The Secret To Success In Courtship And Marriage,

"In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages
likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to
become unhappy". -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA

When Japanese government officials conceived building an airport in
Narita, little did they know that the airport will later come to be
associated with divorce. Even the engineers and architects who dreamt
up the plan, forgot to dream about wedlocks and goodbyes. Morpheus, the
god of dreams, did not remember it to them.

Now, the term, Narita divorce has been coined for the newlyweds who on
arrival at Narita Airport after a honeymoon, immediately head to the
court to file divorce papers. Bad word!

Marriages have been known to hit the rocks, the night after the weeding
day. Some may wait to happen after the birth of the first child, while
others may choose to divorce after their golden jubilee.

The story of broken marriages -- marital bliss turned marital misery,
is worldwide. And this is happening despite an army of psychologists,
psychiatrists, clergymen and other counselors offering advice on
marriage, including a horde of publications on the subject. People have
even written best-sellers, offering advice on broken families. Ask
Inyanla Vanzant, the author of the book, YESTERDAY I CRIED.

Let's get some statistics. Britain has the highest divorce rate in
Europe (4 out of 10 marriages), Canada and Japan (1 out of 3
marriages), Zimbabwe (2 out of every 5 marriage) and Spain (1 out of 8
marriages.) Also in Australia, divorce rates has quadrupled since the
1980's, and in the United States and other lands, teenage mothers, and
children born out of wedlock, has been on the rise.

In other countries, like Germany, the traditional family has totally
been abandoned. In that country, single persons and individuals account
for a majority of the families. And in France, people are marrying
less, and divorcing more.

The effect of broken families -- the oldest human institution -- is
already telling on us. What with the violence that we see around us
today?

Family disintegration has led to the fall of great empires like Rome
and Greece. May it not lead to the end of our civilization!

But why are married couples increasingly getting divorce certificates
or simply living as roommates, or what has been called emotional
divorce? Because they started their marriages with the wrong foot. And
head to the wrong people to seek advice -- marriage counselors.

These series of articles will help you to get your marriage to a good
start, and stay married. Because it will tell you God's view about
marriage. And since God is the creator and originator of marriage, he
is the best authority on this matter.

In these series, you will find answers to questions that you may have
asked such as: How can I find a compatible mate? What are the rules of
dating? How do I know if I am ready for marriage? What happens on the
wedding day? What is needed for a successful marriage? How should
disagreements be settled? What is my role in the family? How can a
husband get his wife's respect? Why does a wife need her husband's
love? Who is the decision maker? What about the children? And many
more. . .

But first; folks, let us look out for the dangers in a marriage.
Knowing these dangers, like a sailor knowing the location of the hidden
rocks under the sea, will help you to find success in your courtship
and marriage, sex and happiness.

So, what are they?

(To be continued)

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"It seems much easier to fall in love than to stay in love." --DR.
KAREN KAYSER.

Would you want to marry in haste and repent at leisure? No, folk. May
that not be your destiny. But you see, marriage is like a packed
theater with some uninterested spectators wanting to get out, and other
interested ones waiting outside, wishing to get in.

If you think though that marriage can solve all of your problems, you
are mistaken. Ask a married friend. But it can give you a measure of
security and satisfaction if you play by the rules.

But we forget the rules, before we rush into matrimony. And when a
sailor forgets his navigation rules, he suffers a shipwreck.

You see, people enter into marriage relationships with little or no
preparation. If you were entering the university for example, you will
be asked to sit for a qualifying exam. You may even be asked to show
other supporting qualifications like the TOEFL if you were heading for
a U.S. university.

But these are small things compared to the permanent relationship of
marriage. Yet the only requirement in the marriage registry is your
signature. Nothing else.

However, there are dangers to watch out for just before you append your
signature to that marriage certificate. And what are they?

Failed Expectations

People think of marriage as a kind of fiction story where the
characters 'live happily ever after.' But it is never so. Because the
great expectation of your Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming may turn
out to be a bad dream. The love, attention and support that you badly
craved before marriage may turn out to be a tale of rejection and
disillusion.

Incompatibility

You may also discover after the marriage that both of you are poles
apart -- with different interests. Those characteristics which were
hidden before the marriage now becomes manifest. And it becomes a story
of 'if I had known.' (No thanks to mismatch and your beguiling
mate!)

Conflict

Your Happy Valley or Fortunate Isles, now turns to be a battlefield of
squabbling, fighting, and God forbid -- physical violence. The very
sweet words, like honeycombs which were used to win your hand in
marriage now become weapons of abuse and 'war'.

