The Lapgend

The Lapgend

Steve Pemberton

Hi, my name is Gordon Brookes; I really love reading and that might be
one of the reasons why I haven't got any friends. The only people who
try and be my friends are geeks, just because I am bookish.

I only read all these books to do well in my GCSEs. What's so wrong
with that? It's not my fault every time people I want to be my friends
come into the library I have my head in a book. Just like when I was
studying at the back of the library, I heard Nick James and his mate
Tony Miller come crashing through the library doors.

'Hey, let's get some books to burn for tonight's bonfire. What do you
think of that Nick?' said Tony shoving his face into Nick's face.

'Great that sounds just great' said Nick.

Then I saw Tony Miller poke his head out the library doors.
'Hey Gemma you silly cow, are you coming in to help us look for books
to burn or what? Or are you going to stand on the doorstep all day like
a dopey tart?'

'Yeah, come on Gemma, Tony's right; we want you to help us. After all,
you are his girlfriend and girlfriends are supposed to help their
boyfriends with anything they want them to, isn't that right Tony?'
said Nick with a grin on his face.

'Yeah that's right mate. I could get my dopey cow Gemma to do anything
for me, even kiss my feet because she loves me.'

At this point I lifted my head from the book to see Gemma Jones come
gliding in with her golden hair swaying round her shoulder, her sweet
perfume drifting through the library filling the books with sweet
odours.

Gemma Jones is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, she is like an
angel sent from heaven. I often think to myself Gemma could do much
better than that idiot Tony Miller, I just hate the way he treats her,
always bossing her about. Well at that point I just lost it and before
I knew it words were coming out my mouth which I never knew I had the
guts to say.

'Hey Tony why don't you go and burn yourself on the bonfire and just
leave Gemma alone.'

I shut up quite quickly after I said that, but as usual Tony had his
say: 'Hey you geeky bookworm just go back to your book reading and stay
out of mine and Gemma's relationship,' said Tony.

'You haven't got a very loving relationship have you?' I shouted
out.

I had got to stop answering him back, I thought he was going to hit me,
but it was just one of those things like when your brain is telling you
something which could save your life and your temper takes over. I
think that was the thing which was happening to me now.

'Hey geek boy! You're just jealous because I have got a girl like
Gemma. You can only dream because the only thing you have a chance of
having a relationship with is one of your books, you have never had a
girl like Gemma and you never will and I don't think one of your books
are going to help you get a girl.'

And that was where he was very wrong because books are very helpful
when it comes to getting girls. The best book to help is a dictionary -
they are the best. They are really good if you are looking for words to
do with leisure things to do with your girl.

Certain words in there are great fun activities to do with a girl,
words which can make you no longer a virgin. Yes that's right, there
are some great dictionary words in there which allow you to lose your
virginity and thanks to the dictionary I lost my virginity. It all
started the same night as Tony and Nick's bonfire and while sparks flew
for them the sparks also flew for me but hotter. This night in question
I had great fun under the bed sheets.

I left the library after my showdown with Tony in a monster of a mood.
'I will show him books can help me get a girl.' I raced home on my
geeky bike, I pushed down so hard on the pedals I thought the tarmac
would come off the road.

Tony had got me so wound up I didn't care that I knocked an ice cream
cone out of a kid's hand and now it had ended up on top of my head.
Drops of ice cream splashing onto my glasses made it hard for me to see
anything in front of me. The world seemed like it was covered in layers
of ice cream. Was that my house ahead? I couldn't quite make out my
house, not until I had nearly rolled right past it. I tried to find my
brakes but all I found was ice cream. I sat there on my bike fumbling
with my hands trying to find the brakes.

"This is it," I thought, "I am going to die, my bike is going to do a
double jump and I am going to end up dead." Then when I was coming to
terms with death, I found the brakes and you should have heard the
scream of the bike as it skidded, making the pebbles hit me in the
face. My bike skidded into the garage. I limped off my bike and into my
house. As soon as I entered the house the anger of Tony came back to
me.

I dashed upstairs and went to my room and to my wonderful books. I
thought, "Right you wonderful things help me get a girl." I looked
round my room in search of a book. My eyes scanned round the room and
it was at this moment that I suddenly realised that Tony might be right
- books aren't going to help me get a girl. I looked hopelessly up at
my books; as I stared at the dusty covers of all the books I felt a hot
warm feeling edging itself up my body. I knew this feeling, it was the
feeling of anger.

