Jelly boobs

30 weeks

I have a pair of breasts in my hands. Right now. So I'm not
complaining. I'm holding them before me, a palm cupped round each
splendid boob, judging its weight, being unashamedly public in my
appreciation of its unusual form. My classmates are watching, with not
a hint of disapproval.

The tits are in fact artificial. More than that. They're metaphorical,
I guess. I have two bags of Sweet Desire jelly beans in my clutches.
Roxanna is emptying a black sports bag and passing its contents,
article by article, around the circle of attentive ante-natal
participants. Before doing that she asked each of the boys - we have
our first casualty by the way: Dave (strong and silent) isn't here this
week; he has 'flu'; hmmm? - to pick it up. By then we had guessed that
the staggeringly heavy bag represented the collection of hidden extras
our partner has to carry with her while she is pregnant. Before the
jelly beans I held a voodoo-like baby-shape bean bag (Baby), a litre
bottle of water (amniotic fluid), a bottle of wine (blood) and oil
(body fat), and a carton of orange juice (extra body fluid).

I reluctantly give up possession of my jelly boobies to Mirian and am
passed a bag of flour by Lynda. It's the placenta. The moral of all
this? The pressure on the pelvic floor, Roxanna tells us, is extreme.
If the pelvic floor is strengthened through exercise, it will be easier
to relax during labour - thus minimising pain, reducing the chance of
tearing and improving sex life for the man and woman (frankly not that
high my agenda right now - happy to sacrifice screams of pleasure in
return for reduction in shrieks of pain).

The girls huddle into a group and are told about pelvic floor
exercises. From now on there will be little round orange stickers
dotted in strategic places around the house to remind H-J to spend a
few moments each day pretending that she's trying to squeeze out that
last drop of pee.

Us boys are sent off to draw up a list of what we have done so far to
prepare for labour. All we can think of is coming to these classes.