The ultimate Option

Suicide is not difficult; or at least not as difficult as they say.
The thought sprang to his mind while standing almost a hundred feet
above the ground, on the roof of the tallest building in the city,
looking down at the people in the street, busy in their daily grind,
with their thoughtfully drooping heads and bowed shoulders. He had long
thought about committing suicide, but until now, had not felt compelled
enough for the idea to materialize into action. Today, finally, he had
made up his mind, come out of his home, and climbed the stairs of this
high building. He knew its height was sufficient not to allow any
possibility of failure in his plan. His firm steps and confident
posture revealed his solid determination.

He threw a final glance at the city stretching beneath and all around
him. It was the same city where he was born thirty years before. The
same heartless and cruel city responsible for all his sufferings, which
at last, culminated to the point of no return where he had to avail
himself of the final option, the ultimate option of ending one's own
life, the real remedy to all suffering and misery. "I was not asked at
all while being sent to this lifeless life, and now I'll not ask anyone
while ending it." He thought, "Life is not worth living at any cost. It
hasn't given me anything all these years. I only felt compelled to be
more cruel and inhuman. I was taught how to keep my tears inside even
at the most moving and piteous sights of human suffering. My individual
desires were ruthlessly crushed and my hopes permanently shattered. I
felt as if I had spent years in a state of continuous flux, as if I was
walking on a tightly stretched rope above a deep, dark void." The
muscles of his face stiffened at the stream of hateful and disgusting
memories. A sad note of utter despair came over him.

Since boyhood, he realized that he was somewhat different from the
others. The usual impulses of other boys of his age were almost
completely absent in him. He was oversensitive to the point of being
self-destructive. He had been repeatedly sensitized by those who
dwelled around him as they frequently stirred his emotions by their
cruel and inhuman attitudes. He had to fight for all his petty rights,
yet he could never fully obtain them. Disappointment of the world
around him turned his attention to the world within. His youthful
energy was spent in developing his inner self and in absorbing the
basic knowledge contained in books. Books, no doubt, impart wisdom, but
a wisdom of their own kind, which makes a man more imaginative,
introverted and hesitant. He, too, was not able to escape the obvious
effects of books and so grew up to become a man alive in only his
dreams and imagination. When he completed his education, he had a zest
for life. The world was too small for him, and he resolved that sooner
or later he would conquer it or at least get his share of it.

Elders told him that time is the greatest teacher, and what it teaches
cannot otherwise be learned. So it was, that time demonstrated to him
how different reality was from his vision of life. Complete and
continuous unemployment along with a deep-rooted sense of deprivation
made him realize the importance of money. This realization shattered
his confidence, which was based entirely on his own abilities. When,
finally, he succeeded in getting a job, he soon came to understand that
it was like sitting beneath a glacier trying to quench one's thirst
with slowly oozing drops of water. He conceived that nothing is more
damaging to a man than poverty. All attempts to rid himself of this
menace were doomed to failure, and many of the other aspects of his
life were marred by it as well. He was passionately in love with
someone, but his economic condition was a major hurdle in obtaining
her. Economic independence ensures all other kinds of freedom, but it
also becomes the worst kind of predicament if such mundane economic
difficulties are supplemented by emotional turbulence.

So now, here he was on the roof of the highest building in the city and
stepping towards the edge. He stopped for a while on the brink of the
roof and looked down. A number of eyes raised toward him, as if some of
the people below suddenly smelled his intention. He stared back at them
with eyes full of hatred and contempt. He stretched his arms, like a
big bird, and moved forward. It seemed as though he were here just to
fly into the air instead of falling down to the earth. He imagined that
his raised hands and uplifted face reminded some in the crowd of a
great orator who, while addressing the public had reached some highly
inspired moment.

The curious and questioning eyes of the people and their bewildered
upturned faces urged him to speak. "I am leaving your world because I
am unable to live in it any more. I accept death as punishment for my
crimes. My greatest crimes, to name a few, are that I had an eternal
longing for love, an unbearable pity for the sufferings of mankind and
a staunch and unfaltering belief in the supremacy of human values. I
sought knowledge. I tried to understand the hearts of men and I wished
to know why the stars shine. I heard the echoing cries of pain and
anguish. I could never forget the sight of children in famine, victims
tortured by oppressors, helpless old people and the whole world of
loneliness, poverty and pain. I tried to alleviate the evil, but I
could not. I tried to make life worth living, but I failed. I refused
to tread on the beaten tracks, but I was badly beaten, and now I am
giving death to myself. Death may be the most feared thing for others,
but I am not afraid of it at all. Once there was a time when I loved
life. I was dying to live, but now I am only dying to die."

A violent knocking from somewhere interrupted his impulsive, emotional
outburst. He turned around and heard knocking at the door to the
stairs. Someone was there who wanted to rescue him. He was jarred out
of his frantic state of mind, and he now hurriedly reviewed the
situation. The door was about to break open, and those who had caused
him to reach this moment were trying to save him. The people
responsible for his suffering would never let him rest. They don't want
to let him go so easily, so they were trying to stop him. He had to
make a quick decision as time was short. He looked around, jerked his
head, spat on the floor, and once again stepped toward the edge to
jump. The sight of the large crowd with their faces upturned burned
into his eyes. He felt overwhelming anger and contempt for them. He
closed his eyes to avoid the hateful sight of the crowd. He saw through
his closed eyes what his open eyes could not see. It was the image of
his beloved, standing with tears in her eyes, over his dead body. The
image flashed in his mind, and suddenly he felt his once withered soul
blossom inside his body. With a sweeping sigh of relief, he opened his
eyes, turned around and stepped toward the door to let his saviors
out.