N - Urgent Press Release

Urgent Press Release

Date: 19/07/01. Associated Press: Breaking news. Dorset, England.
Following is a transcript of taped call to emergency services. Tape
unedited and the names contained within are genuine.

Incoming call logged at 23:07 hrs.

Operator: Emergency services, which service do you require?

Caller: Fire.

Operator: And what kind of fire would that be, madam?

Caller: What?

Operator: What kind of fire? I have to know so I can connect you with
the right department.

(There is a pause on the tape.)

Caller: I don't understand&;#8230;

Operator: It's very simple. It's no good me directing your call to
firefighters who specialise in chemical fires, if your fire is
electrical.

Caller: But surely&;#8230;

Operator: It's very important madam.

Caller: It's a house fire. My house is on fire.

Operator: You only need to tell me once, madam. I'm a highly trained
professional. Now, where are you?

Caller: I'm in the bedroom.

Operator: Oh, madam is a comedienne. I mean your address.

Caller: It's 17 Jellicoe Drive, Friar's Cliff&;#8230;

Operator: Oh I know that area. It's really nice round there. You must
be loaded.

Caller: Look&;#8230;

Operator: Oops, you must forgive me. Here I am taking your address
without ascertaining the cause of your little domestic conflagration.
What must you think of me?

Caller: Do you really want to know?

(There is a pause on the tape.)

Operator: I think madam and I have got off on the wrong foot.

Caller: Look, Operator, seriously&;#8230;

Operator: Call me Nicky.

Caller: What?

Operator: Call me Nicky. I am a person as well as an Operator.

Caller: Okay, Nicky. My house is on fire, I'm trapped in my bedroom,
and my door is very hot to the touch. I don't know how long I've got
left.

(There is a pause on the tape.)

Operator: And your name is&;#8230;?

Caller: What?

Operator: You know my name, but I don't know yours. In this business
it's all about building a relationship with the caller. How can we
build a relationship based on trust if you don't tell me your
name?

Caller: Mrs. Stockton.

Operator: Mrs. Stockton. A nice name, but a little formal don't you
think? What's your first name?

Caller: Clara. Oh god, the door knob's glowing.

Operator: Sounds like we have no time to waste Clara. Okay, so, is it a
chip-pan fire or has some thoughtless smoker put your life at risk by
not properly extinguishing their cigarette?

Caller: I don't know. I was in bed reading and I thought I could smell
burning, so I looked out and saw flames at the bottom of the
stairs.

Operator: Hmmn. You weren't cooking then?

Caller: No. And I'm a non-smoker.

Operator: You're very wise Clara. I had an uncle who developed
emphysema. Very nasty&;#8230; Well, I suppose we could put it down
as an overloaded socket.

Caller: Great. Can you send the fire brigade now&;#8230;
please?

Operator: Just a few more details and we're done. See, we're getting
along famously now, aren't we?

Caller: Yes. Please, hurry.

Operator: Are you alone there or are there other people in the
house?

Caller: I'm alone.

Operator: Oh, I'm so sorry. Was it divorce? Did he have an
affair?

Caller: What?

Operator: You mustn't give up hope though. Plenty more fish in the sea.
Maybe you'll catch the eye of one of those dishy firemen. Wouldn't that
be a turn-up?

Caller: I'm not divorced. My husband's away on business.

(There is a pause on the tape.)

Operator: I see.

Caller: What on earth is that supposed to mean?

(There is a pause on the tape.)

Operator: Last few questions.

Caller: Thank God.

Operator: I'll ignore that Clara. This is obviously a very stressful
time for you, so I'll make allowances for your rudeness.

(Sobbing can be heard on the tape.)

Caller: Please&;#8230;

Operator: Is the fire very hot?

Caller: Yes.

Operator: How hot?

Caller: What?

Operator: On a scale from 'quite pleasantly warm to the touch' at one
end, to 'oh my God I've died and gone to the very burning bowels of
Hell' at the other, where would you place your fire?

Caller: Hell.

Operator: Okay, excellent. Only two more questions now.

Caller: Please hurry.

Operator: What colour are the flames?

Caller: Colour?

Operator: Colour. Orange? Red? Yellow?

Caller: I don't know. Hold on. There's a pane of glass above my bedroom
door.

(There is a pause on the tape. Whistling can be heard.)

Caller: Orange and yellow. Mostly orange.

Operator: Fantastic. I must say you're doing very well Clara. You
wouldn't believe how many people lose all control in your situation,
but you're a real trooper.

Caller: Please. There's smoke coming under the door.

Operator: Well that's great. This is the last question and it actually
concerns smoke. We're very lucky really. This should save us a bit of
time.

Caller: What do you want to know?
Operator: I need you to tell me how the smoke smells.

(There is a pause on the tape.)

Caller: What?

Operator: Is it an acrid smell? Does it burn your eyes? Do your very
lungs feel like they're being wrung out by a Filipino washer-woman? Or
perhaps it's a lovely, comforting smell, like the bonfires your
grandfather used to build for you outside in the garden.

Caller: How am I supposed to know what it smells like? It smells like
smoke.

Operator: Of course it does Clara. But I
assume you're across the room from the door. All smoke smells the same
at that distance.

Caller: Yes, but&;#8230;

Operator: No buts now Clara. I want you to go over to the door, get on
your knees, and take a big, deep breath. Then come back and tell me how
it smells.

Caller: If you're sure&;#8230;

Operator: Off you go, there's a good girl.

(There is a long pause on the tape.)

Operator: I think she's hung up on me, the silly cow. I hate prank
callers.

(The tape ends.)

End of report. Journalists on site are investigating. Details to
follow.