ROBBED IN BROAD NIGHTLIGHT

ROBBED IN BROAD NIGHTLIGHT
A tale of Christmas?By George

The police department of an average middle-class urban community
received a 911 call slightly after sunrise on Christmas Day. The
purpose of the call was a burglary alert.
No units responded to the call due to the fact they were all on
doughnut break. The first available unit arrived before the others. Two
uniformed officers disembarked their patrol car and walked up several
steps onto the porch.
After knocking on the front door several times without a response they
fired a warning shot and casually kicked the door open. The door was
one of those heavy huge solid oak jobs. As it swung open the officers
immediately dropped to the floor and grabbed their broken legs in
agonizing pain.
The next arriving unit, seeing the apparently slain patrolman, called
for back-up and took defensive positions. Other units heeded the call
and surrounded the house. A SWAT Team arrived in full battle
gear.
Just as the protectors were about to serve a barrage of bullets and
teargas into the home an elderly woman in a nightgown, petticoat, and
curlers appeared in the doorway.
"I can take her out!" said one of the SWAT Team sharpshooters as he
peered through the telescopic sights of a high-powered, air-cooled,
semi-automatic, spit n shined elephant gun with a high tech silencer
and forty gig hard drive. "She'll never know what hit her!"
"Wait till she makes a definite, undeniable, recognizable, justifiable
bad move," said the officer in charge, Captain Midnight, "We don't want
another incident like last time."
Suddenly the woman raised her arms.
"She has a weapon!" yelled a near-sighted cop.
"It's a hair dryer!" yelled the officers on the floor at her
feet.
"Hold your fire, Men!" commanded the leader.
"What is going on here?" asked the woman obviously dazed and confused.
"Someone broke my door?should I call the police?"
"We are the police," said one of the downed officers proudly as he held
his leg in pain.
"Did you break my door?"
"Ah?no?we found it like that. The burglars must have done it."
"What burglars?"
"Didn't you phone in a 911 Burglary alert?"
"Yes."
"Well?Duh!"
"It wasn't for me. It was for my neighbors next door. They couldn't
call because the robbers stole their phone.
"Wrong address!" yelled the crippled cops, "It's the house next
door!"
In the wink of an eye the elite team shifted their positions to the
neighbors house.
"What about my door?" yelled the woman.
"Take it to Judge Judy," said the last cop as he hurried off.
At the other house similar results occurred. No one answered knocks on
the door. The door was kicked in. Two officers were down. And the place
was surrounded.
Just as they were about to serve a barrage of bullets and teargas into
the home an elderly woman in a nightgown, petticoat, and curlers
appeared in the snow to their left.
"I can take her out," said the SWAT Team sharpshooter.
"Delay that shot," said the captain, "That woman looks familiar?I think
I know her?"
Suddenly the lady raised her arms.
"She has a weapon!" yelled the nearsighted cop.
"It's a hair dryer," said the sharpshooter.
"What's she doing with a hair dryer way out here?" asked the
captain.
"Must be a cordless," said the shooter.
"What's going on here?" the woman asked.
"Aha! I knew I knew her!" yelled the captain, "That's the old bag from
next door."
"You have a good memory, Sir," said a butt-kissing lieutenant.
"This isn't the house," yelled the woman, "This house was robbed last
Christmas. It's been empty all year. You want my neighbors on the other
side."
"Is everyone here out of their minds or is it just me?" yelled the
outraged captain. "I have four men down and we haven't even reached the
right house yet!"
"What about my door?and their door?"
He ignored her completely as he shouted commands, "All units disembark
your positions around this house and re-embark around the house on the
other side of the first house!"
They started to scramble.
"Wait a minute?one more thing?Don't kick in any doors."
"What about my door?" yelled the lady as they sped away.
As the captain arrived at what he hoped was the final destination he
was delighted to see the inside inhabitants were outside waiting to
greet him.
"Did they hit ever house on the block?" asked the man of the
house.
"I'm not at liberty to divulge that information. I'm Captain?ah, Smith.
From here on in you can refer to me as Inspector."
"Inspector Smith?"
"No, just Inspector."
"What happened, Inspector?"
"I'll ask the questions if you don't mind?what happened?"
"Come in and see for yourself. They cleaned us out. Look at that?the
downstairs is empty!"
"Whoa!" said one of the cops who wandered into the kitchen, "They even
took the refrigerator! Do you have any doughnuts?"
"Just do your job, Rookie, I'll handle the questioning," scolded the
captain. "Folks this is the first time I've ever been to your house, so
I must ask?Was there anything there before?"
"Yes!" said the father, "All of our downstairs stuff."
"You're sure of that?"
"Yes?pretty sure," he said as he and his family shook their heads in
restrained agreement.
As they talked the detective wrote in a very small notepad. So small
in fact he had to turn a page after almost every word.
