Warmth Under The Bedcovers

The alarm rang. The strident electronic beep pierced her dreams. She
opened her eyes, a hand raised from the warmth of the duvet, wiping the
sticky fluid from them; a piece of yellowed crust pushed onto her
cheek.

Fuck.

She turned her head, squinted. Blurred digital characters coming into
sloppy focus.

Must be wrong, can't be right. Head lifted from pillow, sleep
threatening to push it back down again; press itself into the soft
comfort of pastel coloured material, refit to the impression
left.

Squint again at the time. Late?

Fuck.

~

It wasn't as heavy as I thought it would be. I didn't have any
difficulty raising myself back onto my feet from the kneeling position.
They had already gone. Left me alone.

~

She sat on the edge of the bed. The alarm has been switched off, a
couple of missed jabs before her finger connected with the button; the
digit pushing it backwards along the grooved surface. Silence.
Electronic-less.

An intake of breath. Smoke pulled smoothly down her throat,
lung-filtering relaxation. She closed her eyes, a brief nap. A few
seconds of energy restored, convincing herself she wasn't late, didn't
have to leave her room. Was still the weekend.

Her daydream was broken by strident electronic beeps. Tuneful. A pop
song degenerated into a few soulless notes. Liked once, hated
now.

Fuck.

She scanned the room. The sound like a siren. Heard but not seen,
confusing which direction it's supposed to be coming from before,
suddenly, appearing screaming round a corner. Blue lights strobing the
surroundings, look of distaste on the driver's face, as you struggle to
avoid the hell bound white vehicle.

She reaches down, hand grabbing for a pair of white knickers. Crotch
stiff - can't remember his name - as she pulls them away from the sleek
black vibrating black slab. She throws the knickers across the room,
discarded like the night before. She peers at the slab. The green-grey
screen out of vision, black lines on it. She needs her contacts to
bring the details back into sharp relief.

Stop, she tries to command the phone, stop, fucking stop.

In the back of her mind she knows it's her friend. You're late. I know
I'm fucking late. Don't swear. Shut up. Where were you last night?
Another late night? What was his name? You'll lose your job. Shut
up.

Fucking shut up. Lose her job? This was her last day. Going away for a
few weeks. Going away to where she wouldn't have to think.

The phone stops.

She smiles. Exhales a plume of smoke.

It will ring again. She stands up and stretches, pushing her chest out,
willing her tits bigger. Not that she has any problems attracting them.
The knickers evidence of that. Not a classic beauty one of her ex's
told her. Attractive. Natural. No need for make-up. Looks good in
combats.

He liked a girl in combat trousers, short hair, no make-up. Slim.
Petite. Liked to fuck her from behind. She often wondered about that.
Liked his girls boyish. She smiled.

~

One of the men smelt of sweat. Stale sweat slowly masked by fresh
moisture. I could see the drops of liquid forming on the back of his
neck as he wrapped his arms round my waist, pulling me closer. He
talked to me. Hot breath against my ear as his lips moved. He told me
not to be nervous. He told me to be proud. He told me not to be
scared.

The other man paced the floor. He didn't speak. He made me feel
nervous. He kept his head low, staring at the worn dull carpet,
occasionally turning to look at the door. Perhaps he was looking for a
way out, an exit, making sure he could escape if the situation demanded
it. Covering all exits. Making sure I couldn't escape was another
possibility.

~

The phone rang again as she walked out of the bathroom. She left wet
footprints as she walked to retrieve it.

"Hello?"

"You are going to be late."

"I know."

"Then why aren't you here?"

"I'm just getting dressed."

"You're going to lose this job."

"Last day. Remember?"

"But you're going to want something when you get back."

"Maybe."

"Just get here."

"Make up some excuse for me."

"Like what?"

"Anything, just get me a few more minutes."

"I'll try."

"Thanks, see you in a little while."

She cut the call.

Fuck.

Why did people always have to worry about her? She didn't worry whether
she made it in time, so why should her friend? If she lost this job
there were other jobs. Plenty of jobs. She'd never had trouble in the
past getting work. Sometimes she didn't see the point of working. Why
couldn't she stay in bed all day? Because there was always someone
telling her she couldn't. They'd hassle you. You can't live like that.
It isn't right. Not normal. Be a member of society. Get up. Goto work.
Earn money. For what? To buy a house, get married, have children. To
live in society you needed to work. Society tried to channel you into
debt to keep you working. No way out. But what alternative was
there?

Fuck.

She lit another cigarette and walked over to the black chest of
drawers. With the cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth she
pulled the top drawer open and drew out a pair of knickers, followed by
some socks. She walked back to the bed, sat down and took the cigarette
from her mouth, leaving it resting on the edge of an ashtray on the
floor. She lifted her legs up and slipped the knickers on. No need to
hurry.

~

I locked the door behind me. It had clicked shut, the small noise
echoing through the empty concrete corridor I stood in. The number on
the door was loose. I should've phoned the landlord and asked him to
fix it. I've lived here for five years. One room and a bathroom. Just
the essentials, nothing fancy, nothing frivolous. Just what I needed to
live and survive.

I turned round and walked towards the stairs. I was on the fifth floor
and I knew exactly how long it would take me to reach the ground floor
and how many stairs that was. I would take them slowly, no need to rush
down them, no need to risk falling, tripping over my own feet, trying
to get this done in a hurry. There was no rush. No haste. Everything
would happen in its own time. The time needed would be provided. I
reached the top of the stairs.

My feet fell softly on the hard surface. Hardly a sound. Sometimes I
would hear laughter funnelled by the stair well upto my flat. As I sat
reading I would hear the lives of other people played out around me.
Floating voices interrupted my thoughts. I never saw the people who
made the sounds. Whenever I ventured out everywhere was quiet. No one
saw me and I saw no one.

