ghosts

Ghosts
By lynne
fitzpatrick


Always at night, always as I
lay in the dark, prone and alone, their scrambling noises pulling at my
nerves and digging into my thoughts,
Round and round they go
in ever tightening circles as I grind my teeth, and try to use logic to
break their evil spell,
Even as I toss and turn and shake my
head to try to dislodge them, they draw the night tighter around me
with their insistent voices growing ever louder,
Not now, not
now, let me sleep for once in peace and quiet, where no insidious
dreams are allowed to dwell,


These
wretched creatures tear at my heart making it bleed,
They
pierce my conscience with their spiky talons,
Even my
self-respect is brought down around my knees,
And all of my
foundations shift on undulating
ground,


Where did they come from, when did
this start, how did this happen,
Why me, Why me, why not you
instead of me,
Go see a shrink you growl at me, totally fed up
with my self-pity,
Get yourself sorted and get on with life,
you cry as you slam the door,


Laying in
bed again, waiting, watching, listening for them, bedclothes pulled up
around my face,
It doesn't help, it doesn't stop them crawling
on my skin, remembering, going over things again and again,

When I wake up more drained than the night before, not able
to feel as though I have had any sleep at all,
I find myself
dragging them with me through the day, I feel the weight of them on my
wrists as though attached on a chain,


I
carry them on my back clinging like baby monkeys, pulling me
down,
I wear them like earrings, dangling heavily, dragging
down my stretched lobes,
They hang from my hips and swish and
sway as I walk,
They drag on behind me, and hop out in front
of me, anything just to make me fall,

Page
Two




But a strange
revelation occurred in the night, I remembered how it all started, it
gave me a fright,
Happened after school, over forty years ago,
kept my friend talking, wouldn't let her go,
Jumping up and
down and hopping from foot to foot, she held onto her crotch, while she
wished me to go,
I carried on talking, enjoying her dance,
enjoying a power no one should know,


I
looked in mock horror at the wet stain on her legs, spreading and
flowing with no way to stop it,
She tried not to cry with
embarrassed sobbed breaths, as the puddle of piss formed and splashed
at her feet,
The guilt only started when my eyes met hers, the
shame she was feeling was suddenly transferred,
Although
neither of us ever spoke of this ever again, our friendship was ended
because of my guilty pain,


The pain that
endures over everything else, are the ghosts that I carry for reasons
unknowing,
And for the mistakes I have made and can never
forget, and for the choices I've stopped from ever
becoming,
For the friends I have forsaken while holding their
hand, for the hearts I have broken while leading them on,
For
the sake of old habits and surreptitious needs, I add on all of todays
and tomorrows misdeeds,



So don't
take my ghosts or my spirits wont rise, the hauntings would stop and
there would be no surprise,
I would spend all my time sleeping
and never despair, I would grow old so gracefully and keep all my
hair,
I just love all of the fuss and bother I keep giving to
myself, while the world keeps on spinning, not a moment will I
dwell,
On other peoples problems, other peoples cares, not
while the martyrdom fits so snugly and I wear it so well.