happy tears and sad tears

Life is like a book, no one knows what will happen in the end and the best part of discovering it is to read it. I wanted to travel the world, listen to the best music, taste the best food, and feel the best emotion love through books. Where winters made people feel warm in there houses my books kept me warm through out the year. My mornings started from my bed and ended at my bed with just another book in my hand. I never wanted to see the real outside world, my books told me how things are beautiful outside the window and somewhere I didn’t want to break the perfect image of this world. Life was too good till one day when I had to go out of my room and look at the world outside my window which was not just school and friends it was more.
First thing in the morning I had to get up and get dressed, and then I started off from my house to a book store, I read all my books left by my grand father and now was the time to search and get new ones. I saw a book store near by and walked towards it.
As I reached inside I greeted the owner introducing myself, “hello sir, I am Aasim and I am looking for old English classics.” The owner not bothering gave me two three books without checking and told me to look inside and check if I can find anything I want. I went inside and I saw many books it was heaven on earth. When I was thinking how about this heaven when a girl came in walking towards me, I was mesmerized by her smiling eyes and her innocent look. I tried taking my eyes of her and started checking out for the books I want, and then with her charming voice she said, “Hi, I am Nazima and I wish to read a book but I can’t decide what to read.” I was lost in her thoughts and had no words to say. My heart was beating so fast and so loud that I was scared if she could hear it too. She called me again, and I got all my strength together and told her my favorites and my suggestions for her. She took my advice and thanked me. I wanted to hear her voice all night long and see her smiling eyes all day long.
I didn’t want to stay in my room all day long and didn’t want to read the books with stories I admire I wanted to have my own story and I wanted to live it. Nazima was there again in the store and was very happy to see me; she loved the book and wanted more suggestions. We went for long walks and I told her stories. Nazima was friend I wanted to hold on to. She loved me more than I thought she would. And one day, when I went to meet her she wasn’t there, and I wanted to wait and I did wait for a long time. I was just about to leave when I heard her coming and she had a book in her hand. She gave me the book and without saying a word left me all alone wondering.
The book said “Wuthering heights by Emily Bronte.” I wanted to know why she didn’t come for a walk and why she gave me that particular book. I went back home disappointed and thought of reading the book. As I opened the book I saw a letter in it. I knew what the letter was all about but I guess I just wasn’t ready to accept it. The letter was not long but long enough to make me fall in love with her.
“Hey,
I wanted to say sorry for not coming today for the walk, but more than that I wanted to say sorry for making you go through this. I am just a simple girl falling in love. I have read, heard, and seen love everyday with me. I don’t know how to confess about my love and I don’t know how to write this page of love for a person who is love himself.
This life is like a book and the page of love is colored with your love. I don’t just trust you I believe in you, I just want you I need you. I wanted to explain when and how I felt it but I guess it wasn’t a moment, it was eternity. If this is my true love for you then I know that it shall have the same happy tears in your eyes as I had while writing it.
Love Nazima.”
Here on my life was like all the writers say brighter, happier and beautiful. Love starts to grow on every body then I was just another human and like people say “I was blessed with love.” Love was took me to greater heights in life. I wanted to live not for myself but someone else. It made feel complete, loved and contented. I knew it would last forever, or I would just like to believe that it would last forever. Love is pure and innocent. It is a sweetest mistake one wishes to make.
This was a new chapter in my life, knowing that some one is there thinking about you, caring about you and loving you. It was an assurance that no matter what happens and how much the going gets tough I’ll be there with you, not behind you not in front of you but beside you. A feeling of being with some one was very special; my life was being noticed and witnessed by Nazima. She was poetry in all sense she was a song and rhythm of my life. Happiness and love can’t be measured and I was more than satisfied to loose the count of it. I was glad with the joy and pain I had in my life as it was shared with a beautiful person like Nazima. Her words were like poetry, and her steps were like fall of a rose petal. Then my heart said, “I know that you have started a life now, and I know from living a life where you couldn’t feel anything how it is like to start feeling again.” My heart, mind and I myself were flying too high. A special person like her made me feel more special and she was like an unexpected gift. I was happy for once and I knew the love stories have their problems but always have a happy ending.