~

Dressed.

Out the door.

Smoking her third or fourth cigarette of the day.

Awake for less than an hour.

Out the door and into the rush hour of another working day. People
moved around her, sensing she was there by instinct not sight. Animals
on a migratory path, searching for a watering hole in a drought. She
moved among them, cutting across the trail, heading for the
claustrophobic tunnels. She hated catching the tube. During the summer
it was too hot and in the winter it was too cold. During the day it was
too busy and at night too lonely. If she wasn't late she'd walk or, if
she had the money, catch a taxi. She liked to listen to the drivers
talk about their lives. Soak up the information. At least someone
seemed to have a better life than hers.

She reached the top of the steps. She heard a tube pulling out of the
station, a few passengers appearing at the bottom, starting their
journey upwards. She started to walk down.

A sudden influx of people appeared. A crowd surging forward. She was
the only one going against the flow. People knocked into her, pushed at
her. Rushing. White blood cells swarming the foreign intruder. She took
a deep breath, dropped her cigarette, smouldering, onto the concrete.
The red tip quickly crushed under a black polished flood.

The ticket slid from the machine. She slipped it out and turned towards
the turnstiles. A boy, late teens possibly early twenties, walked
towards her. His eyes glanced over her. She smiled. It always made her
day when someone noticed her. He walked past, she could feel his gaze
lingering. She turned her head. Smiled. He smiled back, briefly, a
quick flash, embarrassed, he continued on his way wishing he'd said
something, anything; always wondering what could've been if he'd
spoken.

She let the turnstile take her ticket, grabbing it as it stuck up on
the other side. A cool breeze blew from one of the tunnels. Another
missed train. She wandered through the white tiles, glancing at the
signs, looking for her exit / entrance.

~

I sat alone.

The carriage appeared to be quiet, a bubble surrounding me deadening
the sound. No one sat near me. Two empty seats. Opposite me a man was
reading, his head bowed, above him was a peeling advert for an
insurance company; eye catching colours faded and an outdated slogan.
The girl next to him was reading a magazine, the glossy pages open
against her crossed legs. She was nodding her head in time to music
playing though barely seen headphones slotted in her ears.

I turned my head. Looked at others in the carriage. Everyone was
wrapped up in their own lives; some stared ahead, seeing no one, others
appeared to be busy - keeping their minds occupied, not wanting to
think about their lives. I kept my own mind blank. No thought, just
action.

The girl next to the man in front of me yawned and looked up from her
magazine. Her eyes saw me. She thought about smiling.

~

The noise, heat and smell smothered her as she pushed open the back
door. A girl turned to face her, blouse half undone, long blonde hair
loose around her shoulders.

"You're late."

"I know."

The girl smiled, shook her head and unbuttoned the rest of the white
material. She shrugged it from her, letting it fall to the floor.

"You owe me, kept me back because of you," she said, "I had to kick up
a fuss to be let go."

"Well, I'm here now." She said, walking towards her locker.

"Yes?"

"Busy?"

"Extremely."

"Great?."

"Hot as anything out there."

She smiled and opened her locker. The uniform lay there in a crumpled
heap.

Fuck.

She picked it up and smoothed it out as best she could before hanging
it from the corner of the open door. The other girl picked a yellow
dress from the locker, stepped out of her scratchy blue trousers and
pulled the dress over her body. Cooler.

"Well, catch you later."

She nodded, watched her retreat through the door, out into the alley
beyond, walking between the large plastic like waste containers. The
door swung shut. The noise from outside diminished.

She shed her clothes and dressed in the uniform.

She wanted a cigarette as she walked towards the work area. Too late
now. She could see her boss up ahead, turning, slowly, an action
sequence in a blockbuster movie, noticing her approaching. He smiled,
the grin showing his teeth, and stood, hands on hips, waiting. She
slowed her walk, delaying. Maybe he wouldn't shout at her, it was her
last day. She knew she was late, didn't need him to remind her of that.
He thought he was important, but that only mattered within the confines
of this building. Outside he was no different to any other anonymous
person you passed on the street. Inside he was somebody within his own
head. Most of the staff didn't respect him, they just wanted to get on
with their job, didn't want someone interfering all the time. Specially
not him.

He glanced at his watch.

How childish. He'd start to wave his finger at her next. She almost
laughed.

~

I walk along the street. No one appears to notice me. I am no one. I am
nothing. I am not here. I haven't been here for the past few months.
Haven't ventured out much. Everything seems new and different, seeing
things for the first time. Details. Small details. Cracks in pavement,
water in the gutter dripping into the sewers, mobile phone
conversations, flowers on a yellow dress.

I feel alive.

~

She serves the customer. Placing the food and drinks onto the brown
plastic tray next to her till. They never look at her, eyes are always
scanning the menu above her. Looking for the offers, the free gifts,
the cheapest option for the most on their tray. She always smiled. She
always looked at them. Hardly ever took her eyes from them. Watching
their movements. Studying their faces. Trying to second guess them as
they attempted to make a decision. Children shouted. The flow of
customers had been endless. A constant stream pouring in from the
pavement. Endless. She watched each one.

~

I push the door open and the bubble surrounding me turns everything
into a silent movie. Mouths open and close. People gesticulate. No
effect. No emotion. I walk forward.

~

He is looking at her.

She looks back at him, disconcerted her practiced smile fades.

He smiles at her.

She narrows her eyes. Why isn't he trying to decide what he
wants?

~

I am going home.

~

Glass shatters. Silence replaced by screams fades into sirens.