I leaped off my bed like I was a Jack in the box, I lunged myself at
the book shelves and knocked the books flying off the bookcase. As I
dropped to the floor in a hopeless rage my eyes fell on my open
dictionary. I looked at the word which was begging me to read it. The
word was screaming at the top of it's lungs, 'You know you want to know
about me, just read me, READ ME!' I grabbed the dictionary up to my
face and looked at the word which was shouting at me 'READ ME! READ
ME!' 'Shut up brain, I would read the word if you gave me a chance.' My
eyes dropped to the word. I hadn't noticed this word before, I am not
saying I study every word in the dictionary but it's not every day you
find the word Lapgend. I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes then I
replaced my glasses on my face. I looked down at the word again. I
suddenly felt like the Lapgend was talking to me.

'Now young man. Now you have found me you have to put me to good use.
"Why?" I hear you ask? Well let me tell you, but first of all you tell
me, is there a special person in your life that you want to be your
cruddy bear or your cruddy pussy? And when I say pussy, I of course
mean your cruddy pussy cat.' As I stared down at the Lapgend I could
feel it shooting dirty pornography images of Gemma Jones and by great
surprise it seemed like the Lapgend had read my mind. 'Now, now you
dirty boy, stop thinking dirty porn images of Gemma.' I shot back from
the pages of the book with shock. 'How the&;#8230;' I shouted but I
was cut off short by the Lapgend. 'Now stop, I know what you are going
to say, you are going to say how do you know I was thinking that, well
let me tell you you're very lucky you clapped eyes on me because once
anybody has seen me they can't get me out of their system and then I
get them to lose control of their dream, their body, their fantasies.
The people lose control of their dreams and then the dreams are put
into action and you my friend are going to lose control of your body
with Gemma and your pornography dreams are going to come true.'

I shut the book so hard I ripped the spine, I jumped up and dashed down
the stairs leaping two at a time, I pulled the door open, dashed
outside and took a very big gulp of air. I must be going mad, of course
there is no such thing as a magic word which talks to you and makes you
do your sexual dreams to the person you fancy. As I crossed the street
I saw Gemma coming towards my house. 'Hi there Gemma what are you doing
here?'

'I have come to get some&;#8230;'

- but as soon she had said the word "some", I heard a voice in my head
- 'Hello there! You know who I am, did you hear what that sexy beast
said? She said she wants some of you.'

I don't remember what happened next.

The next thing I knew, I had Gemma up the bins across the street, I had
my body pressed against her body, I could feel her breasts pressed
against my nipples. Then I had a blank and next thing I knew I had her
sat on top of the bin, I was stood below her and then my mind had a
blackout. When the blackout had cleared I found we were having hot
sweaty sex in the open daylight, she screamed louder when I did it to
her harder. Then the thought came to my mind, 'I have got to stop this,
I am raping her.'

Then I thought, "How strange there is no one here in the neighbourhood
to help her."

I tried to fight myself to get off her but I couldn't, then I heard the
voice of the Lapgend, 'You like it don't you, you having the power of
your dreams.'

'Don't you stop doing this to me,' Gemma cried.

'Oh no, you are the only one who can stop your dreams but then again
who would with a person who looks like she should have a job as an
actress.'

Then I heard Gemma's voice. 'Give it to me harder, harder, harder! Just
a bit, oh yeah that feels good!'

I stopped what I was doing to her for a second and stared at her, she
seemed to be enjoying it, this rape which couldn't stop because of the
Lapgend.

'But you're with Tony! God he would kill me if he knew I was raping his
girlfriend and she was enjoying it.'

Gemma looked at me and said, 'Give it to me big boy! Let Mr Winky into
my jungle.'

We were there for ages on this endless sex overdrive as our lips parted
and Mr Winky had left the jungle. After the eighth hour Gemma pushed me
off her and whispered in my ear, 'That's enough sex for now,' and then
she turned and disappeared into the bushes.

Then my mind had a blackout and next the thing I knew I was stood on my
doorstep and I was shocked to see Gemma crossing the street towards my
house. 'Hi Gemma, aren't you tired?' I said.

'No I have just come to get some&;#8230;' but before she could
finish I cut her off.

'But you just have had some, some&;#8230;'

'What?' Gemma asked.

'Oh it doesn't matter,' I said.

"How strange," I thought, "she doesn't seem to know I have just raped
her in front of all the neighbours."

'Well what are you doing here?' I asked.

'I have come to get some homework notes off you,' she said.

I stood there for a second, then dashed in the house to get Gemma the
homework notes. 'There you go,' I said as I handed the notes to
her.

'Thanks, are you ok Gordon?' she asked.

'Fine,' I said as she walked away. Homework notes - is that only what
she wanted.

That night I lay there in my bed trying to get over the events of the
day and thought how Gemma had wanted sex so badly that she had ripped
her clothes off in bright daylight and had begged me to push it in
harder, and the next minute she didn't seem know she had had sex and
all she wanted was homework notes.

