I Miss You!

I Miss You!

Today I write, tomorrow I die. It's four o'clock in the morning the
time of day when you wish you were wrapped up in bed fast asleep,
dreaming of a time when life is not crap. Her eyes are open, and she
feels a familiar pounding in the right temple,

"I wish that it wasn't real, God I hurt, but who cares, Nobody"!

She cried and cried, the pain filling her up and drowning her in an
ocean of chronic fatigue. I am in that place again, she thought, as the
tears streamed down her cheeks, Oh, it is just too early for weeping, I
have the whole day to whale and bemoan my fate, please let me die. Her
name is Jenny and all too frequently her day begins clouded in a state
of grief and anxiety

Let me take you there, - It all started a year after she had met him,
and boy did she pay the price for her desires fostered in the jaws of
Hell. Jason was one of those guys that only happen upon you once in any
lifetime, the kind of man, you dance with in your dreams. The kind of
man that makes you sweat in anticipation, before the gentle touch of
his hand enslaves you in a state of pure ecstatic bliss. She shuddered
as her mind wandered back to a happier time, a time when she was the
most beautiful woman in the world, it was her world and she loved every
intense minute of it.

A deep sense of sadness gripped her again, she was Feeling once more,
Jesus, if only this intense longing would dissipate, perhaps she would
be free. She cursed the day she ever set eyes on him, but at the same
time, she could feel the essence of her soul eroding with every bitter
tear that she wept. Jenny glanced towards the clock 4:54am pure torment
again and again oozing from every pore. The hot and cold sweats were
her constant companions, the abdominal pain a reminder that her body
was living the dance of longing, diarrhoea and vomiting and a sense of
nausea were her early morning signs of another day without the one she
loved.

She lent forward and reached for a taste of nicotine, she lit her fag
and inhaled deeply and slowly, she could still feel a bitter taste in
her mouth, remnants from her long boozy night before when she was sick
as a dog, she had lost count of the bottles of beer she had downed,
after beer came the wine and then, she puffed on a joint, until she
passed out.

Now she was wide awake and definitely not ready to face another day,
thank god it was Saturday, she would not have to pretend to be normal
today, she would just stay in bed and write, but what was she to write,
every word was touched by him, every sentence steeped in the mysteries
of the lonely, nothing was safe, she would just write a couple of words
in her journal and contemplate her death, after all tomorrow was the
day she was to die.

It was the start of something new for her, something different, she lit
another fag, pulling hard as she inhaled, with every breath she felt
the beating of her heart, and with every memory she sunk deeper into
her despair.

Her mind wandered, he had loved her so gently, his muscular body slowly
gyrating a gentle movement, she held him so tight and was connected in
a way that she never experienced before, the earth not only moved in
unison with every thrust, but she had heard the sounds of angels, as
they both exploded, she thought she would die at the very moment of
release.

Every moment he was with her was like a dream, she loved the way he
smelt, not sweaty, but a kind of sweet manly perfume, his skin was
bronze, his body well proportioned and athletic. That day he had picked
her up from work as normal. She put the key in her door and he
followed, not an inkling of the trauma about to unfold. They ordered a
Chinese and she skipped out of her clothes as she ran her bath.

"Are you coming in she enquired" "Not yet, I Want to read the paper,
You go ahead, I will be there in a moment" was his response, "Ok babe,
take your time"

She was so happy that she hardly noticed that Jason had not joined her,
she bathed and headed for the bedroom, it was almost 9:00pm. Jason was
sat on her bed, she loved to watch him, she dived on him and wrapped
her arms around him, she stroked his back and kissed his neck, he
responded to her touch and she closed her eyes as he touched and
caressed her, they made love again and again, but this time it was
different, she didn't understand, but she did feel slightly concerned.
He was too quiet, and come to think of it, he had just not been
himself, that evening.

What's wrong she asked", He never answered, but just stared at the
ceiling, perhaps he had a bad day she thought. Then it came,

"I have something that I need to tell you" he said, she looked at him,
he sounded annoyed, "What" she said, waiting for him to confess his
true love for her,

She smiled.

"My sweetheart is coming back next week, I had a letter from her today"
he said.

"What? What are you talking about? She asked totally bemused.

I wanted to tell you this along time ago, but things were so good
between us that I didn't want to spoil it" he replied,

She still could not conceive the reality of what he was saying, "What
do you mean, you're sweetheart comes back next week?" " I thought I was
your Sweetheart"

"No, he said, I am married, my wife left me, just before I met you, It
was all a big misunderstanding, she has been abroad with her family and
now she is coming back.

Jenny Screamed. "You Bastard, you told me you were single, I have been
to your house, How could you do this to me"?

I haven't done anything to you he replied quite coldly, I never planned
this it just happened, and you enjoyed it as much as I did".

Jenny went cold, with the reality dawning on her faster than she could
assimilate it, she cried, "All this time you have been using me, while
she has been away".

"No" he said, "It wasn't like that,

Jenny could not deal with him or the situation, "Get out you Bastard"
she screamed, "Get out, I never want to see you again," she wailed. She
lay there for hours crying unable to comprehend what had just
happened.

Jason, left, quietly shutting the door on her and the life she thought
she had. She never saw him again. That was a year ago, tomorrow she
would celebrate their anniversary, after all tomorrow, as always was
the day she had chosen die.