Apathy

It may be that you will one day find yourself saying: 'I am no longer
interested'. And then the marriage drags on and on, like a factory
worker tolerating a bad job -- to keep body and soul together. And one
day, apathy turns to hate, and you find yourself telling your partner
that the 'game' is up!

Money

Do not deceive yourself thinking that money will make you happy. It
does the opposite, says Paul Getty the American millionaire.

Now suppose there is bickering over money in a joint venture? Or
suppose your previously rich spouse now suffers financial misfortune?
And you who were used to summer holidays in the Virgin Islands, and
cruising in yachts in the Mediterranean now see poverty and hardship
staring at you in the face? What will you do?

Parenthood

You may find out that the love you had for your mate now begins to drop
when children start coming in. The reason may be that you no longer
have time for each other, or your mate is now getting old. Is it time
to sue for divorce?

Deceit

It may vex you to find out that you are living with an infidel, a
betrayal of trust, and not a friend and confidant. Now, suppose you
find out that your mate lied to you about his or her history before the
marriage? Or what if you find that your mate was cheating on you
-committing adultery?

Sex

Suppose your partner starts depriving you of sex? Or what if sex, which
was supposed for enjoyment now becomes mechanical? Some have even used
sex as a bargain tool -- buy me a Swiss gold watch, and I will give you
sex!

Some wives have woken up after the wedding day to find out that their
husbands were impotents, or eunuchs. Husbands have also been told by
their wives that they would die if they had sex together. Because they
have husbands who satisfy their sexual desires in the spirit world!
What would you call that?

Superstition

This may also affect your marriage depending on where you live.
Barrenness, miscarriages, unseen attacks, deaths and broken marriages
have been supposedly caused by wicked spirits. Does this bother you?
Maybe not. But know that wicked spirits exist.

Inlaws

If you allow your inlaws to intrude into your family, they may ruin
your marriage. Both of you are now one, and should be able to solve
your marital problems without frequenting your parents, or relations
for advice.

Friends

What kinds of associates do you and your mate have? Are they
unwholesome friends? They will not help your marriage. Know that bad
company can corrupt good manners.

These are some of the things may shipwreck a marriage. They may not be
the case with your family. But know that there is no perfect family on
this earth. So there must be one kind of problem or the other in your
family. Now what are required to make a marriage successful?

(To be continued)

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"How do you tell legitimate hope from unfounded hope? By looking
carefully at the facts". -- DR. HOWARD HALPERN

If you were asked to mention the qualities you want in a mate, no doubt
you will list all the wonderful human qualities on earth. Perhaps you
will not forget to mention that you will like your mate to be loving
and caring. Well, that is good.

But you start the wrong way. You should have started by asking yourself
if you possesses those angelic qualities in your master list. For
example, ask yourself: Am I loving and caring?

You see, everyone looks for different qualities in a mate. For
instance, what appeals to me, may not apppeal to you. No wonder it is
said that what is "one man's meat is another man's poison".

This reminds me of one beautiful lady who loved Socrates the Greek
philosopher for his intelligence, and asked for his hand in marriage.
She reasoned that they would make excellent children. Because their
children would combine her beauty with Socrates' intelligence.

But the beautiful lady, a dullard who could not add one and one, forgot
something which the ugly Socrates reminded her. 'What if our children
combine your empty brain with my ugly face?' he asked. And that ended
it.

So, it means that we should look for a rounded mate. One quality alone
is not enough. And we too should posses qualities that our mate should
look at and admire. But what questions should you first ask
yourself?

Am I willing to make a life long commitment to my partner? Matthew 19:
6

You don't marry today with the view to divorcing tomorrow, if things
don't go your way. Marriage is a life long commitment. God hates those
who abandon their mates. -- Malachi 2: 13-16.

Am I now physically mature to make sound judgment? -- 1 Corinthians 7:
36

Picture teenage couples in a matrimonial wedlock. These ones are still
going through changes in their life. Lack of any life experience,
coupled with the strong sexual desires incidental to their age, will
distort their thinking and judgment.

Do I have traits that will help me to contribute to a successful
marriage? -- Galatians 5: 22, 23.

You should try to cultivate those qualities that you want of your
marriage mate. Compatibility is the word. But know that even twins are
not exactly identical. So don't even think of marrying a relative in
order to make the best out of marriage. And don't think you can change
anyone. That is wishful thinking. Try changing yourself first!

Do I have the maturity to support a male in difficult times? --
Galatians 6: 2.

