Size Matters

Size Matters

The guy who said "size doesn't matter" was short, fat and had a very
small penis. The girl who said "size doesn't matter" was 8ft tall, had
a bum the size of two space hoppers and was completely fat
chested.

Of course, size does matter. It shouldn't matter because we're all
highly intellectual, sophisticated and mature people who can look past
the physical appearance of a person - even if they are REALLY fat and
blocking out all the sun. However, the hard truth is that 98\% of us
aren't highly intellectual, sophisticated and mature people and we do
care. We care a lot. Don't forget that although we have cars, light
bulbs and digital radio we are still animals. 98\% of our genetic
make-up is the same as that of a jellyfish - which probably explains
the whole lack of intelligence, sophistication and maturity thing.
Light bulbs or no light bulbs, digital radio or no digital radio we are
all animals inside. We are just li'l wild animals running around
fighting for survival: scratching our fleas, sharpening our nails and
licking our arses. For humans, like the rest of the animal kingdom,
size matters. The leader of the wolf pack isn't the one with the PhD or
the "great personality" it's the one that could rip a sheep to shreds
like an under-paid surgeon on the NHS.

In this new liberal world that I keep yapping on about, how many
freaking TV programmes are there with fat people fighting to lose
weight? The "Health Discovery" channel seems to show nothing but
morbidly obese Americans on a running machine and "Woohoo&;#8230;
watch the flubber fly!" Fat people are taking up all the room, not only
on bus and cinema seats, but on TV too?!? Amazing. One of the puzzles
that regularly keeps me up all night is the mystery of how really fat
people cope with being so&;#8230; fat. Isles on coaches or
aeroplanes for example, they aren't exactly designed for the rounder
figure. I myself have discoved that if you put an apple in one pocket
and a Walkman in the other, you have the do an odd kind of side-canter,
hopping from left to right like a leprechaun to get down to the isle.
Now imagine I'm 4 inches bigger. Well, no problem, I just take out
apple and Walkman and leprechaun dance down the isle. But what if I was
6 inches bigger? I'm stuck. Can't move, can't move. What do I do? I
really want to know how wide people actually manage to move around on
buses and such. I would ask someone but I have a sneaky suspicion that
they might get offended and sit on me.

It's not just weight either that people are in a fit about. In a way
weight is the easy thing, because unless you're the 0.0001\% that has
an actual medical problem then you can skim a few stones just as easy
as chucking a couple of pebbles at the beach. Personally I think height
is the real killer. I myself am rather short but it's okay for me
though because I'm a girl and short girls are okay whereas short guys
are freaks. Sorry. Height is the one thing you can't really change.
People have suggested a million and one ways of making yourself appear
shorter or taller using stripy t-shirts in different directions but it
won't change it for real. High-heels are fine except that if your short
and you are a guy you'll just make yourself more freakish. So unless
you're a tall woman willing to have your legs chopped off and have your
feet reattached at the knee or you're a guy willing to be stretched by
a 18th century torture weapon until all your bones are disjointed then
you are&;#8230; stuck. Stuck short.

Then there's whole bodily parts size bit. I have never understood why
men love their dicks so much. I also don't understand why men feel it
compulsory to measure their dicks. I mean, why? They are only going to
lie about the size later so why bother with the ruler? You don't get
many women who if asked their bra size they double it. Okay, so that's
probably because most the time someone asks a woman her bra size is
because she's shopping for lingerie but that is so not the point.
However, I do think that women are just as obsessed with their boobs as
men are (!) Why else would there be so many woman running off to glue
bits of rubber to themselves or having a surgeon pump gel into their
dear old breasts. How long until some woman has her boobs enlarged so
much that she will topple over if she stands up? Gee, I guess it's okay
for anyone called "Holland". But for anyone else - It's complete
madness! Personally I would rather lick the bowels of a baboon with
piles that have some back-street madman stick a plastic tube into my
chest and inject me with Jell-O. Once cooking dinner, I found myself
stuffing liquidize mushrooms into a chicken fillet and I'm guessing
that the closets I'll ever get to a boob job.