Long in the saddle

After several years out of the saddle, I bought myself a Raleigh
"Siren" mountain bike in an effort to get me out &; about and to get
fit over the summer. The bike cost me a mere ?95; it was reduced from
?200, mainly because its frame is a funky electric purple colour. As
such, it is probably a touch namby-pamby for your serious, off-roading,
wall-of-death type cyclist. And in any case, these guys and gals
probably wouldn't dream of paying less than ?1500 for something that
has GPS, tyres that repair themselves and devices to check their email
whilst on the move. I couldn't give a monkey's. I could always get a
can of Hammerite for ?6 and spray paint it myself.

After just one outing, I realise that I do have to re-learn to ride a
bike.
I've got some sense of balance, so I do not have to sink to the
indignity of stabilisers, or having to get my Dad to run along behind
me holding the seat.
(Imagine that. A 40-year old on a purple bike with stabilisers. Good
job I've got an "Action Man" crash helmet, otherwise people would think
I'm a bit of a jessie).

No. The learning I have to do is to get used a bike with 18 gear
settings - three gearings at the pedals, six on the back wheel. I got
on the bike with them set on 2 &; 4 respectively. Good. I was making
some decent headway. I fiddled with both gears and my legs whirred
round and round - a bit like a cartoon character trying to make a
getaway and running on the spot - and I inched my way along the road.
Not good. So I moved the gears the other way and then found I was sat
astride an immovable object - not good when you're at a mini roundabout
with an ice-cream van up your rear mudguard. I know when I'm beaten.
Gears 2 and 4 would suffice for now.

The other weird thing about this bike is that it has full suspension;
shock absorbers on the front forks and a huge spring-thing under the
seat. When I sat on the bike, it bobbed gently up-&;-down. In time,
I'm sure that these features will have the twin effects of absorbing
any nasty bumps and making me feel seasick in the middle of the high
street.

I nearly forgot about the seat - gel-filled and very comfortable
indeed. Rather, it was very comfortable indeed right up until I gained
a bit of confidence and speed, and again fiddled with the gears. The
chain slipped as I was applying full weight on the pedals, and my
nether-regions and I were properly introduced to the saddle. Yow.

Here's a plea.
Over the next few weeks, if you see an overweight idiot in a white
crash hat, riding in an uncontrolled manner on a purple bike, please be
gentle with me.