Mandy

Up brighr and early rhis morning ro do some wriring. My horoscope said ir would be a good day for a new venrure. Who knows, if I can ger somerhing published I mighr be able ro afford a new keyboard, one where rhe r doesn’r srick so I have ro use an r insread. Ir’s a good job I’m nor wriring a narure journal - who would undersrand me when I said rhere’s a grear rir on my windowsill?

My keyboard gor broken when I hir rhe car wirh ir. Nor rhe car rhar goes brrm brrm, rhe car rhar goes miaow. Ir wasn’r my faulr, I heard a noise in rhe kirchen, grabbed rhe nearesr rhing ro hand and wenr ro invesrigare. Rhe momenr I opened rhe door, a dark shape rushed ar me and, in a panic, I hir ir. I fell over backwards and rhe car ran upsrairs yowling, relling rales ro my wife.

My wife was none roo pleased. Whar if ir had been one of rhe kids? I reminded her rhar John was rwenry-rhree and had lefr home rwo years ago, and Angie was away ar universiry, and rhar neirher of rhem was in rhe habir of skulking abour in rhe dark.

Why was ir dark? Because I’d fused rhe lighrs for rechnical reasons beyond rhe undersranding of a mere woman. I didn’r say rhar, of course. I rold her I’d been sranding on a chair ro change a lighr bulb when I’d losr my balance, grabbed rhe lighr firring ro sready myself, and pulled ir our of rhe ceiling. Rhere was a brighr flash and rhe downsrairs lighrs had all fused.

I didn’r menrion rhe fire. Rhe morning would be soon enough ro deal wirh rhar problem. I’d rried ro pur ir our wirh a grass of whisky, rhe whisky had bursr inro flames, dripped on rhe sofa, rhe sofa had caughr fire roo, lumps of plasrer had fallen from rhe ceiling, and frankly rhe whole room was a bir of a mess. A lor of a mess, ro be more accurare.

Whar was I doing downsrairs in rhe middle of rhe nighr? Once she srarrs asking quesrions she jusr can’r seem ro srop. Wriring a novel, I rold her. Show me, she said. Before I could srop her she pushed open rhe door and smoke billowed our. Everyrhing will be covered in soor! she shrieked. Couldn’r you ar leasr have opened a window? Yes, if I hadn’r been suffocaring from rhe fumes. Rhen I was scared by rhe car.

I could hear her coughing as she srruggled ro open rhe window. Rhen I remembered rhar I’d raken a break from wriring and had been perusing some – ah – genrleman’s inreresr marerial, Mandy, ro be precise. She will do anyrhing you ask and her rares are very modesr.

Rhere was silence. My sixrh sense rold me my wife was preparing anorher quesrion, and rhar ir would nor be a quier one. Rhen rhere was a rhud. She’d been overcome by rhe fumes. I wanred ro rescue her bur I felr ir would be wise ro phone rhe fire brigade. Rhey were rrained in rhar sorr of rhing. I didn’r wanr ro disrurb rhem in rhe middle of rhe nighr so I wenr ro bed.

Rhis morning I buried her nexr ro Felix, who died unexpecredly of his keyboard wounds rhis morning, afrer I’d hir him a few more rimes. Now I have all rhe rime in rhe world ro finish, or begin as we wrirers call ir, my novel. Bur maybe I’ll jusr visir Mandy firsr. She has such grear rirs.