Then my mind seemed to blackout again and next I knew Gemma was
climbing though my bedroom window naked, with all different flavours of
ice cream, strawberry, mint, chocolate. She did a sexy walk over to my
bed and she started to rip my boxer shorts off. She yanked my bed
covers off me and she slowly started to rub my Mr Winky gently. And
then I heard the voice of the Lapgend. 'She's back for more sex just
like your dreams have told me.' Then her Mr Winky rubbing got harder
and as she did this she slowly opened the lids of all the ice creams
and begin to cover my body with all the different flavours. Then she
slowly moved herself down my body licking the cream from places I could
not even reach. She gave Mr Winky a long hard suck, the lucky man, and
then my mind seemed to stop.

Next thing I knew, I heard Gemma shouting my name from outside my
window 'Gordon! Gordon! Have you seen my earring? I must have dropped
it earlier when I came to get the homework notes.'

I jumped up and looked down and I saw Gemma below - but how could that
be? She had been in my bedroom having creamy sex.

The next morning I was in the shower just trying to wash away the
events of the night before, when next thing I knew Gemma was in the
shower with me. 'How the hell did you get in here?' I shouted, but I
heard the voice of the Lapgend. 'She wants you!'

Next thing I knew Gemma was in the shower with me. To my shock she
started grabbing all the shampoos and shower gels off the shower rack,
I just stood there staring gob smacked as she started rubbing the soaps
over herself sexually.

'What the hell are you doing here? Why aren't you with Tony? He is
going to kill me if we keep on having these sex games.'

I waited for her response, but to my surprise she didn't seem to hear
me, she was too busy rubbing herself all over her body with the shower
soaps. I just stared at her,. then I was shocked to see what she did
next. She grabbed my hand and shoved it between her legs Between her
panting deep breaths she said, 'Now it's your turn to feel my cruddy
pussy.'

'But Gemma, what about Tony? He is your&;#8230;' but before I could
finish she did a stroking motion with my hand and between her deep
breaths she said to my shock, 'Tony is a wanker and anyway you're my
big boy now and Mr Winky is a big boy as well isn't he?

I pulled away from Gemma's tender breasts quite quickly, grabbed my
towel, dashed into my bedroom, threw myself on the floor and searched
madly for my dictionary. I was just about to give up all hope when I
found it under my pillow. I pulled the book from under its hiding
place, I wrenched it open and started flicking through the pages with
anger. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the word Lapgend flick past
me. I pulled the book covers and I nearly ripped the book's spine clean
away. I stared down at the Lapgend and begged it to speak to me, but it
didn't give me any response.

'Bloody talk to me Lapgend! I know you can stop playing with me.'

I started shaking the book trying to get it to talk to me. 'Bloody
talk!' I shouted.

'Hey there Gordon my man, how are you enjoying it with Gemma?' the
Lapgend said calmly.

'How do you know about Gemma and me?' I shouted.

'Because I am the one who is controlling what happens between you and
Gemma,' the Lapgend told me.

'But how do you control me?' I shouted.

'Well by your dreams you found me and I knew straight away what you
wanted me to control, and that was your dreams with Gemma,' the Lapgend
told me. 'So that is why Gemma didn't mind me and her having sex, and
that is why she called Tony a wanker,' I said.

'Yeah I took you into your dreamland where things that you wanted
happened,' the Lapgend told me.

At that point I heard Gemma coming out of the shower. 'Oh Gordon you
sexy thing, are you in bed waiting for me to come and sex you
up?'

'Look Lapgend. You control this, you can stop this,' I begged.

'Oh no I can't stop it, you are the only one who can say when your
dreams stop,' said the Lapgend.

'WHAT?!' I shouted, 'YOU CAN'T STOP IT?'

I grabbed the dictionary in a rage, ran at full speed at the window and
flung the dictionary with all my might.

The book sailed through the window and caught the flames of a cooking
barbeque. The book turned to dust. I shot round, and to my shock Gemma
had disappeared. I was brought back to the land of the living by the
sound of the doorbell, I ran down the stairs and opened the door to the
shock of Gemma.

'Gemma, I&;#8230;' but she quickly cut in. 'Gordon you're right
about Tony and I want to be with you.' That is my happy ending to my
story.

Hi my name is Mike and I can't get to sleep. I am just lying waiting
for sleep to come. Oh what is this? Oh it's a book, let's read myself a
bedtime story. Oh what is this word? Lapgend. 'Hello Mike, I will be
your living nightmare. I am back and I am here to stay.'

The End

word count 3134