I Have Killed

I HAVE KILLED!
Just once, but I HAVE killed

It was either me or him
And, from all accounts
He DESERVED to die

But I have to say that
Even now
There are some days
When I wish it had been
ME

They say he was off of his head on drugs
And that I probably saved more lives
by doing what I did

It doesn't help

We were about the same age
He had his life in front of him
But he gave it away
To ME

I was told not to go to the funeral
Even though his parents
Had said how sorry they were
That their son was a killer
And that they didn't blame me

I did

I could have ran
I could have stayed hidden
But I wanted to be a hero
I wanted to prove how brave I was
And so I stayed

It was over in a moment
I rushed him from behind
Grabbed the gun and
Shot him in the head

I remember smiling at the time
As if it was something amusing
A silly, sick joke

I'm not laughing any more
I'm not sure I will ever laugh again

People milled around me
patting me on the back
as if I'd just won the race
or scored the winning goal

Hero? I suppose so but
keep the medal
I need no more reminders