It is not the time to play the blame game when problems arise. You will
agree that we live in difficult times, and this calls for maturity in
handling issues. That is why you are two. -- Ecclesiastes 4: 9,
10.

Am I a cheerful and optimistic person? -- Proverbs 15: 15

If you are a critical, gloomy and negative person, marriage will not
change you. Instead you are going to strain the marriage. Why not add
some humor to your life by being cheerful and optimistic.

Remember, such character repels, and is dangerous to your health.

Do I exercise self control? -- Galatians 5: 19, 20.

One who cannot control his temper is a dangerous person. He can be
violent, and may even kill before realizing it. Would you like to marry
and end up in jail for murder? -- Ephesians 4: 26.

Questions to ask of your prospective mate.

Let's say he is a male, although some of these questions may well apply
to a female. What would you want of your male partner?

Does he have a good reputation? -- Philippines 2: 19: 22.

Yes, the way a man is viewed by others, including those under his
authority will enable you to know the kind of reputation that he has.
Unfortunately, most good women marry bad men. -- See 1 Samuel 25: 3, 23
- 25

Does he have good morals?

Find out if the man you intend to marry is pretentious. Perhaps he
wants to get you just to satisfy his sexual desires. Such persons think
of themselves first. They do not even fear God.

Does he treat me kindly? -- Ephesians 5: 28, 29.

A kind husband would treat his wife in like manner. He trusts and
praise his wife; he is not excessively jealous and is moderate in his
expectations of her. Would that not be how you want your future husband
to treat you?

Does he respect his family members?

Also find out how your prospective mate treats his parents and
relatives. If he is rude to his family members, then you should expect
trouble from him. But if he is respectful and obedient to his parents,
then expect him to treat you lovingly after the marriage.

Does he allow anger to control his life?

Many families have been ruined by violence. So if your prospective mate
is given to fits of anger, that is a clear indication of danger. A
woman who marries such a man will be subject to verbal and physical
abuse. Do you call that marriage?

Does he have right goals?

Find out if your future mate has attainable or visionary life goals.
For example, does he want to be a millionaire? Will it do him good? Or
is it his goal to serve God?

So the above questions will help you to scrutinize your mate in order
for you to find out if such one has the qualities that are needed to
make a successful marriage. Try to look beyond the wedding day. For you
are going to live with this person all the days of your life.

But now, how can you have a successful courtship?

(To be continued)

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"Most marriage failures are courtship failures" -- PAUL H. LANDIS

And that`s true. A good courtship makes a good marriage. But the
problem is that some do not even know the purpose of courtship, and
when to begin it.

Most courtships are no less than crushes -- an infatuated love for a
favorite teacher, pop star or some other celeb. And this starts earlier
in girls than in boys.

These daydreamers, however, end up sick and depressed. Because the
truth is that they may never get to meet such one in person, all their
life. Even when they do, there is little chance that the love they
crave for such 'idols' will be returned. In most cases those 'idols'
are not even aware of your 'love'.

So be real about your date. And this would involve asking yourself some
personal questions that will help you to find out if you are not
deceiving yourself. These questions are: How well do I really know this
person? Am I blinded to his personal flaws? Is the person perfect? Have
I fallen in love with an image? Would I ever get to meet this person in
my life?

If the answers you get make you think that you are on the wrong road,
put your automobile in the reverse, fast. Do things that will keep you
busy. Stop romanticizing. Seek help from your parents, or
friends.

Then someday, you will find the 'real love,' and your right date. But
before you start seeing each other, you have to be warned of the dark
side of dating.

The Dangers of Dating

Do not date for fun. Dating should start when you are ready for
marriage. In fact it is part of the process of getting the right
marriage mate.

Teenagers and others who dated for the fun of it, have ended up
committing sexual immorality before knowing it. It normally starts with
holding hands, an innocent kiss, then fondling with intimate body
parts, and finally, sex.

Then one day the relationship breaks up, leaving the couples to suffer
the emotional trauma. Some end up in hospital beds, or psychiatric
homes, some commit abortions while others commit suicide. Others live
for life with a wounded conscience. Would you want that to happen to
you? Of course not.

Dating itself is not wrong. But it is wrong to date for the wrong
reason. The following questions will help you to have a successful
courtship.

Why am I dating?

It is okay if you are dating with marriage in view. But it is wrong
when you are just flirting around with a member of the opposite sex,
just to get attention.

Would dating help me to grow emotionally?

Limiting yourself to be boy-girl relationship will hinder your social
and emotional development. This will help your maturity and better
prepare you to select a mate.

