Our Green Thing

The Green Thing

The green thing was put in the Hubert's driveway after Neil Hubert died
and left his house to his nephew. Replace the kitchen, the carpet, and
the bathtub, the nephew said, and the renovators got to work. The green
thing was larger than two cars, and was supposed to hold all the junk
removed from the house. It arrived the day after the funeral, and was
rolled off a moving truck with the greatest of care. The neighbors
gathered to watch, and they stood for an hour around the green thing,
chatting about their regard for Neil Hubert. They offered potato chips
and beer to the men who brought the green thing, and the men accepted.
When they finished, they tossed the empty beer bottles into the green
thing and drove off. The neighbors went back to their own homes when
the sun went down.

The renovators came, and began their work. They tossed sinks and
toilets and swaths of old carpet into the green thing with relish; they
even made a ceremony of smashing the old bathtub with a sledgehammer
before tossing the jagged chunks. After lunch, they tossed drink cans
and sandwich wrappers in, and Kay Gratton thought she saw one of the
men urinating into the green thing. She wasn't sure. 'Well, shoot
fire,' she said, 'if they're gonna pee in it, I can toss my lawn
clippings in.' And she did. The neighbors waited to see if the
renovators would notice, but after one week, they had not. Bill Parker
said to hold off, just in case they felt guilty about maybe urinating
in the green thing. Not so fast, said Arthur Jackson, who confessed to
urinating in the green thing the night it arrived. 'I just wanted to,'
he said, 'and you ought to try it, too.'

They started to throw their garbage into the green thing. Bill Parker
threw in a broken water heater; Steve Gratton threw in some cardboard
and an old bicycle. Arthur Jackson poured in five gallons of old motor
oil and six empty paint cans. Charlie Mutch dumped an entire roasted
chicken, with potatoes, carrots, and peas, as his wife tearfully
shrieked apologies for burning dinner. On the second weekend, the men
sat in lawn chairs across the street and tossed in oranges and lemons
picked from their own trees. They had a block party, and at the end
they dumped hot charcoal briquets into the green thing. Arthur Jackson
urinated into it for 'the fifth or sixth time, I just can't friggin'
remember anymore, I've pissed this goddamned thing so much. Say, you
tried it, yet?'

By the end of the third week, the green thing was nearly full. A couple
of old tires, thrown in by someone on the next street over, were
sticking out from the top. Two men in a pickup truck with blacked-out
license plates backed up to the green thing, and they poured in a
cauldron full of grease that smelled like fried chicken. 'We need to do
something about that green thing,' Steve Gratton told his neighbors.
'Let's wait a couple of days,' said Bill Parker, and the next morning
the Parker family sofa and loveseat was protruding from the top of the
green thing as the Furniture-4-Less truck backed into the Parkers'
driveway. Charlie Mutch attached a sign that read, 'No Smoking Within
50 Feet.' The women started to shake their heads at the green thing,
but they still sent their children over with kitchen bags filled with
eggshells, coffee grounds, empty cans, and cat litter. The Parker
family was seen standing around the green thing in their Sunday best,
saying the necessary prayers for the soul of their deceased
Labrador.

The green thing was full. Nothing else would fit, save for a small twig
or an empty candy wrapper. The stench was overpowering. They called the
number on the side of the green thing and complained; the company
promised to look into the matter within a week. Charlie Mutch swore he
heard giggling on the other end of the line. The neighbors accused one
another of dumping the worst things, the things that caused the stench
and attracted the flies and cats. The Parkers moved into a hotel until
the green thing was hauled away. No one would drive on the street, not
even to deliver a pizza. The ambulance dispatcher told a cut and
bleeding Kay Gratton to be waiting on the corner.

And then, Refuse Solutions came and removed the green thing. Everyone
went outdoors and rubbed their eyes open. The men spread lime where the
green thing had been, and the women gathered in the street and said a
short, nondenominational prayer of thanks. They called the Parkers at
their hotel and said the coast was clear. The neighbors had another
block party, and they sat around affirming their regard for the memory
of Neil Hubert. They had a good, long laugh at themselves. Arthur
Jackson, the last to leave, stood, yawned, and relieved himself on his
wife's geraniums before going indoors.