We went for long walks for longer time; we enjoyed the silence and the talks. It was more of ‘we’ than ‘I’. We shared everything from talk to food to laughter to cry to silence to words to us. It was magic, I couldn’t stop thinking about her, talking to myself about her and imagining her everywhere. I loved every bit of it. I was like an open book, and she used to know me as I knew myself. Love was not a binding it was so free and no one of us wanted to fly away. I was glad to give myself to her in all ways, coz I knew she loved me and needed me. I was happy that I felt this love and this joy.
This time I was sure that my life is on the track where I wanted it to be. Until one day, life has more to offer than love. I was being a fool thinking that we are just happy with all we have. When I realized her just not being satisfied with me, and the road to life has many curves and we choose the ends. And this was it, Nazima was finding her support and comfort from someone else and I guess we were rushing into something; she needed me then and not wanted me. I think she was like the sand and I kept loosing her like sand from my hand. I felt like a looser and I didn’t want to accept this fact. Leaving her was not easy but I had to before she did.
Then there was another phase in my life, I had to move on. I had to be alone, I don’t know why is it hard for me, wasn’t I alone before I met her? I was not to think about her, love her and miss her. She was wrong and I knew she was, but still she was some one I looked forward to meet during the whole day. I was depended on her and now it was the end and this was the part where I had to let her go. The beautiful person I know I learnt to know I had to unlearn to know and to love her.
I felt myself feeling the pain this pain did hurt me I had no one to share it with me. I questioned myself and wanted to talk about it but at the same time wanted to avoid it. A creepy feeling, a feeling of being not good enough irritated and drowned me and I knew like everybody says, “I was being killed by love.” I was broken not because I Nazima didn’t love me but because I loved her. I wanted to know why; I wanted answers for how and when. Everything was a question and life started to seem like an empty vessel. I hated myself for not being good enough and for not being able to match up to her. I wanted to go back to my dream land of books, but they all seem to be unreal. They did not make me happy, and I didn’t blame her but I blamed myself for seeing the world outside the window. There was a silence that killed me, loneliness that had thoughts of her that suffocated me, kisses in the rain, warmth during winters and walks in autumn were a castle in the sky. I was done building them now I wanted to live a life more importantly a real life.
Wondering where to start, the new page of my life I wanted no regressions a smile for sweet memories and not tears for the sad times. So all the memories I had were to be packed, and kept like a souvenir. I moved on as per what everybody thought, but I just kept them somewhere in corner of my heart. Living with all this wasn’t difficult and hard but just painful and I guess bluntly painful. I was used to this pain but I we need to depend on something first there was Nazima and then pain. They both were a part of me.
I went back to the book store like I did before not read books and not to meet Nazima but to meet Aasim the old Aasim. There on the rack I found the old book, the mysterious book “Wuthering heights” I picked up the book to see what it brings me this time. I found a tear drop my eye it, and this time it was not the happy tears they were sad tears. I dint cry when she was gone neither did I cry when I found myself all alone but now feeling this love again makes me cry. I felt relieved, this was the time when I broke down and cried.
I lived a basic life I wanted to thereafter and was happy knowing that I am living for my self, with no expectations, limits and acceptance fear. I don’t love it all but I had no choice. Finally, turning the pages of my life gave me a sense of relief as to how I my life was and is.
Then one day on the next page of my life I was walking the same path as Nazima and I used to. I sat down for a moment, and there I saw her too those smiling eyes, and steps like fall of a rose petal. And she walked towards me and said, “Aasim I waited for you, to accompany me, to walk with me on the road of my life.” I wanted to hold on to her and go back to the sweet mistake I made once, but something stopped me and she with trembling voice asked me if I missed her.
The silence was uncomfortable, she wrote me a note with tears in her eyes, and said that she had no strength to say it. I read it to myself it said,
“My honor and reward lies in this
That whenever I come to the fountain to drink I find the living water itself thirsty,
And it drinks me while I drink it.”
After reading that note I felt her love for me but it was the time for farewell and I wrote her a note behind the same the note as I had no strength to say it.
“Brief were my days with you and briefer still the words I have spoken. But should my voice fade in your ears and my love vanish in your memory. Then I will come again. And I hope after reading this you have tears in your eyes, happy tears or sad tears, I doesn’t matter because tears are tears.
Leaving her there I started to walk ahead to write a new page of my life.