The Pig
By docwatson
- 389 reads
The Pig
1943
It occurs to me that I have omitted to tell you the story of the pig.
It started during the war when a local person called at, shall we say
Phil's Caf?.
He had under his arm a very small Piglet, obviously the last and
smallest of the litter known to us country folk as the runt.
"Here he is" said the visitor. My mate and I watched with interest, we
were resting from our labours on motor patrol. Phil eyed the small
creature with doubt," He's not very big" he observed. "You wouldn't be
having him if he was" the other pointed out. Phil saw the point of this
argument, and gazed at us I shook my head that we didn't want to know
and they closed ranks.
Phil's boy who was serving teas stopped and went out for a cardboard
box and a towel as instructed in which to park the porker and we
left.
On the next call a day or two later Phil beckoned us and signed a trip
to the yard. He was waiting when we arrived and displayed a double pig
sty made of bomb damaged doors and containing two mighty midgets at
this time curled up together in the straw." I thought I might as well
take a chance on two of them while I was it.
I know the law and I know you so I haven't seen these"." Good lad, I
wont forget you and he didn't although he did not foresee why he would
have no chance to overlook the guardian of his peace. Some months has
gone by and the pig had passed from our minds when we called back for a
cup of tea during a night as black as Hades on closing day. We groped
our way through the blackout curtain into the comparative brilliance of
the cafe.
Phil was on duty as usual, I sometime wondered if he ever went to bed.
We called for tea and found a seat. We quietly sipped for a couple of
minutes when a lorry driver pushed his way past the blackout curtain
and went up to the counter. "What will it be" Phil queried," In a
minute" answered the driver," first of all does any one here own a
pig?" Phil pricked up his ears and glanced at us why, you want to buy
one?" No I don'ts the bloke said think I have just killed one that was
out for a walk in the blackout".
"You are in luck then, you'll have bacon for life" Phil told him with a
laugh, then his jaw dropped," Harry" he called to his son," Go and see
if the pig is all right". The lad shot off into the yard and came back
to say" He's gone Dad the sty is open".
I think then Phil wished he had bought a padlock. Must explain that
when constructing the sty he had just knocked in two nails and tied
them together with string. Mind you Phil had forgotten that the pig was
now huge and looked about the two hundredweight mark. No door can stand
that amount of bacon leaning on its bit of string.
Having recovered from the shock, Phil called for volunteers, adding,"
We need you two as you have torches" which was a laugh since they had
paper in the front and showed nothing at all. However we told him
seriously that its was our duty to check on a road accident which
didn't please him at all," Sub Rosa" was his motto where pigs were
concerned. Anyway about six of us pushed through the trap and made for
the scene of the crime. We found the body about fifty yards up the road
beside the kerb after one of the lads fell over it.
Phil had a look at him by the glow of our lamps," Dead as mutton" he
pronounced cheering up by the minute as he realised he had not lost a
pig. But just gained some bacon.
Since the lorry had not damaged the animal other than trying to push
it's head back to its tail end and tried to turn it inside out. We all
decided that there was not a lot we could do and started to drift off.
Phil had other idea's, "we can't leave it here" he said, "somebody
might pinch it".
"Pinch it? You 're joking" I told him, " It weights about half a ton,
even if they find it in this blackout"." they could carve his legs and
other bits off him" Phil counterded. He could see we were Weakening,"
I, LL see you all get a meal afterwards". Ok.
Lets get it on the grass, but this was easier said than done and all
our efforts to move it up the Kerb and onto the grass were unavailing.
In the end the driver who had started all this malarkey went for his
lorry, tided a rope around Percy's back leg and dragged him to safety
before some other lorry turned us all it to Bacon.
By this time someone had remembered the old coaster's barrow in the
yard and bough it down to the scene of the crime. We tried to sort of
scoop the lamented up onto the vehicle without, let me say, a great
deal of success, so it was back to the rope whist those who could get a
hold on the barrow, held it against the push of the pig and at last it
was in situ.
All was now plain sailing and with Phil walking a longside while the
rest of us pushed. We started along the wheel scarred grass, there was
the rub, because in the blackness of the night a wheel dropped into a
long rut going in another direction so that wheel went with it.