"Now listen carefully. This is very important. When was the last time
you saw your stuff?"
"We're not sure exactly?"
"You're not giving me much to go on."
"We think it was there when we went to bed?"
"Do you have any idea who might have taken it?"
"Santa Claus," said the youngest child void of expression.
"It wasn't Santa Claus!" snapped the dad, "Santa doesn't drive a U
Haul!"
"They had a U haul?"
"Yes, Inspector. We saw it drive away."
"I don't suppose you got the license plate number?"
"No."
"Did you notice any identifiable markings?words or anything like
that?"
"Yeah?U haul!"
The captain made a note and turned a page.
"No forcible entry," said an investigator, "No broken windows, no
jimmied locks, nothing."
"Is that so?" said the inspector as he quickly turned facing the family
and stated, "This is an inside job! One or more of you is the thief or
thieves!"
They all pointed at each other and said, "He did it!" or "She did
it!"
"It wasn't one of us," said the dad, "We know how they got in."
"How?"
"They came down the chimney."
"What?"
'You better let me tell you the whole story."
"OK."
"Last night, Christmas Eve, we got ready for Santa. We knew he wouldn't
come until we were all asleep, so after the kids left milk and cookies,
I gave them a mild sedative and me and the wife had several hot
toddies. Soon we were nestled all snug in our beds as visions
of?"
"Yeah, yeah?I get the picture?go on."
Shortly after midnight I arose to quite a clatter. I woke my wife to
see what was the matter. We heard Santa's sleigh landing on our roof
and the sound of reindeer hoofs. We were excited!"
"I'll bet you were?ah, Jones, go check the roof. Tell me folks, did you
hear sleigh bells?"
"Now that you mention it, I think we did hear sleigh bells."
"Ok?go on."
"There was a lot of commotion and we soon heard a rumbling in the
chimney which passes through our bedroom."
"Someone check the chimney!"
"There was no way me and the little woman were going back to sleep. Our
hearts were a fluttering as we listened for hours as Santa moved about
downstairs. We heard voices and realized he brought his elves for help.
He must have been bringing us a lot, we thought."
"Check everywhere down here for fingerprints, footprints and
elfprints!"
"What are elfprints, Captain?" asked a Crime Scene Investigator.
"You call yourself an investigator? Elfprints are little tiny
footprints that curl up at the ends where their little toes go. Go on
with your story folks."
"As we listened we were giggling and hugging but afraid to move for
fear of scaring Santa away."
"That makes sense."
"We were both confused when we heard the front door slam shut."
"Check the front door for prints, etc."
"That's when I got up, looked out the window, and saw the U Haul
driving off. I ran downstairs and noticed the furniture was gone. I ran
upstairs and asked the wife if we were having anything reupholstered.
She disavowed any knowledge of it, so I ran back down and saw
everything was missing, including the gifts Santa had just brought. I
was a bomb catcher in the military so I knew that I had to move
quickly. The phone was missing so I ran to Miss Pringle's house to call
911. She didn't have it on speed dial so I had to punch it in manually
which took more time."
"Ah, that may have been the difference in us catching them or not,
Sir."
"Darn! Why can't that old woman adapt to modern technology?"
"Now let me get this straight?you sat up in bed and listened as they
stole your entire first floor?"
"We are not fools, Inspector. I'm a top executive with a major
corporate eating conglomerate, and my wife teaches at three
universities. We are miles ahead of the average intellect. There is a
completely logical explanation for our actions."
"And that is?"
"We thought it was Santa!"
Officer Jones returned from the roof, "I found helicopter tracks on the
roof, Captain."
The entire family was shocked at the news, "Santa flies a helicopter?"
they asked harmoniously.
"No you idiots! Santa doesn't fly a helicopter, and he didn't bring you
any toys. The sounds you heard on the roof was the crooks helicopter
landing, not Santa's sleigh."
"We heard reindeer!" said the father.
"I checked the chimney," said a cop with a face blackened with soot,
"It's been used recently?no prints."
"They entered through the chimney. The reindeer hoofs you heard was
them walking on the roof to the chimney."
"No prints downstairs," said another cop.
"Nothing outside," said yet another.
"I'm not surprised. These are professionals. It looks like they got
away clean."
"Not quite," said the youngest child.
"What do you mean, Tiny Tim?" the father asked.
"I made chocolate cookies for Santa and left them on the table in the
kitchen. They're gone, so they obviously ate them. I wanted to get even
with Santa for bringing me coal last year."
"Son, let's be realistic here," said the father defensively, "You were
not a good boy last year."
"Don't interrupt him," said the Inspector, "Go on Son, tell us how you
got even with Santa."
"I put a whole box of Exlax in the cookies."
"Oh, My God!" yelled the father as he ran for the bathroom.