Rainer Van

Lily. Skinny Lily with her boy-thin body. Rainer was sprawled on the
mattress, daydreaming. Lily was over by the mirror, by the window,
naked save for a pair of black socks. Rainer couldn't settle. He lay on
his back. He stared at the books in her bookshelf. She didn't own one
of them herself. The landlord left remaindered science fiction in all
of his tenant's rooms. He lay on his front with his arms stretched out
in front of him.

Lily was exercising, hands on hips. She was a dancer, a student at the
college. She was his girlfriend.

They lived in Leeds now.

She was from Liverpool originally. Rainer was from Manchester.

Rainer was in a band. They used to be called stunted pigs. Then they
became humble. Now they were the apparatchiks. When they were humble,
they asked the people who came to their gigs to only ever whisper their
name to others because they were a secret. Apparatchiks played louder
than humble. When they were humble, they shambled. Now they fuzzed like
a rocket in a puddle.

He was thinking about Jess.

Lily was touching her toes. She was thinking about class. She had a
class in forty minutes and she would miss it if she didn't scoot. Part
of her didn't want to go. If she didn't go, though, Rainer would start
to irritate her.

They'd had a sort of argument earlier in town. Which was bizarre and
weird in a typical way.

Rainer was dawdling. She'd walk along, talking about whatever, turn and
find he was fifty yards back down the road gazing in some window. He
wasn't even aware of where she was. She stomped over and fumed in a
misty glue. Rainer the fucking baby wouldn't even notice.

- Look at this, doll.

Some guitar. Some book. Some shirt for the gig.

Lily tugged his hand, yanked his coat sleeve. Said Rain'. I'm cold. Or
: I'm hungry. Or : Rain'. Come on. He would shrug and scowl at her, and
she knew he was thinking that he wished he had a girlfriend that was
interested in the things he was. They had days like this.

Some tramp outside Morrisons shoved a crabby hand in their direction.
Lily almost leapt out of the way, like she'd been scalded or offered a
ride on his scabby dick. Rainer didn't notice her, stopped and felt in
his pockets for change. Lily huffed and drew herself up in front of
him, said he'll only spend it on meths or shit. Rainer said shut up,
he'll hear you. Lily said Rainer's name quickly at pitch, fucked off.
He told her to shut up again and gave the tramp a quid.

She hit him outside the Merrion Centre. Told him he was a fucking cunt.
He wasn't roused. Sort of mumbled here we go under his breath. She was
just fury itself, the breath escaping her in little steamed flushes.
Part of her knew the whole thing was teenage and yet she still felt
tears, still wanted to be noticed, still wondered what the fuck she was
doing with this long-haired shite.

There was this whole moment where she stood staring at him - the knee
length combat jacket dotted with rags and patches, the raggedy-arse
jeans, the dock boots, the shoulder length blond hair, the anonymous
face (she was seeing a boy with an anonymous face - this was the kind
of thing that kept her awake after he fell asleep) - and he stood
staring at her - the shadow of her, the thinness of her, the way he
sometimes thought she would blow away in a strong wind, her pointy nose
and pointy eyes.

There was a bus ride in silence, and a walk from the Hyde Park cinema
up through the Brudenells hissing with contempt. Yet - weirdly,
typically - the instant the front door of her flat closed, they were on
each other, pulling at immobile clothes, digging tunnels. They did make
it to her bed, but they left clothes in a pile by the front door and up
the steps.

In her bed, Rainer said what if Kate comes back?

Kate was the girl Lily shared the house with. Rainer couldn't abide
her. She was boring and shallow and whenever they were out with her she
would get pissed and show her knickers.

They argue, they fall out, they fuck, they don't talk about the
argument.

Whenever they argue, Lily thinks looking for pants, thinking about what
she's going to wear, they never make up in the traditional sense. They
don't talk about what started it all. They leave everything until the
next time. Rainer seems to prefer this. He doesn't say anything about
it anyway.

For whatever reason, Lily doesn't go. She gets back into bed and they
cuddle and fall asleep. It's dark when they wake up. He can't see her
face but can tell from the tone of her voice she wishes he wasn't still
here. Lily can be cold sometimes. Her room is cold too.

- Did you leave the window open?

- Mmm.

Out of nowhere they are back in row.

- What, Rainer says. Fucking what?

He feels himself hissing at her like butter buring in a pan but can't
help himself. He doesn't want to be here now and he wishes her hand
wasn't on his belly. He doesn't want her anywhere near him.

- Just go, she says.

- Just go?

Rainer is angry at her but surprised she is mad with him. He had
expected her to be frightened by him starting. She didn't like it when
he got mad. She was always saying that. Please don't be mad but.

- What have I done?

She sulks up against the wall, gets her feet up against him. Tries to
kick him out of the bed. Which half works. The cold prods him too. He
says hey. Hey like a defence. He stands up.

- What is your problem?

- I want to be on my own - halfway through saying this she's bawling.
Yet when he tries to get close, she launches her foot out of the bed at
him again.

- I want to be on my own I said.

Lily is sat up with her bare back against the wall.

- Fine.

Rainer is looking for the clothes, stumbling about in the dark, not
wanting to give her the satisfaction of putting the light on.

- Fucking fine.