With a sigh the barrow sat down on Phil's side which was a pity because
it landed where he had just put his offside foot.
Anyone else would have said "Tut Tut or Bother but there it is, you
always get one don't you and he stood in the blackness, one foot under
the pig whilst quoting " The Caf? Keepers, Dictionary of Wicked Words"
from started to finish. Silly really because all he had to do was ask
us politely to get the flaming pig off his foot.
We struggled and got him free whilst the finer minded members suggested
cutting his foot off. I don't know why we bothered really because he
only sat and moaned. We talked for a minute or two of leaving him to
die beside the pig until somebody remembered the free meal so the lorry
driver got the tarpaulin from the lorry, we managed to load Percy on it
rope around, the middle and we had him in the yard in a trice.
Phil said "leave it there we will deal with it in the morning"." you
cant do that" said some clever, clogs" you have got to bleed it now
before the blood congeals".
We looked at this man with a new respect, here was a Master of Pig
bleeding first class and we never knew. "Right" said Phil; "you carry
on while I pour the tea out". Our M. of P.B hadn't come up on a banana
boat, Never mind the tea" he said, "Get the ham knife and while you are
gone we will hang him up on the tree in the middle of the yard ".
He untied the rope from the lorry, threw it over a branch and retied
it, ok drive forward he said and the body started on it's heavenly
journey, it was unfortunate really that the driver, in his zeal, kept
going a few inches too far, so that Percy's legs hit the branch and
stopped moving, sadly causing the timber department to sever its
connection with the tree and allowing Percy to make for terra firma.
Phil
Was almost quick enough to avoid being wounded and suffered only minor
injuries when he was sent flying by a blow on the shoulder. We left him
to suffer as we put the rope over the main crotch of the tree and tried
again.
"Right" said the Master "Now you cut his throat". Phil obeyed without
any great enthusiasm until the P.B specialists blade him, desist as he
pointed out "we are bleeding him not cutting his purple sprouting head
off. We had put a large wash tub under the beast and it was now
breakfast time. My mate and I walked in with one of the drivers who
commented, "We bring his so and so pig in for him put him right in all
the preparation and all he does is hold his foot and his head and
moan.
Now I'm starving "we cant stop any longer, I'll order my breakfast and
look after it till, I return "." That's ok when will you be back? I
grinned at him," about next Tuesday I reckons. As we entered the Caf?
Phil was enquiring of the Grandmaster as to the next part of the
proceedings. "Well now you have to lay it out and pour boiling water
over it. Scrub it clean and then more boiling water and scrape all the
bristles off it. I tapped him on the arm, How is he going to do
that?
The grand M look me over and changed his mind as to his answer, instead
he said politely " would you kindly sod off Policeman and guard our
shores while I impart my valuable experience to this waiter
person".
We ordered the supper we had no time for, safe in the knowledge that it
wouldn't be wasted and made for the hills in fact the nearest Police
Station to see if we had been missed. Fortunately no flat tyre story
was required and we drove on rejoicing. The next day after I got
cleaned up and polished off my breakfast, I got out the bike and told
the Mrs.
I had an enquiry to make, which was true of course. I rode the two
miles or so to the caf? propped up the machine and wandered in the back
gate. I had to laugh, Phil; mum and the boys were gainfully employed. A
large wooden tub bigger than the one we had left under Percy during the
night was being topped up with boiling water, while mum and the other
boys scraped busily at the pig. I drew near and watched
fascinated.
They scraped, threw down a safety razor and picked up another as Phil
changed the blades, "How long before you run out of blades? " I asked
him." Not yet anyway" he answered," I should have twenty thousand if I
haven't been twisted".
"That's will be the day " I told him he stood up, straightened his
aching shoulders and said "I know a bloke who wont get his share of
bacon if he's not civil".
So with that threat hanging over my head I got on the bike and went
home. I heard later that the joints were succulent, a bit whispery mind
but very tasty. I know a nice bit of boiling bacon smells pleasant when
cooking but it is too expensive for a poor copper.
Dennis Watson
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