Morning Therapy

Morning Therapy by Helen Wilkinson
30 March 1998

'It comes and goes like the tide. That's the only way I can describe it
doctor." Jake said in a desolate way. His sadness was fast becoming
depression interspersed with mild euphoria. He was scared of the
future. The dreadful memory of the previous Fall was constantly with
him. More often than not, it surfaced in his dreams - anxiety dreams.
He would frequently wake up in the middle of the night sweating, trying
to escape the nightmare only to be left shivering in the dark.

'Mmm' said Dr Gallinsky after a long reflective pause. 'I can see that
you are experiencing some anxiety about all this. Let's work with the
image of the sea. After all, you live near the Atlantic Ocean. What do
you feel about this vast expanse of sea? What does it make you feel
about your life?'

Jake was trying to ignore Dr Gallinsky's questions. The sea came in his
dreams a lot. He had loved the ocean once - the beauty of the waves,
building and building and the surf crashing nearby. Now he feared it.
The sea threatened to swallow him up. The tidal swells were just
becoming too great. It was menacing. The tide deceptive. It brought him
closer to his goals, only to then mercilessly drag him further away. He
was scared and he was angry that Dr Gallinsky wanted to talk about the
qualities of the sea when he simply wished it away.

So he sat in silence. The clock ticking by. He imagined that the
minutes were dollars. A lot of dollars went by. Eventually Dr Gallinsky
broke the silence. 'What if the sea went away? How do you think that
you would feel then?' By now Jake was intensely angry inside. Dr
Gallinsky had a way of gaining insight into his life and thoughts even
when he didn't talk. He felt there was no escape from him. 'If the sea
dries up, then that's no solution. I don't want my fears, my desire to
be rid of something, to invade my life. There has to be something else.
I have to conquer my fear, my anxieties. I must ride the surf again and
enjoy the power of the sea, without feeling threatened. I know this.
But most of the time I just wish it away.'

The sound of the doorbell punctuated Jake's attempt to engage in
conversation. Dr Gallinsky smiled in the way he always smiled -
knowingly - and rose from his chair. 'Well Jake, I'm afraid the sea has
beaten us to it again. It's taken away your time.' He handed Jake the
receipt. 'And my dollars' Jake thought, but was too afraid to say. Her
handed the check to Dr Gallinsky, picked up his coat and said
goodbye.

He was left wandering along Montauk Highway in a state of irritation.
He hated this small town which everyone else seemed to love. It was so
small and the Ocean, the sea, well it just came at him from all sides.
The very identity of the town was threatened in his view by the Ocean.
It engulfed the town - and defined it. He looked around him - Sea
Breeze restaurant, The Ocean Motel, The Ocean Caf?, best seafood in
Long Island. Sea, sea, sea. He could almost taste the bitterness of the
salty sea water in his mouth. Even the air he inhaled seemed full of
the atmosphere of the sea. Jake ambled home wending his way along the
Highway resolutely resisting the Ocean's call until he could no
more.

The house where he had lived since being a child was the most beautiful
and desired house in Montauk. True, it was somewhat tatty and needed a
good coat of paint but its view was unrivalled. The only sight of human
habitation to the left of it was that of Montauk's lighthouse first
built in 1795 at the request of George Washington. It was a house that
stood defiantly facing the elements. The roof was still in need of
repair from the tornado that had wreaked havoc last Fall, and the house
had the feel of faded grandeur, of being a shell of its former self.
And in a way it was. Only Jake lived there now. Both his mother and
father had died last Fall. As he stood out at the garden's edge, which
was in fact the cliff's edge, the sight of the swelling ocean took him
back in
time&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;..

Jake was tired and bored. He had had an argument with his father, a
weather beaten Montaukian who had lived there all his life and who
still eked out a meager living fishing. Jake was adamant that he was
not going to be tied to the sea in the way his father had been. His
feet were firmly anchored on the ground. But that night, he and his
father were clashing violently - the drink was part of the story. Sam,
Jake's father, had always been fond of his drink, but now at the age of
60, it had become, like fishing, a way of life. He was berating Jake
for not helping him fish and for failing to pay his way in the
household. (Jake had been unemployed for two years now - he had lost
his job at the Shagwhan, the best seafood restaurant in town, for
devouring a Manhattanite who had dared to wax lyrical about the virtues
of Montauk compared to New York. But Jake was not just being stubborn
that night. He'd heard warnings of tempestuous weather and freak
tornados. But Sam was in another place. He was adamant that tomorrow
morning, they should go fish, just as they always had done. In the end,
his mother had intervened and offered her services the next morning in
the hope that this would embarrass Jake into going with his father. But
Jake was unmoved. His mother's guilt trips no longer worked on him. He
was steadfast. He would not go&;#8230;&;#8230;..

As Jake stood out looking at the Ocean waves, he felt them draw him
deeper still into his
memories&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;.The next morning
he awoke to the sound of howling like he had never heard before. The
tornado was clearly visibly from his bedroom window - a few miles out
to sea. Immediately he thought of his parents. And then all he could do
was wait. Hours went by. He felt a creeping anxiety and a sense of
foreboding. It was not until the afternoon that the news finally came
through. 'Disappeared' he remembers the coastguard saying to him,
shaking his head. 'The boat's just disappeared. I think we have to
assume the tornado got them'.

Thrown back into reality by the sound of the back door flapping in the
sea breeze, Jake found himself looking again at the ocean. 'No, it
wasn't the tornado that got them. It was the sea. This devouring,
dangerous, menacing sea'. 'And' he thought 'it won't be happy until
it's got me too'. Jake looked at the tree that was at the foot of the
garden, hanging on for dear life. The collapsing cliff was making its
future less and less certain. It was only a matter of time before that
went, and fell to the shore, to be taken by the hungry ocean. Swallowed
up. There one day, gone the next. And it was, Jake, reflected, only a
matter of time before the very existence of the house was in question -
maybe ten years, perhaps less. But the damn sea would get them all in
the end. By now the sea breeze had given way to a gale and the ocean
waves were getting higher and higher. A few people were strolling along
the beach, but it was off season and still cold. Few were foolish
enough to brave the waves. Jake saw the coastguard's sign, the red
letters jumping out at him: 'Swim at your own risk'.

'Damn coastguards are even afraid of the sea. Can't control it' Jake
muttered as he headed back to the house. He passed by the kitchen store
where the fishing gear still lay. His wetsuit jumped out at him. It was
some time since he had worn it. In the eight months since the accident,
he had become a true man - his midriff had fattened out and as he
squeezed his torso into the suit, he wondered if he really needed it as
he struggled with the zip. All suited up and ready to go, he headed out
to the garden and descended down the wooden stairs that he had built
along with his father some years ago. Now they too hung precariously
on. There was no sand supporting the final stair, but as it was only a
footstep from the ground, it was relatively safe.

As Jake headed to the surf, a bemused passer by commented, 'Must be a
death wish to go surfing on a day like this.' And in a way it was. Jake
had reached the end of the line. Everything he had loved had been lost
to the sea, and the house was all that remained. And that too didn't
look strong enough to face the future with confidence. 'Well it's just
drawing me in.' Jake said, gritting his teeth. And then he dived in.
The passer by stood and watched him for thirty seconds, no more. But
within the minute Jake was gone - nowhere to be seen. He was lost in
the ocean waves. The sea had taken him after all.