Do you want to hurt yourself?

If you pursue an unrealistic relationship, you will hurt yourself
later. You may be disappointed by the other person. And it may take you
some time to regain your composure.

What do my parents and others say about the relationship?

Your friends, or parents may draw your attention to the dangers in your
relationship. Would it not be wise for you to take a hard look at the
facts, and pack it up? After all, they have affection for you, and your
parents who are older and wiser, should know better.

Will I be able to keep my courtship honorable?

This means that your relationship should not cross from seeing each
other, to having premarital sex. So if your date decides to call off
the relationship, you would still have kept your chastity and moral
integrity intact. The reverse is bad news.

The following are the rules of dating.

Do not date until you are old enough and ready to get married.

Do not date someone you don't love.

Keep your relationship chaste.

Do not go to your date alone. Have a chaperon by you.

Be properly dressed, and be on time when you visit your date.

Keep your visit informal and relaxed. Converse and listen well.

Try to know as much as possible about your date.

Do not dodge sensitive matters. Discuss them.

In your discussion, find out how you are to live. Ask questions like
these: Where are we to live? How many children shall we have? What type
of birth control method shall we use? What is your role in our
marriage? What type of work shall we do? How are we going to save our
money? Do you have any health problem? Did you live a promiscuous sex
life? Can we do a medical check up? Are you owing money? What are your
life or religious goals? And many more. . .

Spend time with your mate in recreation and working together. Do daily
chores like shopping, cooking, cleaning, and washing -- practical
things that will help you later in the marriage, and see how your mate
fares.

Watch to see how your mate treats his parents and friends.

Observe him when in the company of other people.

Watch him unobserved.

Do not be hasty in your courtship. If there are flaws in the person you
are dating or flaws in the relationship that you think you cannot live
with, break it up.

But now, how do you know that you are ready for marriage?

(To be continued)

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"Those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against
them". --PROFESSOR MARCIA LASSWELL.

Are you ready for marriage? Hold your answer until you know whether you
are qualified to go into it. First know that there is nothing like
trial marriage. When God instituted the first marriage between our
first parents, Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, he did not tell them
to try it first, and dump it afterward. It was for life; and nothing
would break it excerpt adultery, or perhaps death. (Genesis 2: 18, 23,
24; Matthew 19: 3 - 9) So know that this union is for life, and that
you will even go through 'tribulations' in course of the marriage. -- 1
Corinthians 7: 28.

Now how do you answer the following questions:

Do I have great expectations?

That is the first major problem. Because you are not going to see that
wonderland that you expected after the honeymoon. The scales will fall
from your eyes. Consider these life experiences.

'We thought that we could come and go, do as we pleased, . . . but it
isn't that way'.

'Many teenagers get married to play house. . . . but that's not the way
it is'.

'After I got married I found out that the great thrill of sex wears off
very soon and then we started having real problems'.

So do not have great romantic expectations. Childhood marriages --
physical immaturity, may blur your vision and understanding of married
life.

Am I ready for my roles?

Some people enter marriage without even knowing their roles in the
family. The husband fails to provide material support, and the wife
neglects her housekeeping role.

Married men are reported to be still hanging out late at night,
drinking with friends, away from their wives. Even those who work hard
to maintain the family are frustrated. 'This is hard work' said one.
'Will I ever get some relief?'

Can I solve money problems?

This is the greatest cause of marital problems. Some can not provide
money to support the family, and where money is available, the problem
is overspending. In the end, families have become heavily indebted,
while others pack to live with their parents. In extreme cases, divorce
becomes the solution.

Do I have a compatible mate?

Being compatible does not mean that you and your partner must agree on
everything under the sun. Or that your mate should be able to play
baseball since you are a baseball star. No.

But if you are miles apart on almost everything -- work, recreation,
attitude, and beliefs, you should know that you are not equally
matched.

Consider one woman who thought that her marriage must work because her
partner was 'so handsome, so strong, such a good athlete and very
popular'. Was she being realistic? No. She was dreaming of Shangri-La,
or building castles in the air, as they say. The marriage
collapsed!

Have I thoroughly examined myself?

So ask yourself if you are the type that can make vows and keep them.
Ask if your goals in life will affect your marriage. Find out if you
can support or manage a household. Check to see if you are mature to
handle trials that will surface later in the marriage.

If your answers are positive, if you think that you have the physical,
mental and spiritual maturity to go into marriage, then ask yourself
this question; what are the keys to family happiness? Do you know
them?

Now, let`s see.

(To be continued)