaying. That should count for something. The smile was weak, the tea lovely. She does make good tea.

When was the last time you missed something, she said.

Last week, only last week, I was…hmmm….

I couldn’t finish the sentence. She waited, I waited.
Oh come on! I do miss a lot of things. Some things I miss all the time, but some times I miss other things. Once in a while I miss everything.

A raised eyebrow, a lowered biscuit.

I miss not being able to do you and you know who at the same time. There, I said it. I miss it. I always have. It’s like it never happened. Coz you never let it. But I miss it.

Really? So when was the last time you tried, tried really really hard to make it happen?
Was she kidding, did she just say that to me. This is a trap.

It may not be as good as it feels in my head, so why ruin all that fun I keep having up here?
Smart answer. Take that miss hunter.

She placed the cup gingerly on the bed and looked in me. I swear, right IN me! She went in searching, somewhere a hope. She came up empty. The worm was still wiggling on the end of the line, but I refused to bite. Oh no, not today.

After she was dressed and ready to leave, she informed me that the loo was free. If that was in anyway to suggest that I should use it right away it did not come to me. Instead I sat up in bed and was trying not to fall asleep again when I asked her, in all seriousness do you mean that? No. She laughed and gave me a whack. I would never do a threesome.
No, not that. I mean the no fascination for life thingy. Do you believe, deep within that I have no innate desire to live?

Oh no, you do want to live, but you just want life to happen. Like a multi-dimensional movie playing all around you. You are the sole reason for it to play, but you play no part in it.

I don’t take part in my own life?

Of course you do. Once in a while you applaud, you cry and most of the time you make a lot of noise. But you are happy with the director’s view of things. Why bother enacting when popcorn and beer is on the outside?

My chance to raise an eyebrow, if its all an act, why bother at all then?

That was a tough line; she wouldn’t have a comeback for that.

Coz to some, it’s their life. To you, it’s A life.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever wanted to be. You know, the feeling when you are not questioning your existence or purpose, but the very fact that you are. If I ever could, I would just be. And then, maybe just then, I would have a fascinating life instead of ‘ a fascination for life’.

She was waiting. I couldn’t let her win.
You mean I’m living one of many lives I could?

Probably.
She regretted it the moment she said it. She saw me smile.

So which one has Angelina in it?